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The Dictatorship of Lahtistania
Beware of Flying Similes
In English: Hello. This is a diary, or something like that. I use either English or Finnish depending on how I feel. I'm a pessimistic, sarcastic and cynical hermit with trust issues. There are no like-buttons or comment whoring, cookies, sponsors or subscribers. I won't try to sell you anything, either. English isn't my first language so I'll most certainly make mistakes: pointing out an error in my text doesn't make me flip my lid. My contact info can be found on the main page. You can placate me by sending me more funny homophones and other silly mistakes, I collect those.
About times and dates: I'm a Finn, so my time zone is GMT+3, we use the 24-hour system, so 1 PM is 13:00, and date is DD.MM.YYYY (02.01.2021 = January 2nd, 2021). Adjust your mindset accordingly.
Disclaimer: tämä on pessimistis-aggressiivisen naisihmisen verkkopäiväkirja, useimmiten nimeltään Lahtistanian diktaattorin kootut sadatukset. Sen lukemista ei voida
suositella edes pääosalle aikuisista ihmisistä. Sisältö ei sovellu lapsille. Sarkasmivaroitus! Täältä ei löydy evästeitä, mainoksia, tykkäyspyyntöjä tai kommenttihuorausta.
31.12.2021 (18:13) The last for 2021 (good riddance to bad rubbish)
You could've grinned proudly. Not sure getting ginned is anything to be proud of.
Removing injured players is normal if you're watching sports. Injured plays are only normal if you're watching one of the Goes Wrong-plays. Though they also remove injured players/actors.
A shining armour might be prettier to look at, but an armour that climbs trees is probably more practical. Or a menace, if you own that tree.
Either those people gained way too much weight, or someone has bought enough stuff to fill an entire suite.
Lappeenrannassa on tiukka budjetti.
Last entry for 2021: next comes the annual overhaul with yet another simple page for my blog. Gods, I've been doing this for ages. I recently found the blogs between 2003 and 2005 as I browsed through my ancient computers and archives, and I might bring them back online at some point. I had a Livejournal and a Diaryland blog before that back in 1999, but personal domain blog's been here since 2003.
About feeling old while we're at it:
Mikko will turn 60 in April; I'll be 42 in March. No parties though, we'll celebrate by pretending the world doesn't exist. This is a mutual message: please don't send us gifts. The world is full of merchandise and while we both have our collections, buying anything sensible for us is nigh impossible without access to our wish-lists. Mikko states that those who wish to remember him should send their money directly to an appropriate charity: he appreciates environmental and animal welfare causes, especially wildlife project funds for endangered species. My own instructions would also include causes for the homeless and an emphasis on projects to save and protect endangered bird species.
I could wish everyone a "happy New Year" but then everyone'd think it's Mikko impersonating me badly. I won't. I wish you all a miserable New Year, worse than the old one (as if 2021 hadn't been miserable enough, but don't worry, it'll only get worse from here, it's all downhill), and I hope you choke on the next thing you eat. With your entire family watching. And choking themselves so that you may all be buried in the same muddy ditch together and rot. There's no afterlife, but life with you all on this planet has been Hell anyway. Now am I good at cheering people up or what?
Mikko totesi ettei vuosi voi olla kyllin paska ilman vuoden paskinta vitsiä. Vuoden viimeinen paska vitsi on Mikon keksintöä ja kuuluu näin: mikä on napaketun vastakohta? Vastaus: arse-naali. Nauroitteko? En minäkään. Jos nauroitte, otan osaa.
29.12.2021 (00:56) The dairy special
If you're able to write on your milk, cream or yogurt, do not eat it under any circumstances.
Not sure if I can imagine anything less appealing than feline dairy.
I take that back. This is worse. Ick. Abort, abort!
Kun traktorissa ei voima riittänyt, otettiin käyttöön tehokkaampi kalusto. Pelottava kalusto.
We spent our Christmas with a relative who is mentally about as stable as a drunk three-legged camel in a boat on stormy seas. Dislike. No amount of food makes that experience more palatable.
26.12.2021 (18:07) Hummingbirds will fly over your fence; Hunningbirds will fly straight through it.
Does this have something to do with has-beens and have-beens? Because a small serving of beans doesn't sound too bad in comparison.
A nice bowl of steaming soup doesn't sound bad in this weather (-16°C right now... that's about 3,2°F for you people incapable of using the proper Celsius scale and other infidels), but someone's a really, really lousy cook.
This was my own typo. I was writing a list of figurines to purchase, but instead of hummingbird we have a winged equivalent of Huns. A flock of hummingbirds is just pretty, but a flock of hunningbirds will devastate your garden and leave your shed in smouldering ruins.
...And yes, I'm aware that I might have invented* a new verb: "hunning" is now what the Huns did as they sacked and pillaged. Can someone contact OED again?
While I rarely watch telly, one of my absolute favourites is a British group called Mischief Theatre. We managed to buy The Goes Wrong Show, Peter Pan Goes Wrong and Christmas Carol Goes Wrong on DVD, and we gave another copy of Peter Pan Goes Wrong to a friend. I wrapped it up with the same theme: a small piece of gaudy gift wrapping paper, wrinkled and worn on purpose. I scribbled the printed Santa with a pair of childish glasses and extra moustache with an ink pen, and slapped the piece of wrapping paper on top of the DVD-box with thick packing tape, also wrinkled on purpose. A light blue ribbon which looked dreadful with the mostly red wrapping paper, cut short, uncurled and tied with three big knots. I used an old piece of wallpaper as a substitute card, and the message on it was "Gift wrapping goes worng - gnowr - wronnng WRONG!". I intended to include a photo of the rest of the wrapping paper charred from the corners and with a pair of scissors pierced through the whole thing, then include a message "The insurance company doesn't know what to think. Husband will be released from the hospital next week. Merry Christmas," but we ran out of time, so I told her my camera broke in the packaging wreckage.
Anyway, the rest of the 2021 advent calendar:
Advent calendar door number 20:
Door number 20
Star Ornament, Crystal AB (again)
White background. Identical to Day 8. I now own three Star Ornament AB's, counting the GWP/PWP from 2017 and the two from this calendar.
Day 8 and Day 20 side by side.
Name in the packaging list
Duplicates. Meh.
Advent calendar door number 21:
Door number 21, and BTW, my favourite.
Candy Cane ornament!
White background.
Here's a comparison shot between 5223610 (2016-2018), 1054569 (2010-2013) and the Advent Calendar Candy Cane. 1054569 is the same size, just different colour and missing the star decoration.
Name in the packaging list
Personal opinion: this ornament looked green and clear in the promotional photos, so when I first encountered it, I vacillated between glee and disappointment: the thought of owning a green-and-white candy cane was oh-so-sweet. Nevertheless this is, I think, the most original item in the entire 2021 calendar, and something I'm terribly happy to own. If there had been a few more ornaments like these, I'd have been more than delighted.
Door number 22.
Star ornament shimmer, small
White background, with flash.
Comparison with AB-version (shimmer to the left and AB to the right). This photo taken without flash.
Comparison with flash.
Name in the packaging list
Personal opinion: I wasn't expecting to like this one so much, but I love this ornament. The shimmer and AB-coatings are so lovely. Keeping this one.
Door number 23.
Star Ornament, identical to day 11 (and the same as 2016 GWP/PWP, except for the ribbon). So now I've three of the same Star ornaments in this and AB.)
Day 23 and day 11 side-by-side.
Name in the packaging list
Personal opinion: Gnnnnnh.
Door number 24.
Gingerbread tree ornament
White background. The same as the one sold separately, except for the ribbon.
Here's a size comparison of all the Advent calendar Gingerbread ornaments
Name in the packaging list
Personal opinion: another one I didn't actually want. It's better than the three others, IMO, but not something I'd actually wanted to own.
Door number 25.
Annual Ornament 2021 Shimmer
White background
All versions of the regular size Annual ornament from the 2021 Advent calendar: Festive (GSHA), clear, shimmer, and Aurora Boreale. The calendar also came with a small version of each, so eight annual ornaments in total in the 2021 Advent calendar.
And finally, the packaging list.
Personal opinion: I'll probably keep this, at least for now.
Personal opinion on the whole advent calendar: I'll be keeping nine out of 25 ornaments. The 25 doors seemed weird when you're used to the usual European 24-day system. It's been more than three decades since I had an advent calendar of my own, so that was a bit of fun. As I might have mentioned earlier, the Swarovski Advent Calendar 2021 cost 650 € (the price included free shipping), and the resellers on eBay are pulling prices around 1200 € - 1400 € each not including shipping, which is utterly ridiculous. The original retail price isn't a huge amount for 25 Swarovski ornaments (as those who collect probably know), but the selection was bad for someone who already has a collection, not to mention the three duplicate basic star ornaments. The only truly original item was the candy cane ornament, and that one was a "borrowed" shape from 1054569. I probably wouldn't have bought this if Swarovaki had published the contents list beforehand, and while it was printed in the back of the box for those who could purchase the item from a Swarovski shop, ordering online was the only option for many - especially since they sold out in a couple of days. I probably shan't be buying next year's Advent Calendar unless they publish the contents list beforehand, and I'll need to sell the 16 ornaments I either a) already owned, or b) didn't want to own. The box itself was great quality, very sturdy and pretty, and will work well for those who wish to store their ornaments during the rest of the year. I just wish the items would have been more original and varying.
There's a Finnish saying of purchasing something blindly, "ostaa sika säkissä", which translates as "to buy a pig in a sack". This wasn't a perfectly healthy pig. It's possible I've been spoiled by the fact that I've never before been disappointed with the size and looks of a Swarovski figurine I've bought (the few eBay sellers who sent broken items notwithstanding, but that's another kind of peeve anyway). I liked some of the items and purchasing this calendar was the only way to own them, but in the long run I could’ve survived without them.
*Oh fine, I filched the verb, but people who like footie don't count. My definition of 'hunning' sounds better than theirs.
19.12.2021 (21:00)
Either a pair of very large breasts and a push-up bra, or she owns a cow.
There are times when you miss a simple pounding headache and even migraine seems preferable.
Advent calendar door number 19:
Door number 19
2021 Festive Ornament annual edition
White background.
Comparison shot with day 1, small version. As you can see, identical to the regular issue AE Festive ornament, except for the ribbon.
Name in the packaging list
Personal opinion: this wasn't on my wish-list, but many people are probably thrilled, because the item seems to be sold out in the online store. Although if I did collect the GSHA-versions, I'd probably prefer the red velvet ribbon? Maybe that's just me.
18.12.2021 (12:06) The bride and groom supply the onions, but you should bring your own knife and cutting board
Arginine is an amino acid. Arginine tango isn't passionate like the Argentine tango: it's just very acidic.
So this is why people cry at weddings.
Kun rahat kaupungin kassassa loppuivat, joutui Helsingin kaupunki turvautumaan vaihtoehtoisiin varainhankintamenetelmiin.
Advent calendar door number 16:
Door number 16
Star ornament small AB
White background.
Comparison shot with 5464868, single-issued Star ornament small AB. The ribbon is, once again, the only difference.
Name in the packaging list
Personal opinion: I adore this ornament, and if I hadn't already bought the other one over a year ago, I'd be as happy as a pig in a pile of muck. The AB-coating is gorgeous, and I love the design, but I won't be keeping this one either.
Advent calendar door number 17:
Door number 17
Star Ornament Crystal GSHA... again.
White background.
Comparison shot, days six and seventeen:
Name in the packaging list
Personal opinion: Personal opinion: duplicate, the exact same ornament from day six.
Advent calendar door number 18:
Door number 18
Little Star ornament / Annual ornament 2021 small.
White background.
Comparison shot with regular version.
Name in the packaging list
Personal opinion: Won't keep. I bought the regular one months ago. I'm getting very tired getting duplicates. It'd be easier if Swarovski had actually published the contents of the calendar beforehand, which they didn't, and I doubt I'll buy this product next year (unless they actually publish the contents list and the contents is something more than duplicates next year. That, or I simply won't buy the annual ornaments before purchasing the calendar)
15.12.2021 (01:29) Deranged reindeers
A gate can be a formidable weapon, if you're strong enough to wield one.
This 'yes' belongs to God. Allah gets the next one and the third one will go to Zeus.
Tullilaitoksella ollaan jännän äärellä kun pomo ilmoittaa ettei maasta poistuneita poliitikkoja saa laskea takaisin.
Advent calendar door number 15:
Door number 15
Reindeer gingerbread ornament.
White background.
Name in the packaging list
Personal opinion: gingerbread tastes good. Reindeer meat tastes excellent. But you do not want to eat anything that looks like this. The thing looks completely deranged, and anything that looks like this could be considered dangerous to both mental and physical health.
No, seriously. I very much dislike this ornament.
14.12.2021 (01:51) Fashion gets stranger every year
Some wear a brassiere, others prefer something more... hot.
Either the person decided to forgo the usual tie and wore, you know, die, as in dice, or this is a direct order to pass away somewhere between the suit and shiny footwear.
I have a new display cabinet for my crystal items. Went to Helsinki to pick it up from the auction house. We got it on the trailer. We got it from Helsinki to Oitti. We even managed to carry it indoors (though only gods know how, and we were both bruised, sore, exhausted and quite out of breath for a long while). But how the f*ck do we get it upstairs...?
Also mentally exhausted. There were people in there, and if there was an annual award for being unsocial, I.... actually, no, I wouldn't get one because I'd be too unsocial to actually pick it up.
Advent calendar door number 13:
Door number 13
(Annual) Little Star Ornament crystal AB.
Actually, the photo with flash is a bit clearer.
White background, no flash
Comparison shot with Shimmer larger version, still no flash. Using the flash makes it look just blue.
Name in the packaging list
Personal opinion: Actually, I'll probably keep the smaller one and sell the larger one. Smaller is cuter. In these pics you can see why I like the AB-coating.
Advent calendar door number 14:
Door number 14
Star Ornament Shimmer - again. See day 2.
Comparison with day two, but this time without the flash. See the shades?
Second with no flash, just a bit different camera angle.
Name in the packaging list
Personal opinion: I'll only keep one. I do like how the shimmer-coating shows so many different shades of pinks and purples, but two of the same in the same calendar? I don't like this ornament enough to keep two exact same ones.
12.12.2021 (20:32) Light fixtures are generally inedible
There was the time I was so hungry the light fixtures started looking edible.
Do not bake your scones using metal alloys.
(Finns: sconce = lampetti/seinävalaisin, scone = skonssi)
I was thinking of buying a two-piece swimsuit but then went a bit overboard, you know, in the name of peace and all that.
If you're a young woman about to get married and want to get really ostentatious, forget the veil. Wear a whole vale on your head.
Supikoiran henki säästyi, mutta nyt on Teräsmiehellä paha mieli.
I should update this blog daily with the advent calendar, but writing html and then uploading it through ftp is more of a hassle than just updating a topic on Facebook. At least I use Notepad++ these days: not too long ago I wrote everything with basic notepad. At least this program kicks me if there's something wrong with my code.
And I'm working on a project of "butterflies in an old aquarium":
Mikko will be celebrating his 60th birthday in April. And by celebrating I mean he will not be celebrating, because there will be no party (his choice, not mine, though I can't say I disapprove). I intend to buy him 60 presents, however, and he'll have to open every one. He'll need ight hours for sleep, which means he'll have 16 hours to unwrap presents: I'll give him a new one every twenty minutes through the day, that's accurate enough for me.
Suomalaiset: joulu tulee, mutta varoituksen sana: jos minulle sanoo "tip tap" tai jotain muuta kyseisestä penskojen renkutuksesta, saa turpaan.
Advent calendar door number 11:
Door number 11
Star Ornament
White background.
Comparison shot with 2016 GWP Star ornament
Name in the packaging list
Personal opinion: Won't keep. It's an obvious duplicate. This one is for sale.
Advent calendar door number 12:
Door number 12
Annual Ornament 2021
White background.
Comparison with Annual Ornament 2021 single issue. The ribbon is the only difference.
Name in the packaging list
Personal opinion: I'd have been thrilled if I hadn't bought the annual ornament in April. I actually prefer the velvet ribbon of the regular issue, the earlier annual ornaments have all come with satin ribbons. I won't be keeping the advent calendar version.
10.12.2021 (01:19) People who like waking up early are defective
If this guy grips you, you can just pop him in the post. Considering the int'l postal services, he'll be lost forever.
More efficient than just shutting your mouth.
Tehosta lisääntymistäsi ja eliminoi ikävä vauvavaihe: synnytä taaperoikäisiä lapsia.
Waking up early is killing me. I'm incapable of sleeping at night, and if and when I try, I have nightmares and keep waking up. If I want to sleep well, I'll go to bed in the early hours, around the time when Mikko wakes up. This society was built for those masochistic 'early birds', but I'm the lazy worm who likes her bed. Mikko, who is accustomed to waking up early, wants to have breakfast with me. Thus he wakes me up after I've only had a few hours of sleep, six at best and one at worst. At some point I'll have to invent a large variety of new words to describe the feeling of these mornings, because no language contains a sufficient amount of foul words to adequately relay those emotions. Especially when Mikko is feeling especially perky and chipper and feels the need to tell me jokes or quote interesting facts. If there's ever a headline in the newspapers about an unfortunate husband whose wife inserted a spoon in his nostril and a cup up his rectum, that'll be him. In the early morning I'm sour enough to curdle milk at the range of two kilometers. That early in the morning I'm sour enough to curdle milk at the range of two kilometers to every direction.
The sarcastic growl "Oh joy" mumbled from beneath my pile of blankets and pillows is something Mikko is quite used to, thank gods. I might have to purchase a long straw so I can just suck in my tea without lifting my head from the pillow.
Advent calendar door number 9:
Door number 9
Gingerbread Snowwoman ornament
White background.
Side by side with Snowman.
Name in the packaging list
Personal opinion: won't be keeping this. Dislike.
Advent calendar door number 10:
Door number 10
Star Ornament Crystal GSHA small
White background.
Comparison shot: Top left is (advent calendar version) of clear star ornament small, top right is Star ornament crystal AB small, and bottom middle is GSHA.
Name in the packaging list
Personal opinion: tempted to keep this, but it would be the fourth in the same design in the same design - I also have a large version. I'll need to mull it over.
08.12.2021 (13:28) Greetings to the United Kingdom of Errors
So that's why there are fewer tourists in Wales these days.
And now all the Scots have buggered off.
All my maps seem to be wrong.
I've been holding on to these for ages, hoping I'd find some nice mistake about Ireland, but I give up. Does this mean nobody dares to make mistakes whereas Ireland is concerned? Nobody wants to be on the receiving end of their... ire/Eire? (Yeah, that was really weak, I know)
Advent calendar door number 8:
Door number 8
Star Ornament Crystal AB
White background.
Comparison with the 2017 GWP/PWP Star Ornament Crystal AB. Exactly the same except for the ribbon.
Name in the packaging list
Personal opinion: won't be keeping this, a different kind of ribbon doesn't make it a different ornament.
07.12.2021 (02:49) Playing by the (f)ear
But on the bright side, the chances of ever finding that messy and nasty ring again are slim.
Just what you need: some twerp decides to become a permanent part of your anatomy. (I believe they meant to say "fear", judging by the original context, but several ears of varying sizes sounds rather frightful.)
Independence day is over. We never really bother celebrating it anyway. Apparently there was a "torch procession" from the local gas station to the town hall, but we didn't bother going when I realised they weren't picking up gas with the intention of torching the ghastly old building. How disappointing.
Advent calendar door number 6:
Door number 6
Star ornament crystal GSHA
White background.
Comparison shot, all Star Ornament Crystals: top left Shimmer, top right GSHA calendar edition, bottom left AB calendar edition, and bottom right clear (bottom row ornaments were GWP/PWP).
Name in the packaging list
Personal opinion: Keeping this. I like the design, and it's different enough, though if they come up with yet another colour or coating I may reconsider.
Advent calendar door number 7:
Door number 7
Annual ornament 2021 small/Little star ornament Shimmer
White background.
Comparison with the 2021 Annual ornament small regular version.
Name in the packaging list
Personal opinion: Torn. It's small and cute. It's purple. I like purple. But my collection already has the two clear versions and the AB-coated version, and while I decided to sell the GSHA-version, I'm torn with this.
05.12.2021 (01:28) Do not take a leak in a lab
The real trial was taking your clothes off.
Clue: the level of hygiene in a laboratory should exceed the level of hygiene in a lavatory.
(No, wait. Did someone go and invent gender-segregated labs?)
Sorry, Saturday is usually a really busy day for us, working from morning till late at night. I'll be short tonight, and no, I'm not just referring to my impressive* height of 160 cm.
Advent calendar door number 4:
Door number 4
Star ornament
White background.
Comparison with the 2018 Star ornament. The only difference is in the ribbon.
Name in the packaging list
Personal opinion: I won't be keeping this. I don't think a different ribbon is enough to make it a different figurine.
Advent calendar door number 5:
Door number 5
Annual ornament 2021 AB
White background.
Comparison with the 2021 Annual ornament, regular version.
Name in the packaging list
Personal opinion: Will be keeping this. I'm such a sucker for the AB-coating, so while I usually don't want to collect a billion variations of each figurine, I can't resist this one, it's lovely.
*If you're not impressed, just pretend that you are. It's safer that way. Being slightly vertically challenged can also make a person particularly vicious.
03.12.2021 (23:43) A cynical and sarcastic bastard should never plan a wedding
A close relative to sweet pea (Lathyrus odoratus), but the flower smells like the armpits of a construction worker.
Someone appreciates death.
When I married Mikko back in... oh gods, it was August 2000 and it feels like a century ago... I simply wanted to elope. We held a very tiny wedding reception at home to appease our mothers, or actually, mostly just mine (she took over, flooded the guest list her friends, chose the foods and so on because I most certainly wasn't interested in having a reception) but if I'd been ten years older and more sure of myself, I'd have told her to buzz off. Now that I'm over 40 and even more cynical than I was at 30, I'd probably hold a grand celebration, force the bridesmaids and groomsmen into terribly gaudy attires that make them look like bees and brussel sprouts rolling towards the altar in a procession, buy a wedding dress that looks like an overcooked cauliflower, and then elope, leaving behind the dress and letting the guests to fend for themselves.
Advent calendar door number 3:
Door number 3...
Ginderbread Snowman couple, the male snowman
White background.
Name in the packaging list
Personal opinion: not for me. It's well-made, the golden nose is really cute and I like the colours, but it's too cartoonish and cutesy (is that a word? Right here and now it is), but it's not my style. Will sell. I don't like the gingerbread snow-woman, either.
02.12.2021 (21:05) Tangles and split ends feel like a minor inconvenience when your hair riots and the first car gets overturned
Just when you think you've gone through the worst bad hair day ever and your hair merely resembled a mop, and then you're just hoping that there are no torches or cobblestones involved.*
The church has launched an official protest against the equine.
Joidenkin vanhempien lisääntymisvietti on ehdottomasti liioiteltu.
Before I forget:
EEEEEEE! <3
At least once a year someone asks me exactly how Mikko always knows how to buy the best gifts, or why I never have trouble shopping for him. I’ve mentioned the wish-lists before: they contain hundreds of items, so we never know what the other one will buy (unless we agree to buy something specific beforehand, or find out by accident). Some relatives of mine liked to play the kind of mind games where you were expected to buy something meaningful and important, but you had to pick up subtle clues or make a guess, and I decided early on I wouldn’t want to go that way. It makes for a remarkably stress-free life, and we never buy the other something unwanted or disliked.
With my family we have an agreement to never buy presents: my brother suggested it years ago, and it works well. With other people I go by my great big obsession: fruit baskets. I used to hate gift shopping, and then hated discovering that I’d inevitably bought someone a book they already owned, a bathrobe in the wrong size, or chocolates for a lactose-intolerant. A few years ago I fell in love with fruit baskets and now I’m forever trying to find a reason to make and give someone a fruit basket. In the shops I sometimes drift to where the baskets are and go, “ooooo look, baskets!” and then inevitably end up in the fruit&veg department choosing oranges, pomegranates and pears. You have to assemble your own fruit basket by hand: buying one pre-packaged is cheating. Fresh fruit, too, not one of those baskets where you pack in pasta, a can of spam and dried figs and whatnot. Fruit. Apples, pears, bananas, apricots, plums... You choose, assemble and then wrap it by hand. And receiving a fruit basket? Of course I could go and buy fruit myself, but there’s just something so delightful in receiving a proper fruit basket.
So, yes, I’m obsessed with more than Swarovski figurines or books. I frequently obsess over fruit baskets.
Advent calendar door number 2:
Door number 2...
Star ornament shimmer!
White background.
Comparison shot with earlier Star Ornaments from my collection: Shimmer in the middle, clear to the left and AB to the right.
Name in the packaging list
Personal opinion: purple is actually my favourite colour. I'll be keeping this one: it's an attractive combination of simple and complex.
*An American friend once told me that I'm a riot, but I want to publicly declare that I did not light her on fire, nor did I employ a pitchfork, overturn her car or throw any cobblestones.
01.12.2021 (19:57) December, so.... humming bugs and weaponized toes?
...would've preferred a surprise, really...
Bugs are bad enough*. But humming ones in December? Yech.
We tried to kiss while he held his foot in the air above us, but then his toe launched off by accident and now the neighbour's house is in ruins.
Swarovski Advent calendar in links:
Main packaging box
Secondary box layer
Ribbon
Slipcase and the calendar itself
Packaging list in the back of the slipcase
booklet slipcase
booklets (and the slipcase)
The 2021 Swarovski calendar, ready to open!
Door number 1:
Door number 1...
Festive ornament 2021 small!
The crystal is "golden shade" and the shape is the same as in the 2021 Annual Ornament
The ribbon is white and sheer, compared to the regular issue, which comes with a red velvet ribbon.
Name in the packaging list
Personal opinion: I would not have bought the Festive Ornament 2021 in either large or small size, and it's likely I'll sell this one to a collector who wants to collect everything. I used to collect all the variants, but Swarovski started releasing too many versions of the same design: this year we're 'blessed' with nine (!!) different size and colour versions of the same ornament design. I like the shape, but not that much!
The price of electricity is going up, but then what's new? The only things that go down in this world are my temporarily good mood and the IQ of the general populace.
*I'm terribly afraid of all kinds of bugs, beetles, spiders, insects, maggots etc. All kinds of creepy crawling little things, really(1). I don't function logically when I encounter one, I'm afraid, and might get a mite(2) hysterical: only yesterday I had to get Mikko to kill a daddy long-legs spider from the bathroom sink, and once he was done, I practically climbed on top of him. The effects range from mild rage to being overly affectionate and pushy, so keeping a distance from bugs is a good thing for everyone involved.
1) Babies might count. Good thing I never wanted to be a mother.
2) Oh ha ha.
29.11.2021 (16:31) Are fiends more loyal than friends?
I'm pretty sure that's not what fiends are for.
Is that better than being a frigid bitch?
Even his wrath was enraged.
Pysäköi tänne poliisisi. Vain 15 euroa tunti. Univormuhuolto ei kuulu hintaan.
Mikko has a colleague who is, apparently, always happy and jolly despite being overworked and exhausted (no, I don't know their name or gender, mainly because a) I'm not terribly interested, and b) Finnish personal pronouns are gender-neutral). I told him the poor daft pillock might tolerate silly interns and stupid bosses and idiotic colleagues with an infectious grin, but fifteen minutes with me would most likely make the poor sod depressed enough to require medication (for Finns, a strong alcoholic beverage called "Koskenkorva" is a popular substitute).
The Swarovski 2021 Advent Calendar sold out in a few days and resellers have priced them at over 1200€ each (and that doesn't include shipping costs or import taxes). The original price was 650 € and included free shipping, so there are plenty of people who never got to buy one. I decided I'll be blogging the opening process and giving all the details about the ornaments, including previous releases, measurements, quality etc, and plenty of photos so that more people have a chance to enjoy it in some way. I'll also be posting here, but the biggest amount of photos and a comment thread are in a Facebook group called "Swarovski Crystal sell swap buy".
It's been depressingly cold and that always tends to make me grouchy (not that most people could tell, what with the usual background levels of irascibility I usually have), so I've gone back to listening to some of the music I used to play during my teenage years. Oh you know, the way every angsty teenager repeatedly listens to Carl Orff or Rimsky-Korsakov in their room while drinking absurd amounts of tea and reading SciFi. Currently repeating 'The Story of the Kalandar Prince' from 'Scheherezade' (ext. link Youtube, a very good sample for those who don't happen to have the CD readily available like I do) with the similar obsession that most would give to some popular (and bloody annoying) metal band. Then again... never, ever was my angst so bad I had to listen to Wagner. I’ll take some pride in that.
23.11.2021 (21:28) Are closet followers people who are in the closet about following something, or do they follow exceptionally mobile and portable closets?
We definitely don't need to see anyone who'd publicly fess up to following me.
Time can be measured with grains, but most hourglasses are filled with sand.
Now all we need to do is find someone who says "You'll rye the day you were born" and we'll have the set.
...I don't think I need to say anything, really...
Considering I got the Swarovski 2021 Advent Calendar, it was only fair that Mikko would get something too, so I made him one. It'll contain old humor magazines from 1918 to 1970's, a large range of chocolates, biscuits, marmalades, sodas, comics, some socks, some DVD's... Knowing all his favourites was useful. Some boxes will only contain a couple of chocolate bars, others will have whole boxes of sweets, so it's a wide range. I'm almost done with it anyway, once a package from Italy arrives.
A lot of Swarovski in the mail during the last couple of days. Garden Tales-flowers!
Paskat myynnit jatkuvat (for those who don't speak Finnish, the next ones are screencaps of sales-posts where I tell my honest and rather colourful opinion about the dreadful merchandise my late mother-in-law left behind):
Ikimuistoisen rumat verhot, kuvakaappaus 1,
Ikimuistoisen rumat verhot, kuvakaappaus 2,
Ikimuistoisen rumat verhot, kuvakaappaus 3.
Ameebataulu, kuvakaappaus 1,
Ameebataulu, kuvakaappaus 2,
Ameebataulu, kuvakaappaus 3.
Pilattua kirjallisuutta, kuvakaappaus 1,
Pilattua kirjallisuutta, kuvakaappaus 2,
Pilattua kirjallisuutta, kuvakaappaus 3.
19.11.2021 (17:01)
"This crystal figurine is furry and carnivorous."
So, you have a habit of licking your paint mixing board? Most people use turpentine as paint thinner, but hey, it's your art.
Teeseoksen luontainen armollisuus.
Still working with the project called "make chocolate mousse", but I also moved to testing other things: made a nice strawberry mousse (worked really well, I put some of my homemade strawberry jam through a blender so there were no lumps), and nougat mousse was divine (I melted some Marabou's Dubbel Nougat* in cream), though next time I think I'll add three bars of Dubbel Nougat instead of two.
Since a couple of people have messaged me to ask about the argument I trounced Mikko in a week ago or so, I'll answer publicly as well: it was about history, so it's no wonder I won. My chances of winning him in an argument concerning physics (his university major) are worse than a snowball's chances in hell, and the same goes with maths and chemistry, but in history I have an advantage. He's terribly talented though.
I might've mentioned I dislike most social interaction. Not just because I've a social phobia, or because all face-to-face-interaction is tiring, or because I've little patience for slow people: the whole 'being social'-thing is listen-and-speak, give-and-take, while most people feel so damn boring and I'd prefer not to listen, my "speak"-part is limited to the good advice called "ferme ta gueule", I'd 'take' silence over speech any day, and prefer to 'give' a swift kick below the belt. I do have Skype but I haven't actually opened the program in over a decade, and the only way I'd join something like Twitter would be if there'd be a sarcastic and cynical version for people who don't want to read all those small messages, and the entire thing is based on never posting a word: pictures are also completely banned, and there's just a blank page everyone can stare at. I've a good name for it: let's call it 'Bitter'.
Keskustellessa viikonlopun työaikataulusta päästin vahingossa sisäisen korsoraattorin(2) päälle: käytännössä siis lauseen joka kolmas tai neljäs sana on joko 'vittu' tai 'saatana'. Mikko totesi että manailu on suomalaisten periluonteessa ja ihmetteli mikähän siinäkin on: totesin että "mieti ensin millaisessa maassa me stn asutaan, kato nyt v-u ikkunasta pihalle ja kysy sitten itseltäs miks v-ussa kiroiluttaa".
*Yes, it's spelled that way. Blame the Swedes. Tastes divine though.
2 Useimmat naiset tietävät sen, että kun on ystäväporukassa tunnettu tietyn aikaa ja lähemmällä tasolla, aletaan avautua ja hakea säälipisteitä kauheilla sukulaisilla: paljastetaan ystäville ne alkoholistienot, skitsofreenikkosisarukset ja serkut joilla on jo kuusi äpärää. Voitan itse aina tämän säälipistekampanjan antamalla muiden avautua ja tunnustamalla sitten surkeasti, että mun faijani oli syntyperäinen korsolainen.
15.11.2021 (00:22) This way to the eye
I did intend to ask them to look my way, but here I am, leading them to wherever the eye is.
Anyone would have jumped back if the water had been scalding, but if the shower itself scolds you, running away is probably a very good idea.
I was managing fine, but an unexpected case of mange really threw me for a loop.
We only meant to sneak a peek, so I've no idea why we're smuggling away this tip of a mountain.
One misconception: I don't actually laugh at people who make these mistakes. Anyone can - and usually will - make mistakes, so no, I don’t think they’re idiots or poor writers. Some of those mistakes come from the texts of talented writers, professionals or semi-professionals, and while non-natives and amateurs tend to make more mistakes than the pros do, some of the most hilarious mistakes I’ve caught come from a well thought-out and well written text, and have managed to evade rigorous proof-reading.
I usually don’t even give a second thought to the writer. It’s the language itself that entertains me: how a tiny mistake can turn an entire sentence into something completely different* and hilarious. Language has always left me in awe, and I never stop marvelling at its complexities.
Having trouble sleeping lately. One of my ears is buzzing, so I need to sleep with music on in small earbuds, but they're hard and can feel quite nasty and sharp pressed against the pillow (I sleep on my side). Every night there's also the "Quest of the Nicely Cool Spot on the Pillow'', which makes me turn, twist, shove and knead my pillow until I find the Nicely Cool Spot as well as a position that doesn't hurt my neck and doesn't press the earbud sharply. Often, when the earbud and the neck finally feel good, the pillow has become unpleasantly warm, and thus the kneading of the pillow continues.
Anopin jäämistöstä löytyi melko kuuluisa kirja nimeltä 'Kuin surmaisi satakielen'. Valitettavasti en ole varma löytyykö sen vähemmän tunnettuja jatko-osia. Ne ovat nimeltään "Kuin teloittaisi telkän", "Kuin nistisi naakan", "Kuin listisi lehtokurpan" sekä "Kuin murhaisi mustakurkku-uikun".
*I promise I won’t try to pull a John Cleese here.
9.11.2021 (21:56) Mixing a mouse, mousse and a moose is a very bad (/mad) idea
No, that was a false alarm. There was no security breach, they just found an arse working for the department of security. He was pants at his job, too.
"And next you whisk together the mixture of eggs, butter, sugar and chocolate. Make sure to cover the mouse with the mixture thoroughly..."*
I was getting bored with this and casting bored looks until I saw that board.
In the Finnish national epic the central character called 'Väinämöinen' sings his rival, 'Joukahainen' into a mire. We can't sing, but we take great pleasure in debating each other into a swamp. I declared myself the winner (the study he spoke of was based on flimsy evidence at best, with lacking statistical evidence and a wholly arbitrary premise to begin with). After I'd utterly trounced him (HA! I won! That doesn't happen as often as I'd like, but he's older and more experienced than I am) I only lamented that I don't have a swamp for him. He corrected me: yes, we actually do have a small wetland down the hill, and I crowed in delight: tomorrow morning my husband is in for a very strange, wet and muddy awakening.
*Got enough of my 'use various chocolates instead of cocoa powder'-experiments. Currently experimenting with chocolate mousse. Not chocolate mouse, mind you. Nor chocolate moose. Also cooked some moose for dinner. Used thyme, rosemary and garlic(2) in the moose and chocolate in the mousse. The moose and the mousse were very tasty. Mice were not involved, nor were any harmed in the process. Please remember that a mouse lives under your floor and hides behind your furniture, while mousse generally does not. Chocolate moose does not taste good. Trapping a moose with a small metal trap also rarely(3) works.
2 No parsley and no sage either. I'm not that much into stereotypes and not (quite) that passionate about allusions.
3 Um, never say never?
7.11.2021 (16:50) Sadistic things to do with ice cream
And when you've really had enough, your arms will feel a month, your shoulders a year and your head a full bleedin' century.
That man is clearly lacking something. Who cares about the colour of his suit!
...but I had no choice. After I finished rubbing him with raspberry ice cream his bits were shrivelled to the size of a peanut, and adding three scoops of chocolate didn't help things at all.
Juuri saamamme tiedon mukaan sekä hautausmaiden että polttohautausten suosio on laskenut, mutta kryptahautauksille on kova kysyntä etenkin nuorten parissa.
Occasionally someone mentions the term “gaydar” (though I’ve seen it used less recently). I’ve never actually understood why I should actually care if a consenting adult wants to bed another consenting adult, but the other problem (in addition to “don’t care who you bone”) is that when I’m meeting other people I can hardly hear anything else because my internal Assholeometer is always ringing so loudly.
5.11.2021 (21:30) Mike had no Sistine chapel to paint, but the road surface markings he did were very nice
Michelangelo di Lodovico Buonarroti Simoni moved to America, rented a cheap flat in Bronx, changed his name and was henceforth known as "Mike".
Just when you think that someone grates on your nerves, that's when the gyrations begin.
Syntyihän se vauva, mutta kun ne työnsivät sen aina takaisin.
An owl has decided it needs to screech outside my bedroom almost every night. The first time it screeched next to the bedroom window it made me almost jump off my bed. If I didn't know better I'd be thinking it's being deliberately sadistic. They're taking over territories, so it seems like this one will be sharing ours for now. I heard several owls in the distance, so I think there's some competition. There was also a deer in our garden in broad daylight today, as bold as brass, a very young buck.
About the warning "Beware of Flying Similes": what the heck did you expect, Dorothy? Flying simians?
2.11.2021 (22:16) Early or not, the bird-brained bodybuilder gets the seed
When a person tells you they can see text in their milk or cream, it's time to bring out a straightjacket.
A nicely built guy, but throw some millet seed on the ground and he'll think he's a chicken.(1)
Yhteiskuntamme vanhimpien etuja.
I found an odd remark in a text. "--bloody bleeding heart--", it said. I did wonder what the hell did they expect to come out of a heart if not blood, but then I remembered that mine bleeds battery acid and vinegar.
Packed some tea samples last night. I usually write the name of the tea on top with a list of spices and additives below. The first one was simple, just a simple name and three additional ingredients. The second one was called "Wild cherry" and contained - surprise surprise - just tea and bits of cherry, so I wrote, "might contain some cherry". The third was a tropical fruit mix and had a long list of fruits and berries and herbs, which I diligently wrote down and then added "might contain some tea".
Mikko received the annual rent for the hunting lodge on his lands: a ten litre bucket of moose/elk meat, so those who wish to come for a free(2) meal, welcome. It's all frozen now and I'm sure it shan't run out any time soon. I also have one more serving of partridge. Enough for four people, I'd say, so if you want partridge, you'd best hurry.
1 I usually prefer to let people do their own legwork (maybe they'll learn something if they find things out for themselves?) but most Finns probably won't have this in their vocabulary: 'pecs' means pectoral muscles, 'pecks' means the act of pecking: for example what a bird with its beak. And 'abs' means abdominal muscles, in case you didn't get that one.
2 If you want to 'pay' for your meal, you can play a game against Mikko. Chess, a board game, a card game, he doesn't care. As long as I don't have to get involved, because if you make me play, I just might poison your meal.
29.10.2021 (21:19) A proper Englishwoman practically bathes in tea
Every day around four Mrs Carlton fills her bathtub with tea and takes a nice long soak.
Very boring notes.
While many people like to fill their gardens with trimmed lawn, roses and tulips, my mum carefully removes all plants and brings in six wheelbarrows full of sand every day. The sand might be frozen solid for several months and soaking wet for the rest of the year and the snakes and scorpions usually die almost immediately, but it's a desert nonetheless.
I've developed a new way of measuring the level of absolute shite that surrounds us all. It's called a Shitometer. At level zero it's just the usual dumb everyday crap and level ten is the absolute fuckening. It is 100% accurate, has no moving parts, and the dial points always to level ten.
A public copy of an answer to a friend who commented on my spoken English: I rarely actually speak English out loud. While I write and read in English quite a bit, it's a whole different process than actually vocalizing something in a language that isn't your first and/or primary. Add to that the fact that I'm more comfortable in writing than speaking in any language - including Finnish - and you probably see the problem. Actually, the only person I prefer talking with is Mikko, but he's special in every way*.
*And I truly mean every way. He also tolerates my stranger tendencies, like the night-active behaviour. He's in for it now, I'm afraid: he's working overtime this weekend and we won't be able to talk much, and that, combined with my usual tendency to get clingy and tactile during the night, will probably have me crawling under his blankets and tickling him at 3am (these days he barely wakes up unless I attack his feet).
28.10.2021 (21:50) Do not sharpen your nipples unless you buy stainless steel bras
Bloodcurdling screams are bad enough, but screams that make your blood curl in your veins are a serious matter...
...yes, both the curled and curdled blood are bad in your veins.
Bonus:
A special weapon for hardcore women: sharpened nipples. Serrated edges cost extra. You'll lose several articles of clothing but think of the effect when someone tries to lick'em!
Sulkusika on sikarotu jota kasvatetaan kanavasulkujen lähettyvillä. Sulkusika ei myöskään etsi porsaanreikiä.
I know I'm a misanthrope, but I don't actually actively wish people ill*, nor do I take great pleasure in watching others get hurt or humiliated. I actually prefer to imagine that other people don't exist, avoid them as much as possible, and wish that all the Finns would move to Sweden or Estonia. On second thought... Sweden, Russia and Estonia are all too close. You reckon they'd all agree to agree to pack up and move to America or Australia? Anyway, since actively hating people and wishing them ill takes way too much attention, I much more prefer to imagine that people are simply waiting for a lorry to cart them to the other side of the planet, where they will be immediately be set upon by the exotic and dangerous local fauna and be buried in the soil of another country.
Testing with hot chocolate continues. I also call it the project “Screw Cocoa Powder”
*Dark chocolate + milk + a dash of vanilla = needs additional sugar. The chocolate used had a 70% cocoa percentage ((Mikko made the call for extra sugar, I didn't test this one myself)
*White chocolate + milk + vanilla = no additional sugar required. The 1st batch noted that the chocolate didn't melt as nicely as other chocolates, will need to grind or dice into smaller cubes before adding in milk, or takes ages to melt properly. The 2nd batch used way too much chocolate, a bit like drinking extremely runny white chocolate. Or perhaps another brand of chocolate? Baking grade?
*Nougat chocolates in milk = very nice, except that the chocolates contained tiny bits of ground hazelnut, which was odd when mixed in cocoa.
*Chocolates with mild coffee flavour in milk = Blech. Mikko liked it, though.
* Fine, I don't wish most people ill. There are some who should either "return to wild"(2), "become one with the nature"(3), or "let nature take its course"(4).
(2) Be mauled by a bear and then buried under several meters of nature, give or take a few.
(3) Rot and/or compost.
(4) "I hope you die of natural causes, you bastard, preferably by coughing out your kidneys."
25.10.2021 (15:58) Two heads or just people being two-faced little gobshites as usual?
This isn't just a case of someone forging money, oh no: whoever forged that money must've also stolen the paper, the inks and other supplies one needs to make the bills, and since time = money, they were obviously using slave labour and letting the workers die of starvation and thirst. No costs, remember!
The curious case of parapagus dicephalus?
Klassikko. Se viikonpäivä jona ruokakaupassa on muuten tyhjää, mutta keksihyllyjen väliin pääsee vain jonottamalla. Suklaakekseihin pääset käsiksi vain jos kiipeät hyllyjen yli ja pudottaudut väkijoukon keskelle. Valmistaudu kaksintaisteluun Fazerin kaurakekseistä: vastapuolenasi on kävelytukea aseenaan käyttävä mummo.
Swarovski figurine collection part 3 (ext. link Youtube).
The older ones:
Swarovski figurine collection part 1 (ext. link Youtube),
Swarovski figurine collection part 2 (ext. link Youtube).
You might as well watch with sound off, you won't miss anything much. I do have around 40 to 50 figurines more, so at least one more video will be coming in late December or early January (depending on my schedule, I'm swamped with work), and then perhaps one every six months or so to show the new ones? I do have the 2021 Advent Calendar, and I was thinking of posting photos of the opened items daily (though I know it'll contain also items I shan't be keeping because a) already have them, or b) they're arse-ugly (I know the calendar will contain the gingerbread reindeer head-ornament which I think is so ugly it needs to be killed with fire. Quite frankly it looks like something bred by a mad scientist at ground zero of Fukushima, then killed by electrocution and given to a very drunk amateur taxidermist who was, coincidentally, as high as a kite when he did the work*).
This week will start off with the water being cut off for seven hours between 10PM and 5AM. Coincidentally my most active and productive hours and the time I usually enjoy long showers or a hot bath, just so you know. Oh joy.
*You can probably tell I'm not being paid to endorse their products.
23.10.2021 (17:50) Katte the linguistic Neanderthal
Tried to fly and soar but ow, ow, oh fuck ow... (apparently 'soring' actually means means mutilating the feet of equines. The things one can learn...)
Get those mangy dogs and their disgusting owners off my face!
(I've heard that some, especially Finns, might have trouble interpreting the original word from behind the misspelled word. Feel free to ask, I'm not able to kick you through email, and some words can be trickier than others. But if you don't know what words such as "cur" or "pollster" mean, I expect you to Google them instead of asking me. Don't be lazy. There's a difference between being lazy, being a complete effing moron and just the desire to clarify something. I'm not expecting you to become a walking corpus, but there's a limit to how much stupidity and laziness one can ignore.)
Bubbhalaisuus, asteen verran Buddhalaisuutta pessimistisempi uskonto. Sen mukaan elämässä on kärsimystä ja sitä aiheuttavat kanssakansalaiset, ja tästä kärsimyksestä voi vapautua vain vapautumalla kanssaeläjistään. Janosta pääsee esiin lasilla Koukkua, tietämättömyys on niiden kanssa-apinoiden tietämättömyyttä, ja valaistumiseen kannattaa katsoa että lampussa on tarpeeksi tehoja, kunnon halogeenivalaisinta suositellaan.
Mikko was watching "House on Haunted Hill". He was near the end as I walked past and commented boredly, "Help help, I'm being attacked by a gigantic Rorschach test."
BTW, why is there no language setting for Bad English on Youtube, ffs? Bad English is the most common language in the world, and when I speak English out loud I sound like I'm trying to stammer in a mixture of Klingon and Quenya! Years ago one of my professors said that language is always open for interpretation, but I don't think you're supposed to greet people and leave them wondering why you asked them to for a serving of deep-fried sloth, pronto.)
20.10.2021 (17:33) Poor kittens
Oooo, someone else also draws stairs as a hobby! I once drew a staircase in a grocery store while my husband was selecting cheese. It drew many stares from other customers, but now it's obvious I'm not the only one doing it.
These berks were given kittens and then they just cut them open and squealed.
Porsaille* töitä tekevien kanslereiden katoamistapaukset tulisi tutkia uudelleen. Note to self: älä syö tässä ruokapaikassa.
Mikko has the patience of a saint in the mornings. With aplomb he tolerates my baleful glares and the grumbling I make as I emerge from my cocoon of pillows and duvets like an exceptionally vicious and ugly moth. Then again, he's the one who makes the breakfast tea, without which I'd be an awful and intolerable grump all day, and to actually bite a chunk of flesh off his arse before I receive the two cups would not be wise.
Then again he does test my patience in return. I made the creamy apple pie I mentioned earlier. A big one, should have been enough for a dozen people. We shared a slice that night before bed. When I made my way downstairs the next morning, I had a "Pirates of the Caribbean-moment" - oh you know the line. "The rum is gone. Why is the rum gone?" except that the pie was missing, because neither one of us cares for rum, but apparently Mikko cared enough for pie to eat it all in a few hours.
*Lasketaanko poliitikot, BTW?
18.10.2021 (21:21)
I used to cough to the crook of my arm, but then I discovered the advantages of coughing on a chef. Preferably one with multiple Michelin stars.
You don't even get sacrificed on an altar; they'll take you somewhere else and then kill you.
She's white, addictive and unhealthy.
Mikko and the joys of life spent with a nocturnal wife, part XIV: the shock when the wife becomes tactile at 3AM and crawls in your bed to warm her freezing toes on your bare skin. I swear the poor man shrieked like a soprano dropped in icy water, and I was half tempted to test if his balls had escaped through his throat. He'd have hated it even more, because my hands were also freezing.
Now that I've passed the age of forty (and then some), I'm at the stage of life where a couple of my friends are actually dating (or are willing to date) widows/widowers. One of them mentioned the feeling of inadequacy, of not quite measuring up to that beloved and lost spouse, but I sincerely doubt that any of the widows would go about shrieking, "Fine, who's got the tape measure? Trousers down and form an orderly line! Except those who drive an Audi or a Mercedes; you needn't bother!"
Currently using Mikko as my test subject again: now I’m doing serial testing by making hot chocolate and then melting assorted chocolates in it. Have had some interesting mixes, I’ll probably dry dark mint chocolates next. He’ll also get a creamy apple pie tonight (I’ll be using thick cream mixed with sugar, cinnamon and quark).
14.10.2021 (22:15) You'll still be dead; just a bit more pretty and a lot more valuable
Just as lethal as the black plague, but your unpleasant beneficiaries will be able to sell your stiff carcass for a good profit.
Another campaign gets utterly trashed because a bottle is somehow involved. In both war and politics, I guess.
"Fine! You can buy anything you want, darling, just please stop climbing my light fixtures!" Or in Finnish: "Nyt tuut vittu alas sieltä."
13.10.2021 (21:04) A pollster orgy in the four-poster bed
Four pollsters sharing one bed. That sounds like either one heck of an upcoming election, or the income for gauging public opinion is terribly low.
Yes, please stop shaking.
Ennen mittauslaitteistoja mitattiin taidetapahtumien desibelitasokin kappoina.
There's one thing that very few people can actually understand about my brain: it's a chocolate-powered idea machine that never stops. The only way to stop my mind from spewing forth random ideas and plans is to read a book; nothing else works. Watching telly won't work, talking with someone won't work, and concentrating on something most definitely won't work, because sooner rather than later I'll simply stop, stare blankly at something or someone (it's probably unnerving, but the fact is that I can't see what's in front of me) because my brain has just regurgitated an idea for a novel which I'll never write, plans for a house that'll never be built, or a design for a frock, a piece of jewellery or furniture that'll never be made. It'd be simple if I could just concentrate on one field and keep at it, but doing one thing for more than a few hours gets absolutely exhausting, and during the worst times I need a computer right next to my book and I bounce between turning pages and reading steadily whilst managing hundreds of open browser tabs and additional programs such as Notepad++, Snipping Tool, OpenOffice etc.
11.10.2021 (20:49) Broadly bored with board games
Funny, I also get bored when I'm forced to play games.
If someone says "yes", take your kids and run. That, and shoot the bastard before you do.
Sikalassa kaikki järjestykseen. Vaikka pitäisi keksiä uusi verbi.
Over twenty years and my darling husband still hasn't learned some lessons: he told me I'd be free to wake him up if I needed anything, even if it was just a cuddle. I did tell him he'd be able to only blame himself when I'd crawl under his covers for the N:th time during the early hours and tell him cheerfully, "thirteenth time's the charm!" I have a tendency to get very cuddly and borderline hyper at night. Cynical and sarcastic, perhaps, but also very affectionate and handsy with those I like, and doubly so with Mikko (fine, more than double). Friends can expect a kiss or a hug, but Mikko gets the full experience of a hyper-excited wife with cold feet and freezing hands crawling under his blankets in the middle of the night.
My planned fun was spoiled when I didn't have the heart to wake him up. Damn and blast!
Sometimes people ask me what I did today. I answer ”oh you know, just… stuff. Things.” Well, this is ”ceiling stuff”. A detail from upstairs larger gallery hallway ceiling. It's a big ceiling though, it'll take some time to complete, and we'll need to build scaffolds over the staircase.
9.10.2021 (20:21) Homicidal pastes
Dark pastes leave terrible stains, but things get really messy if the pastes start hunting you.
Only a mother can wear this type of hood. If you've never been preggers, it'll just slip off.
A very small hood.
Our terrace looks like a jungle now that I've taken the plants indoors for the winter. All we need now is an ape, but I doubt Mikko would appreciate a suggestion that he'd strip and move into the terrace from his comfortable bedroom. Offering him a banana wouldn't help, even if I baked it into a cake (or banana bread, gods help my soul).
And when I posted the comment above on Facebook, an automatic prompt suggested I should promote the post to get offers from my area. What the hell do they expect, someone offering to sell me an ape? Or their services as a freelance ape?
A good friend is coming for a brief visit on Wednesday. I always get surprised when someone tells me it's so nice to see me, but I suspect it's some kind of biannual spot-an-idiot-day and I simply wasn't notified.
Another friend questioned why I'm not quite as funny, cynical and verbal in real life. So far they haven't caught on to my strategy, which involves not talking to people so that they won't try and talk with me.
7.10.2021 (17:26) Dishrags are hereby and henceforth declared inedible
As opposed to the usual tea set which not only rattles and clatters, but also tends to spontaneously explode, oh shit, there goes the third cup up in flames.
A very loud place.
Mahdollisesti suvuttomasti.
I had an interesting conversation with a relatively new friend who, for some bloody odd reason, had gotten it into her head that I'm very high maintenance with food. And yes, while my favourite foods are Confit de Canard, skagenröra and the dishes like lamb or elk cooked with vegetables in wine or a whole chicken stuffed with sliced fruit, I actually enjoy street food, and some of my oldest friends can attest I like pizza, fries and burgers. What I cannot stand are the bland Finnish traditional foods* and, by gods, whoever thought that eating lingonberries in any form (unless in an extreme crisis of famine) is a good idea should've been drawn and quartered. Unless you intend to serve me baltic herring you're pretty safe, because the only proper way to prepare baltic herring is to bury it in an unmarked hole.
That said, our usual monthly chocolate delivery arrived. A large parcel this time. My 'sampling' went a bit overboard, and I've decided that whereas taste-testing is involved, the meaning of the word 'sampling' must be redefined to 'stuffing your face until you're half nauseous'. Someone should contact the people at OED. Can't help but respect Mikko: I surprised him with ten of his favourite chocolates and a box of raspberry & chocolate pralines, and he hasn't tried any (although we've shared a few of the Venchi chocolates. Oh fine, more than a few!)
Not really hungry right now, but our initial plan of eating things we randomly and blindly pointed out in the kitchen was scrapped due to our mutual unwillingness to ingest a jar of pickled cucumbers, a fork, a dishrag, and a misplaced bottle of cooking oil.
*The meat is always overcooked and the use of spices minimal: just a bit of salt and black pepper. Boring, bland and cheap. Foreigners, unless they're serving you reindeer, don't try Finnish traditional foods: starving may be preferable.
05.10.2021 (16:57) Spontaneous loss of breasts will leave you at least crestfallen
Everything seemed to be going well, and then – quite unexpectedly – my tits fell off.
The plans to use the less than palatable bottle of Bordeaux as paint were reluctantly discarded.
Remember to spread a thick layer of jam on your straw mattress.
An old saying in Finnish informs us roughly that crazy people are cheap to entertain, but pastimes for idiots are completely free ("Hulluilla on halvat huvit, idiooteilla ilmaiset"). I know what category I fall into when a good malapropism found online fills me with unholy glee. Then again I just received my credit card invoice, which is several digits beyond the boundaries of any sort of delight. Although I have, once again, been sufficiently entertained.
Our terrace smells sweet: our neighbour gave me an Angel's Trumpet (Brugmansia) a few months ago, and it keeps flowering even though we moved it indoors a few weeks ago. Also had fresh strawberries for dessert last night. Strawberries grown outside and not in a greenhouse with artificial lighting, mind you, though it's October in Finland, and they were nicely sweet, too. Often late strawberries can be terribly bland, but these were excellent. <
03.10.2021 (17:10) If I intend to do a more convincing Churchill, I'll need so shave off most of my hair
There was a time when a nice shower was a relaxing affair, you know. Should I do a Churchill here? "We shall go on bathing. We shall wash in shower, we shall wash in the public and private saunas, we shall wash with brushes and soaps in the tub, we shall defend our hygiene, whatever the cost of soap may be. We shall never surrender to dirt, and if, which I do not for a moment believe, the soap and shampoo would run out, we would carry on the struggle of bathing, until, in God's good time, the New World, with all its power and might, steps forth to import more hygiene products."¹
Very honourable indeed.
Tarvitseeko rivikanssakansalaisen tietää siasta muutakin kuin paras tapa maustaa ja paistaa?
Additional note: we now have some partridge in the freezer, as well as white-tailed deer (the moose meat arrives in November, probably). As always, contact me if you want to come eat. As always: the meal is free, bring nothing with you (we're literally cluttered with stuff and we don't need gifts or presents) and sauna and overnight accommodations are available for those who travel longer distances.
¹My apologies to any and all Brits for taking a shot at Churchill and part of your national heritage. I'd offer you a chance to take a few kicks at Mannerheim and Kekkonen in return, but you poor buggers probably don't know who they were, anyway.
30.09.2021 (12:23) Conan and the attack of the malicious CGI
So, did you carry a coffin with the dirt and the gravestone, or a proper mausoleum?
"...is that Helmut Kohl...? The Helmut Kohl? Good gods!"
Riippuu siitä nostaako koira syytteen kunnianloukkauksesta.
Movies really aren’t my thing. I rarely got to watch anything when I was a kid because my father had a monopoly over the telly. SciFi used to be my guilty pleasure when I moved away and got the chance to watch anything and everything I wanted, but I got too cynical after the millionth time I watched a space macho (they always speak English with an American accent regardless of the continent, planet, galaxy or colony they originate from, n'est-ce pas?) get into a patriotic frenzy and declare to his/her team/mate/leader/nemesis (all equally good listeners) that he’d/she'd die in a heroic kamikaze bomb delivery before allowing the villains to harm the Earth/colony/space station. I started wondering if they actually condition their space heroes into suicidal heroism until they have to forcefully hold them back at every corner because, “No, don’t attack that, put down that nuclear missile, that’s the bloody tea trolley!”
That said, Mikko was watching Conan the Destroyer (yes, I know he has terrible taste in entertainment) last night and I joined him for a couple of minutes. Watching anything with me must be annoying because I make comments like, "Oh no, the enemy has changed into bad CGI!" and "that 'bling' sound is Conan's iphone notifying him that WiFi is available and reminding him to take his spare loincloth to the nearest dry cleaner". I really ought to leave the poor man alone when he's watching something.
One can tell when Mikko is having a bad day: I can hear him bellowing in his work room. I know he doesn't have meetings at this hour, though I doubt he yells at others quite like that anyway: nevertheless, his howling and roaring woke me up, so I sent him an SMS with the words "Kokouksessa karjuminen kasvattaa kaiketi keuhkokapasiteettia"*, roughly "bellowing at meetings will perhaps increase your lung capacity". He toned it down after that: he really was being quite loud.
*His loud bellyaching woke me up at 11:00 AM. Too bloody early by far! Danger: waking up Kat will make her alliterate needlessly**.
**But only in Finnish. In the morning my English consist of phrases such as "XMFFFTHFFF", "blllllfh" and "glmfh", though I might curse in several languages and invent a few new words.
28.09.2021 (00:03) Greetings from the site of the great wasp massacre of 2021
If someone gets gapped (how do you put gaps into a person, anyway? Dismember them and spread the parts on a wider area? Or do just big and gaping holes suffice?), I'd like to think the people doing it are in shock. Though I'm not sure the victim would feel any better.
There are worse things than cynical old men.
Nyt on kelli myynnissä. Ostakaa kelli. Koko miestä ei tarvitse mihinkään.
The plague of wasps continues. Killed 17 today: on the worst day the number was around 30 (we lost count), but it's been at an average of about 20 wasps per day for over two weeks now. Both big bastards and little fuckers all united in their common goal to enter the house and scare the stuffing out of us. I've stepped* on one a few times, each time screeching like a banshee and jumping in the air like a rabbit**, but neither one of us has gotten stung so far. Vacuum cleaners are useful in this battle.
I may have bought an advent calendar. But it's Swarovski! It's also the first advent calendar I've had since I was, what, eight or nine years old? The link will undoubtedly expire before January, so I'll recap for the future: Swarovski Advent Calendar, contains 25 Crystal ornaments, including 12 exclusives made specifically and only for this calendar, with a 650 € price tag. I told Mikko it could be his gift for my name day in November (he usually buys me figurines anyway, so it'll save him some work). And just a fair warning: call me childish and I'll murder with a teaspoon.
*Quick note to any foreigners: wearing shoes indoors in Finland is a big no-no. You either walk barefoot, wear socks or use (indoor) slippers. One generally doesn't expect to find bugs on the floor.
**There's a not-so-hilarious dance of entomophobia after you step on a bug: you shake your leg in the air both wanting to get whatever bug-molecules off your skin and yet unwilling to touch it, and you swear you can still feel the blasted thing. Laughing at it might be considered lethal***.
***Do not suggest taking up the can-can. They'll never find your corpse.
26.09.2021 (16:50) Some shockingly soiled socks
What he hell did you do, glue your socks on? No, wait, is this the standard male method of using the same filthy socks until they're stiff with sweat and let them wear off your feet in pieces?
While this is grammatically correct, I can't help but think this person piloting a husband through the air like a Boeing or a Zeppelin. The farmer won't be happy if you land your husband in his field, you know.
Paras ruokavalio Zombie-elämäntyyliä noudattavalle.
For those who want to taste moose/elk meat:
We get an annual rent in moose meat every autumn (late autumn, mind you, so not yet!), enough to prepare a couple of nice, big meals. If anyone wants to join us for a meal of elk* in red wine sauce with caramelized vegetables and mashed potatoes at Fågeltorp (perhaps Skagenröra or runner beans in bacon as sides?), feel free to email me, and I'll let you know when the meat arrives and approximate dates for meals. And if you've no time this year, don't worry: the rent paid in moose meat is an annual thing. Overnight accommodations are available.
(I'll also be getting a little bit of white-tailed deer next Tuesday, so if you ask very nicely... ;))
*No, it's not dry, though elk meat is low in fat. I completely submerge the meat in red wine for cooking; trust me, it's far from dry!
24.09.2021 (1:34) I've decided to keep all rights to my arms and hands, but might negotiate about my left foot
It's been a tad chilly so I tried to order a desert, hoping they'd make an extension to Kalahari or the Sahara all the way across Europe to Finland; we could've used the extra heat. The bastards brought me an ice cream.
Is my weak understanding of English causing limitations, or did I understand correctly and this character just refused the rights to her own hand?
Huutokuppa on tautina sekä äänekäs että nolo.
No, my habit of inventing ridiculous titles and headlines isn't going anywhere, no matter how much one might hope...
23.09.2021 (02:06) Do fish have gaps in them or do the fish make gaps?
Simulated orgasm, Hollywood (& local brothel) style.
101 things we didn't know about fish biology.
Peran viimeinen leposija on muovipussi. RIP, Pera. (Kuvan copyright Salla, käytetty luvalla)
The battle against wasps continues. 23 wasps inside today, including the big bastard that landed on me as I was washing my hair. We've killed a lot, but they have us at an advantage by sheer numbers. I did mention I'm afraid of wasps too? I howled badly. Amplified by the bathtub it probably sounded something akin to an angry goose stuffed inside an empty oil barrel.
Aamurutiiniini kuuluu lähettää Mikolle viesti heti herättyäni, jolloin Mikko tekee aamuteen ja tuo sen vuoteeseen. Tänä aamuna sain kuitenkin vastausviestin: "Asennus käynnissä, voi mennä pari tuntia". Olisin halunnut lähettää vastauksen "Asenne käynnissä, voi mennä pari ikkunaa", mutta pahalla tuurilla Mikko olisi kuitenkin ottanut sen tosissaan ja olettanut minun olevan liikkeellä huonolla asenteella, vaikka edes Mikko ei ole niin herkkäuskoinen että luulisi minun rikkovan ikkunoita. Puuttuu joku universaali 'kunhan soitan suutani'-merkki.
21.09.2021 (22:37) All your fault. Yes, you sorry bastard behind the screen!
Last day for the Seven Days of Harry Potter-Mistakes. I have a lot more, but I'll post more HP-errors in the future. Tomorrow we'll resume the other strange mistakes, errors and oddities. If you have requests about mistakes or want to share your own finds, feel free to drop me a line (my email address can be found from the lost temple in the jungles of Guyana hidden in a silver trunk protected by several venomous serpents and a deranged loon with a meat cleaver. Or you can just look it up from the main page)
Some people seem to think that this name is more accurate. I hate blonde prats, but there's no accounting for tastes.
Something was so vile that they only mention that it's vile. And then it turns into gold later? Huh. (Vials containing vile liquids. Close enough, I guess?)
Bonus:
Harry Potter and the Quest to Write "Crucio" and "Cruciatus"? A bigger challenge than full seven years through Hogwarts or the attempt to read through those books while keeping your sanity*. 'Cricio' will probably cause a mental crisis of some sort. 'Cruicio' is only used aboard ocean liners. 'Crustacius' is useful when eating a lobster or a shrimp. Curciatus is forbidden because it makes someone curse worse than I do on a very bad day**. As a bonus to a bonus we give you the Imperious curse: while Imperius negates free will, the Imperious just makes you act like a pompous arse.
A bit colder tonight. (-3°C/26.6°F). Took most of the plants in. The semi-heated porch looks like a jungle, though I suspect most jungles have fewer high-heeled shoes. I know it feels cold now, and in March I'll be more than fed up with the necessary annual -30°C (/-22°F), delighted with only a couple of minus degrees and walking outside without a coat when the temperatures return to zero.
*I can't blame the books, though, since I only read them ten years ago or so. I wish I could blame some book, but alas... I'll just blame you, and I don't care if we've never met or if you're in a different country or a different continent. Your fault!
**Every day I have to deal with people.
20.09.2021 (16:15) It's not a loan unless you give it back
A date that lasts a month and requires contraceptives? I wouldn't actually call that "a date".
St Mungo's is a hospital in 'Harry Potter'-series, and St Mango's is a special hospital that deals with people who've been wholly or partially changed into a fruit, including the weekly cases where some poor scrote has a banana in place of his tallywhacker. Also extra space for 'fruitcakes'.
Moving most of the strawberries to the southeastern balcony was a smart move. We're now getting fresh strawberries in late September: a large handful today, and the taste is excellent. When kept so high the plants get more warmth and plenty of sunlight. I have tomatoes in there, as well as some runner beans (though the beans kept at ground level have given a better yield, and one of the vines died during the event I like to call "the great Hausjärvi deluge of 2021" because the massive rainfalls drowned them before I remembered that particular pot wasn't self-draining)
Suomen kielessä on aika paljon lainasanoja. Tosin en ole kyllä vielä kertaakaan nähnyt todisteita siitä että joku aikoisi antaa ne takaisin. Jos nyt vaan ihan rehellisesti myöntäisitte että varastettuja sanoja ne ovat eivätkä lainattuja. Vai ajattelitteko luovuttaa ne joskus takas, mitä hä? Että kiitti vaan lainasta, ei me enää tarvita kuin murto-osa meidän sanastosta, tuosta saatte takas omanne. Maksettaisiin teille kolmasosa Kalevalasta korkona mut ette te sitä kuitenkaan huoli.
(The above Finnish text in brief summary: don't call any of the words in your language 'loanwords' unless you intend to give them back. They're stolen, you thieving little pillock, unless you return parts of your vocab to whomever you filched them from. With interest.)
19.09.2021 (1:30) I've also cursed my husband's genitals, but he just laughed
Does this means "cunts" or "knuts"? Bets, anyone?
I.e. any curse aimed at your genitals.
Mikko inherited some forest land (10,8 hectares, which is about 26.69 acres to you foreign marvels) from his mother, who passed away two years ago. He's adorably chuffed, because his family has lived in those lands at least since the 17th century, and Mikko has fond memories of his childhood spent there doing harvest or vacationing with his grandparents. The lands he received are heavily forested (mainly pine, but also some spruce and birch), and there's a hunting lodge that belongs to the local hunting group: they pay an annual rent in moose meat (which tastes terrific if you prepare it properly). It's been a long road, because for the longest time his brother demanded that for some obscure reason he should have received all the lands and forests: it made my poor husband terribly depressed, because he hates all disagreements. He's a gentle and kind soul, this husband of mine*, and I hate people who make him feel bad, though in this case I'm very much trying not to. It was that much worse because I promised over twenty years ago that I'd never meddle in his family affairs as long as he didn't get involved in mine (it works better that way, trust me, some of my relatives would've eaten him alive). But now the forest is his and he's delighted. I actually promised I'd visit the place (it's in Kymenlaakso) with him, though I detest the very idea of traipsing through a forest with the burning passion of a thousand suns: I couldn't deny him, considering how excited he was.
*Unlike me: always prepared for battle when confronted by idiots**
**About 99,7% of the time.
17.09.2021 (21:01) Death Eaters look better in lipstick, blush and a little mascara
Voldemort decided to do away with the masks and updated the dress code to include make-up.
Apparently this ought to be 'disillusion' but allusion are worse than being seen. Especially intertextual allusions, good god!
Just yesterday I wrote, and so quoth she, "--look positively deranged--", but I realised I used such a huge misnomer. I'd understand if someone was negatively deranged, but positively? Do people whinge that "life was just so darn dull before she became unhinged, but now you never know if she'll kick you in the groin, offer you a chocolate biscuit or yank out a hair from your nostril. No more dull days, yay!"
I could do a Finnish mistake for once so my poor Finns get something too:
Hyvä ostos, joskin noutomatka ajassa taaksepäin oli hieman haastava.
The SCS 2021 AE Zebra Amai arrived today (Baby Zuri came earlier, back in June).
16.09.2021 (19:29) People who call everything "pain in the arse" should be given a bottle of lube
At this point it's good to thank the various people who've sent me all kinds of hilarious mistakes, errors and screencaps. My love and appreciation to Salla, Noora, Leena, Kati, Siiri, Henna, Tuula, Danielle, Laura and J.F.
Ron Weasley firing a cannon is dramatic. Ron Weasley launched with a cannon is more dramatic. May I vote for the latter option?
Welcome to yet another edition of Hogwarts the Musical. Professor Sinistra was replaced, and in Defence Against the Dark Arts we've got Elvis singing 'I Banished Boggarts My Way'.
Yet another friend showed me pictures of her new hair-do: she had lovely curls, and I'd kill to get curls like that. I'm also terribly envious, because my hair just doesn't hold a curl at all. Unless, of course, someone rubs in several bottles worth of chemicals, and then I end up shedding bits of dried something-or-other every time the wind blows and look like I'm suffering from a case of dandruff bad enough to resemble a passing minor snowfall. I've an old photo, taken about 10 years ago, where I managed to get curls for a few glorious hours (I'm grinning like an absolute loon in the pic and look positively deranged with glee), but I went to bed without washing my hair and had to wash my bedding the next morning because the sheets stank like a brothel and shed bits of fixatives on the floor, while the pillowcase stuck to my face. And I believe I've mentioned before the sad case the "permanent" curl which ended up looking like a pyramid for a week and then disappeared on its own. No, it didn't grow out: it simply straightened on its own.
So, no curls for me. Instead of being impressively curly and well-behaved, my hair gets everywhere and irks the heck out of me unless I keep it up. No braid will hold, and it laughs at ponytails and snaps plastic bands. The only thing that holds it in place is a huge and sturdy claw clip, and they break in about a month because of pure strain. Because I'm desperately afraid of all insects and bugs, I also routinely wake up with a shock when it tickles somewhere, and on one memorable occasion I'd slept badly (nightmares) and woke up with some of my hair tangled around my bloody ankle (it was a pain in the scalp* to remove).
*No, not 'pain in the arse'. You're thinking of the wrong hair, my friend.
15.09.2021 (17:32) Order of coercion: 1) begging, 2) bribery, 3) blackmail, 4) battery, 5) baking
Who gives a shite about the Daily Prophet? Rake in some serious dough with financial publications.
Shrieking Shack was too effing loud. But don't worry, we've replaced it.
Simply popping the SSD drive from one laptop into another is absolutely the best way to switch primary computers*. Didn't dare do it myself: I shanghaied Mikko. Not even sure if it counts as forcing him: I involved begging and bribery and didn't bother with blackmail**. The apple cake crowned the deal. Apparently a very soft and airy cake topped with a layer of thin apple slices, cinnamon, sugar and crushed hazelnuts works better than a whole fleet of navy-related tricks (though I could have threatened him with bad puns).
Olen muuten keski-ikäisen lisäksi keskiäkäinen.
*Although my first reaction with any computer is "kill Cortana with fire".
** No, didn't involve battery either, don't be an idiot. I love him, and being married is like a 24/7 mental battery & assault with a blunt weapon anyway. Poor husband.
14.09.2021 (17:32) Allied Geometric... ally
I'll be doing a Harry Potter mistakes-week, dedicated especially for Tuula, whose love for all things Potter is disconcerting - to say the least. She's had a bad year, so this next week is for you, T. Two Potter-mistakes at a time for seven days.
House-elves are the nice creatures who like to clean and serve. Houselves are the ones that spontaneously take a dump in your room and nobody's surprised.
Harry Potter has many allies and helpers, we mustn't forget, for example, Trigonometric-ally. Might I also introduce an American friend, Pentagon ally? Good for war, y'know.
We purchased a taxidermy peacock. It was a sort of a "holy grail". This one has a tail about a metre long so it's relatively short, he possibly died young or just was on the smaller size. He's beautiful, though. No photos, unfortunately: I was an idiot and asked Mikko to lift it above the bookcases in the library before I got my camera out, so it's now three meters above the floor level. I'd normally take a photo from one of the second floor windows down into the library, but the light fixture has more than half a dozen bulbs burned out. That's out of nearly fifteen total, mind you, but enough to make the huge library much darker than it should be. Changing those bulbs isn't a matter of climbing a ladder, since the room is six metres high, so we have to assemble a scaffolding to change those blasted bulbs. So, until I either A) ask Mikko to help me take it down long enough to take a picture, A) buy a better camera, or C) kick myself and him enough to actually change those bulbs... the picture will have to wait. Mind you, there's a really poor quality one in Instagram here, but my iPhone didn't do that great work in the dark and over the distance either. (I've been testing Instagram, but I don't really like it. Very few of my friends actually use it, and a lot of it seems to be based on social action and interaction, but being terribly social really isn't one of my strong suits)
Also visited Sääksmäki while we were close by. My great-grandparents are buried there, along with multiple other relatives (never met my great-grandfather but I still remember great-grandmother fondly though she died decades ago, she was a lovely person). The medieval church is quite pretty, though we didn’t go indoors. Wanted to visit the Rapola fort ruins, but I forgot to pop my sneakers in the trunk and it’s definitely not a place for high heels. It was chilly and windy anyway: we’ve decided to make it a day trip come next spring.
12.09.2021 (17:16) Please evacuate on all fours and remember to assist your children in raiding a beehive
Adding shutters and other similar window dressings to the list of things to watch out for.
So far we've been unsuccessful in reeling in customers. We actually only have unreal customers outside but perhaps one day they'll be real and inside.
Evacuation is really slow now that everyone needs to be covered in thick fur. Hibernating through danger is currently being tested with mixed results.
Still mostly offline, but I should be back properly and full force (if not full sanity, though that's hardly surprising) by Wednesday or Thursday. My main laptop is a Lenovo T450 but I often use T430 simultaneously, with a Lenovo Tab 7 Essential and iPhone for travel, though I use a very old and cheap basic Nokia at home (simply because I keep dropping the phone and break one every year, and I prefer to use a laptop for anything more complicated than simple calls and sms). I used to carry a laptop in a briefcase everywhere, but that got tiring. Probably should get a newer laptop, but I like these and it takes absolutely ages to set everything just right. That's actually not bad: Mikko needs two laptops and two huge monitors for his work, thus working with four screens at once: and apparently his job isn't even the worst.
Also working on solving a wasp problem. The buggers have made a hive inside a wall, and now some are coming inside through some gap we’ve yet to discover (in a wall over 100 years old and made of ancient logs it’s no wonder). I’m afraid of all insects and Mikko detests all wasps and bees, so the situation is about as thrilling as the dead rat you buried in the compost heap a week ago making an unannounced and unexpected reappearance at your breakfast table (and remember to ‘thank’ your toddler or your family pet for that).
Can't help loving all these typos and homophones. Over 350 of them have been posted here so far and I've got at least the same amount if not more waiting. I keep finding them in my backups, old laptops etc. There isn't a "finder's fee" when you find a good typo, but there's a "finder's glee" which is actually better.
08.09.2021 (23:04) Beware of Italian knock-off mariachi bands
And so, instead of going to the loo, he found himself cooking a hearty leek stew.
A new product for antisocial people: protect yourself everywhere with our new barriers, fully equipped with handy wheels. Satisfaction guaranteed: now they'll have to request entry before coming into your personal space! Coming next: the new port-a-door X20. Doorbell not included in standard package.
One of the biggest mistakes I've made in 2021 was giving Mikko a set of movies featuring Terence Hill and Bud Spencer. I don't have to watch them (and thank heavens for that), but unfortunately the television was moved to a close proximity to my bedroom*. The house is large and on principle I could migrate** to another room further away, except I need to work, all my supplies are here, and now I'm forced to listen to a terrible rendition of Wagner by a crappy Italian version of a mariachi band for the tone-deaf on too high volume.I'm suffering and I've only myself to blame. I need to buy him some movies without any sounds at all.
PSA: I'll probably be mainly offline most of the day on Thursday, so don't expect any quick replies. My laptop's fan is imitating a chainsaw meeting an iron bar, and I hate using most of these communication programs on my alternate devices, so I probably won't get back with any replies until evening when it returns, hopefully with some new parts.
*Yes, we have separate bedrooms. Unfortunate but necessary: Mikko snores. Quite frankly he sounds like an uncanny imitation of a vulture learning to play a trombone crossed with someone stepping repeatedly on an enraged mallard. Would you like to try sleeping next to someone who sounds like that? No? Didn't think so. And having two beds just means we get to play conquer-the-bed daily. Who wins? Who cares!
**Yes, I used the word 'migrate' on purpose. Someone who needs to move less stuff might just, you know, walk to the other room, but I need all of these things, and since the distances inside the house are inconveniently long and carrying all this stuff is a hassle, I call it migrating. I also complain so much that I probably make as much noise as a big flock of geese. Don't have the flu so I don't sound like they do, which is a bonus. Maybe.
06.09.2021 (14:32) Well screw that
Yes, I know some people who need to lean on Bach or Mozart lest they end up horizontally positioned.
Screwdrivers and hammers are considerably more peaceful, but those tongs... Well, you know the drill. (good god, that might have been the worst pun for the whole week* and Monday's barely even begun!)
This one requires an explanation. Earlier in this story the character rushed away from the bed. I think she should have been darting away again, but oops.
Finns have a saying, "nauru pidentää ikää", or translated "laughter extends life". Apparently the equivalent in English is "Laugh lots, live longer". No you won't, you utter plonker. Someone'll murder you in your sleep with a bread knife and thus rids the world of yet another tittering, empty-headed pigeonbrain.
The holidays have ended, so I've been feeling mildly truculent. FYI, that's somewhere on the positive side of Katte-irritation-meter, starting from the casual everyday level of 'mildly irascible', meandering** through degrees such as 'likely to kick you in the head in ten seconds' and going up to the point where the entire country will spontaneously combust in a cloud of rage and leave a large and mildly toxic hole between Sweden and Russia - that'd be caused by the Katte-irritation-meter pointing to 'bellicose', just so you know. Fortunately for everyone*** Mikko knows how to deal with a truculent wife. He just sneaks a pot of tea into my bedroom, throws some chocolate at me and beats a hasty retreat.
*Or so I thought. I read that one out loud to Mikko and when he groaned, I told him without thinking that bad puns should be followed with punitive measures. Insert facepalm here.
**Oh, fine. Marching like a colony on fire ants on a mission.
**Except the Swedes and Russians. They'd probably prefer the toxic hole.
04.09.2021 (01:45) You never know were your arse might end up
E.g. permanently irascible and yearning for two cups of tea and a croissant?
Jacques Cousteau might have been impressed. Fruit industry probably too.
It's been raining heavily, but when you suddenly find yourself craving for fresh strawberries, your mouth doesn't ask if it's raining or not. Thus we were in the balcony a little past 1 am on Friday, stubbornly picking strawberries in the pouring rain and gloomy darkness while using a cell phone as a flashlight. The only way to make that any more Finnish would have been if we'd have been drunk off our arses and eating a Finnish sausage of questionable quality and unquestionably bad taste called in colloquial Finnish as "HooKoon Blöö".
About being drunk: no, I've never actually been drunk, but there's an excellent phrase used to describe a person who is three sheets to the wind: it's called "perseet olalla", translated "arses on shoulder". It specifically means multiple specific arses on one shoulder: if there was just one arse, it'd be "perse", if there were many unspecified arses, it'd be "perseitä", and several shoulders would be "olilla". So there's one shoulder holding several specific arses. That's Finns for you. And I think I could have used fifteen minutes with my husband conversing about something sensible, but there you go.
02.09.2021 (19:57) When* you suck, don't cheer yourself up by calling yourself the biggest sucker in the world
Severe hygiene problems in the Royal Navy.
Some people seem incapable of keeping papers dry and clean. Don't lend them any of your books.
When you feel like a miserable failure, you can at least call yourself the winner in the great contest of failure.
I was writing labels on jam jars. When I write for personal use (including my diary, my personal records and letters to friends and family), I use old cursive script, the type I learned in school (my younger brother learned the newer system, but I was taught the old style). I was deep in my thoughts and so the lowercase letters L became T:s in some labels (almost the same in that cursive except for one line). Thus I now have a couple of jars full of "omenahitto" and "luumuhitto". 'Hillo' is jam in Finnish and 'hitto' means, well, the rough equivalent in "damn!", which means I have canned some 'apple-damnit!' and 'plum-blasted!'. I've not looked through the jam I made and labelled earlier, but I have a sneaking suspicion that my pantry contains jars of 'raspberry-drat!', 'strawberry-bugger' and 'rhubarb-fuckening'.
Apparently Mikko took my earlier statement about how much I dislike restaurants as a challenge, because he dragged** me to Porvoo on Tuesday. As much as I hate people and social interaction, I absolutely adore Porvoo, and a visit to Porvoo Cathedral and the following stroll by the riverside and along the medieval cobbled streets managed to whet my appetite enough for Mikko to successfully drag me to Zum Beispiel. I have to admit I much prefer Gabriel 1763, though. We also did some shopping in the old toy store Riimikko (miniatures, of course) and visited Petri's Chocolate, Brunberg, a couple of antique shops (funny how antique stores and flea markets have all recently become ‘vintage stores’, don’t you think?) and several bakeries (including the unbeatable Tearoom Helmi). I’m exhausted but I’ve enough chocolate to last me a while, and a promise from Mikko that I can stay home the next few weeks.
*When, not 'if'.
**A combination of begging, bribery and blackmail.
30.08.2021 (14:41) Still no idea why anyone'd call the night after your wedding 'the hottest and sexiest night ever'
Your soup leaks out and you're left with potatoes.
We got married and spent the entire night weeding the garden. Thank gods for flashlights.
It seemed like a pretty good idea to apply glue between yourself and a cannon, until they fired the thing.
Our conversation in sauna on Saturday:
M: I’m pretty sure that one reason the human language originally developed was because people had spare time.
K: I’m pretty sure that human language originally developed because people wanted to tell their neighbour to feck off.
M: That’s still spare time and social interaction, because merely communicating with them is social.
K: I doubt they wasted any time before telling the git to shove off. The bloody bastard moved in one day and built a shack right next to your cave and just won’t leave. How else will you tell him to bugger off behind the next mountain range? That’s antisocial. The other bastard’s the social one.
Of course we weren’t serious, we’re aware of some of the theories behind language development and the research and debate is interesting: work just forces us both to be serious and gives no leeway to exercise sarcasm and cynicism, so we do stuff like this for the fun of it. And I do love the way we can talk about so many things. My family wasn't academically inclined: I was steered towards marrying early and well, leaving home as soon as possible and either establishing a private business (with my future husband at the helm, of course) or working in the health care sector*. Asking questions wasn't encouraged, and things regarding anything except immediate success and monetary gain were summarily dismissed as inconsequential and silly. If you couldn't do something immediately and it would require a few years of work beforehand, it wasn't worth planning at all.
When I met Mikko it was like coming home. He told me that school is for cramming your head with answers from a book and reciting them back, and academia is where you learn to ask questions. He not only accepted my tendency to design and plan things years ahead, making scetches about things that swam into my head, he didn't put me down for asking questions about physics, geology or biology, and he never, ever told me that what I wanted was either useless, impossible or just plain stupid. He often joins my planning sessions and combines his knowledge with mine, and together we do everything better: we write together, learn, just talk, plan and draw and calculate just for the heck of it. A decade or so ago I allowed myself to be convinced I'd indeed married too early, but we weren't functional when separated and ended up spending all our spare time together anyway, suffering when we had to be apart. I've never been more miserable than without him, even though we spent most of our days and about half of our nights together.
*Not as a doctor, mind you, but a nurse, because I was female. I actually did a short stint on a volunteer basis in a care home for the elderly, and while I adored (most) of the charges and visited one of them for a long time afterwards, it wasn't for me.
28.08.2021 (14:25) No sex if you stab your partner with a pen
"In the Navy..."
Her other tit was a damn ugly and saggy thing and completely bared.
Writing against someone else's back can be erotic if you do it right, but my husband stopped enjoying it after I got a severe case of writer's block and stabbed him with a pen.
Then again, she never did learn to understand humans.
Being a sarcastic and cynical bastard in a relationship can be tiring - to both parties. I'm well aware of how exhausting it can be to face bitter sarcasm every day, especially for a spouse who is hopelessly optimistic, so in the early years I spent an awful lot of time and energy gauging his moods and feelings from the smallest clues so I'd know when I'd need to tone it down. Now it's more automatic, and I don't need much to know how just how far I can go. And if that fails, there's always a foolproof way of quickly improving his mood: buy him a book or a movie and he'll be happier than a pig in a muddy hole bombarded with ripe apples.
A long marriage means there's a whole separate and private language between spouses anyway. For example I have one (frequently used) hand gesture to tell Mikko he needs to lower his voice and another one to tell him I'm uncomfortable and need an excuse to leave. To beg for a kiss when he's already gone to bed and I'm walking by he lets out a kind of a moan that sounds a bit like a barn door with a rusty hinge meeting a walrus. When I told him what the moan reminded me of, he told me it's better than the other way around: a walrus meeting a barn door. At which point I told him that regardless of the rig built to launch the walrus, the sound would be a very loud cross between a squelch and a splat.
25.08.2021 (13:20) I'm not afraid of anything, but my left thumb has some severe phobias
He also kicked one of the people who dared to comment.
Siamese twins with two heads can survive, but I wouldn't have much hope for anything with four.
Localized fear: when you're not afraid but your back refuses to cooperate with the rest of your body.
My singing birdcage automaton works! I took a video when I got the new key like I promised some friends: I wasn't truthfully expecting it to work that well, because the mechanism hasn't been serviced since 1920 (if ever) when the original key was lost. I was expecting it to let out the few small chirps and a few movements I'd witnessed when the thing was measured for a new key (we had to take it apart for that), but it works beautifully! I didn't dare to wind it up all the way because the springs are ancient, but I was honestly expecting the bellows to wheeze or the mechanisms to jam, perhaps some restricted movements in the birds... so the video might show my surprise and delight. Even if the green bird is a disgrace, like I said in that video. So, if you want to watch a taxidermy bird and one half bird, half deranged plushie toy sing for the first time in 100 years: Link to Youtube. And yes, I'm aware that I went off on a tangent about the green bird.
22.08.2021 (01:41) Defend your king, the enema is at the gates!
Wait wait wait. You wanted a son and now you're putting him down a hole? Or, quite possibly, putting holes in him? Have I misunderstood something here?
Yksisarvisten harvinaisempi lahko.
I’ve heard that laughing at yourself helps you grow in character. It’d explain a few things, such as why I felt I needed a house with 500m2 of space, and my character’s so big my personality might be leaking out the windows and through the doors: there’s so much to laugh at. In that vein I could tell you about an incident that happened when I was 18. I may have told it in Finnish (I’m too lazy to check: I’ve been writing in this domain since 2003 and into blogging services like LJ ja Diaryland since 1999, and can’t be bothered to read it all back). I’m pretty sure I’ve never told this in English, so might as well.
Anyway, I was 18 and hosting an event for a bunch of people. We had around 70 people to feed, and 90% of those were either students or pupils in lower schools, so very few of us had more than a couple of pennies to rub together. The group needed food in large quantities, and it had to be cheap. There were six of us working in the kitchen to feed everyone, and we made a sort of a pasta dish, mixing cheap frozen vegetables, minced meat and the cheapest macaroni the student pennies could buy.
Too many cooks is not a good thing, especially since the event was ongoing in the background and we were all flitting in and out of the kitchen. I remember thinking that the others were probably such scatterbrains that they forgot to add spices and shook some into the large vats still cooking, stirred it well and ran off to do more work.
The problem was that we all thought the same way.
By the time the fourth chef took the spice containers and started to sprinkle them in, one of the others noticed and told her that she’d already done that. I admitted that I’d also added spices, followed by a third cook with the exact same admission.
So we’re staring at these huge vats of macaroni (with more than triple spices) and whatnot like they’re ticking time bombs… which they were, in a way, especially considering that one chef liked his food very spicy and had been generous with crushed chili and white pepper.
At this point one chef did the wise thing and took off like a rocket, leaving the rest of us with the macaroni and the burning (HA!) question, “who’s going to taste that?” Everyone stands in a circle, glancing hopefully in search of volunteers.
“You do it.”
“Not me.”
“Nuh.”
“You do it, Katte.”
“WHY ME?”
“Because you’re in charge.”
Now a statement “you’re the bravest” would’ve made me feel better and “you’re expandable” worse: all three statements were equally true. I swallowed, took a breath, bravely took one macaroni from the pot with a fork and placed it in my mouth, while my compatriots stared at me like I’m captain Ahab who, instead of going after Moby Dick with a harpoon, approaches with a whale-sized enema and a bad attitude. A second passed, and I was going to say, “it’s fine,” when I bit in and discovered the whole macaroni was filled to the brim with spices. Lots and lots and lots of spices. I screamed like a banshee as I felt white pepper crawling up my nostrils and dashed through the kitchen to a serving cart loaded with water pitchers, snatched one and started gulping.
At this moment one non-chef enters and sees me drinking from a jug, looking like a right plonker, the others laughing their ungrateful arses off at my predicament, and I could just see him thinking, “Ah, that’s just Katte,” and then he turns and leaves without a word.
We did get the food salvaged just a bit, and served it, and there were still some complaints about the spiciness and compliments about the cake, and I’ll never forget the moment my mouth vacillated between “on fire” and “comfortably numb” within a span of seconds.
21.08.2021 (12:38) Warning: do not steal a mausoleum
A very illegal hobby. People are bound to notice if someone keeps filching graves, markers and all. And the time that bastard stole a whole mausoleum? Fortunately they found it in his backyard. And to think some people collect boring stuff like rare tomes...
Don't let your horse rule.
Viitsiskö joku soittaa maanmittauslaitokseen?
Mikko and I had an argument. When we'd settled our differences and apologised (=he apologised and I muttered and grumbled something that might be construed as an apology) I asked him if I made him unhappy (it’s one of my biggest fears). He vehemently denied it, to which I responded by saying I’d just have to try harder. It took him no time at all to understand the implication and then we both cracked up.
Got my second COVID-vaccination yesterday. Arm has been a bit sore and since we're harvesting apples it was a bit uncomfortable, but this morning it's been better.
This came from being restored. I'm not impressed with the work they did with the green bird: it'd lost its entire scalp, eyes and upper part of its beak and looked like a scalped android, but the new eyes are too large and bulging, the green feathers are gaudy and stick out strangely, and the beak is misshaped and chunky. The result looks like a deranged toy, and I might try to find someone else to redo the job. The red bird cleaned up nicely (it looked more grey than red before), as did the rest of it, and it seems like the mechanism might actually be working, which is fantastic because to my knowledge the last time that cage was operated was in the early 1920s. The key is missing and we'll be working on finding a replacement next week (Mikko is on holiday). The cage dates back to the late 19th century: it's an automaton with wind-up mechanism. The case contains a mechanism with bellows that produce a "song", and the birds are supposed to open and close their beaks to the whistling and move their heads and tails. Hopefully we'll see it function for the first time in decades next week. Fingers crossed!
I did want to find a real bird and salvage the head and beak for this automaton, but I was offered birds that were clearly killed for the purpose and I couldn't live with the idea. I can live with antique taxidermy, but the way some people shoot birds just to stuff and display them is sickening and not something I want to support. I've allowed some of my own birds to be stuffed, but they're all birds that died of natural causes. And while some might call me a wimp, let me just remind you that I'm also a big and mean wimp who is very likely to kick you in the balls and then use all kinds of embarrassing things to stuff you while you remain alive and conscious.
20.08.2021 (18:03)
I dislike both surprise guests and guests who arrive over an hour early without any prior warning. I don't mind having friends visiting when its prearranged, but I do like the liberty of looking like a cross between a hobo and something that just got out of a clown car - without any innocent souls getting exposed to it.
Mikko doesn't count. He drives the clown car.
My plan of making Mikko fall asleep during a boring meeting by using shoulder massage failed, but he did make some obscene sounds. Thwarted again: his microphone was muted. Damn and blast!
.
19.08.2021 (01:45) Content warning: random acts of violence towards dancers, husbands, animals, tosspots and door frames
Even boring dances like the minuet become more interesting if the dancers are armed and someone gets speared.
Forests are now capable of teamwork.
Mikko brought us takeaway Indian food (he knows he’d have to resort to mild* violence to get me to a restaurant and my whinging would put him off his food). He came home sooner than I anticipated and caught me in the shower, where I was washing my hair (with a hair like mine that job takes ages). I thought I was alone, so I was singing in the bathtub and sounded like someone molesting an asthmatic camel. He’s only alive because he didn’t laugh.
(If the camel sounds too exotic to a Finn, you may substitute it with “kuin paikallinen perverssi sekaantuisi sikaan.” Meniks nyt tarpeeks landelle, hä?)
*Our neighbours would probably just laugh if they saw him carrying** me into his car trussed up like a turkey (but without the plucking). Then again he might get pulled over if people saw him driving around with a bound, gagged and struggling woman in his car, and restaurants won't accept customers who pitch a hissy fit and try to bring down the door frames when forced inside the restaurant***
**Being pushed in a wheelbarrow. I didn't marry Mikko for his money nor his muscles.
**I believe they're quite used to it from the pissants and tosspots forced to exit at closing time, though.
18.08.2021 (14:16) There are many advantages to living in Finland. One day I'll find out at least one of them.
"Malum quidem nullum esse sine aliquo bono," said Pliny the Elder. I think it ought to be corrected: Malum quidem nullum esse sine aliquo malo.
Ouch.
(That one was in a Swarovski figurine group. I think the person was referring to an angel, but you never know)
A selection of spices is essential for any merger. Just sprinkle your company and employees with black pepper or thyme.
Muiden naamoista on leikattu osia pois.
I may have mentioned the Holy Church of Shut-the-Fuck-Up and its more radical wing Seventh Day Shutthefuckup'ism. I need to clarify that we don't follow the simple rule of "Don't try to convert me and I won't convert you": the capital rule is actually "Try to convert me and I'll chop off your head, craft it into a soup tureen and sell it to the highest bidder."
21st Wedding anniversary, breakfast in bed and a husband with access to my wish list and the skills to use eBay makes for a very good anniversary, despite abominable weather. No, he's not taking me to a restaurant: I'd put up a struggle if he tried, actually. I do like good food, I just don't like the other people nor the public places involved. But my presents? Eeeee!
Swan large 2016-2021. Size is 12,8 x 11,9 x 7,2 cm, so it's a relatively big and heavy object.
Ladybug on flower 2006-2009
Christmas Memories Holly ornament 1996-2002
Received several other Swarovski figurines in the mail yesterday, they're already on my collection page. And a parcel of books and DVD's also arrived (the library DB will be updated ASAP).
17.08.2021 (02:53) The surgery has been relocated to the sixteenth floor (the surgeon isn't as high as a kite)
Things are just getting passionate and then the titbrained pissant throws you off the bed.
He's a brilliant doctor, but prior to his relocation to a skyscraper his peculiar way of only examining his patients at the top of a crane caused severe problems.
Fall off the boat and you'll come to a sticky end.
We have a plague of Himalayan balsam in the forest garden. The river had carried in seeds which we didn't notice before the darn plants had taken over one of the riverbanks, and so we spent a very uncomfortable hour-and-a-half pulling those blasted weeds carefully while being eaten alive by mosquitoes. My additional suffering was caused by huge spiders (arachnophobia, yep). Weeding those damn plants completely will probably take years, considering they were already spreading seeds. Attractive flower, but disgustingly difficult to get rid of. I'll get rid of them though, no matter how much it takes: aut viam inveniam aut faciam.
15.08.2021 (01:44) Gross misuse of condiments
That situation might be highly unsettling for that particular boarder.
People who dislike hellebore plants think they're one hell of a bore.
Tällä ruohonleikkurilla saavat ajaa vain vainajat.
A friend of mine mentioned she has a new hobby and told us she's thrown herself into it with relish. I wanted to ask her if the relish was home-made or store-bought, and how much relish did she take with her: a few spoonfuls, a jar, a big bucket? Of course I recognised the expression, but my approach to any and all languages is unhealthy - to say the least! It's not just about a foreign language and a non-native with a less than stellar vocabulary (though I freely admit that mine is lacking and I could also use a few more lessons in grammar and linguistics). I just tend to approach all languages with the attitude of a weasel nearing a flock of geese. The fact that I'm about as benign as a constipated crocodile during dry season doesn't help at all.
13.08.2021 (23:17) Belligerent use of balconies
Your neck is highly insulting. Please wear a high collar.
Apparently there's a road straight through the castle walls. Good to know.
(The characters were riding, in case you didn't catch that one. I hate explaining, it spoils the fun.)
We managed to watch the Perseids last night, though only for a while. I saw four shooting stars while Mikko saw six. I also declared him a marvellous backrest: he leant against the balcony railing and I leant against him, thus using him as both a back warmer and a semi-vertical mattress. A few remarks:
-I was kidding when I told him I’d shove him down from the balcony for spotting more meteors than I did. I’m not quite that competitive. Besides, I’d have lost my marvellous back warmer.
-Though his chest only gets four stars out of five, because the service didn't included chocolate. I was told to go get my own. Bah!
-I caught him when he mixed up Hale-Bopp and Swift-Tuttle and said “Hale-Tuttle”. It’s an extremely rare treat to get to correct him, so I might have gloated a bit. Oh fine, I gloated almost intolerably. Let’s call it payback for those two extra shooting stars he got. Not competitive. Not!
-Both balconies have their uses. Both work for watching constellations, but the southeast balcony is better for watching the Perseids and the fireworks, while the northwest balcony is better for northern lights, tea-drinking and bird-watching. Southeast balcony is better for tomatoes, runner beans and strawberries, while I keep some orchids on the northwest balcony. The southeast balcony has a view towards the road (though it isn’t too close) and there are more houses on that side, so it’s a better balcony if you fancy a game of spot-an-idiot, errr, spot-a-human, while the northwest balcony is good for... Ummm, useful for shouting obscenities at Mikko when he goes to add wood into the fire in the sauna?
12.08.2021 (18:17) Ladies and gentlemen, we have a winner!
Behold, I have won the weekly "worst bad joke"-contest by calling Mikko "Vlad the Impaler of Onions", and noting that the Spanish cousin of Vlad Tepes is Vlad Tapas.
I'd call myself the winner but I'm just too ashamed of myself for that one.
12.08.2021 (01:59) Don't say "shrubbery" in front of anyone from England, they're all depraved
It's very important to make sure your friend hasn't made a ritual and turned into a shrubbery. (And I'll just bet all the Brits will crack a lewd joke or three out of that. It may or may not have been my intention).
You're expecting guests and you end up having a long and arduous journey to locate some.
Sivustustaulussa opetetaan mm. sivujen kääntämisen alkeet ja edistyneemmät niksit. Älä nuolaise sormiasi!
I might be nominated as one of the most boring people on this planet for refusing to participate in things my compatriots and co-conspirators would call “fun”. Their ideas of fun seem to consist of getting drunk and sounding like a bunch of idiots (I’ve noticed I don’t need alcohol to sound like an idiot, which probably isn’t a compliment), playing some silly game badly and losing to an unworthy opponent, or hitting amusement parks, which mainly consists of crowding inside a gaudily painted bathtub (sans water and avec five or six other idiots) which is then either dropped from a great heighth or rolled down a steep slope while the participants shriek loudly and make faces while others stand in que waiting for their turn. For additional delight they get splashed with some dirty water on their way down.
And, of course, there are the additional forms of entertainment, like going to sit on uncomfortable and unsanitary seats and watch a movie from “the big screen” with aching neck muscles (and ears, because the sounds are just too loud) while a couple of spotty teenagers shag three rows behind you, several people feel the need to comment on the movie and half a dozen scroll stuff on their phones, or getting various rashes and an embarrassing disease from a water park or a public bath.
Things I prefer to do aren’t usually called “fun”. I read almost constantly and write just a bit. I design things (and almost never actually get paid for it) and work with one of my partners to create those designs (I prefer to work with one partner at a time, I don’t work well in groups). I buy stuff online (and gleefully open the parcels when they arrive). I go for walks either on my own (I see more animals that way, because my sneakers have rubber soles and animals don’t hear my approach), or with Mikko: when we’re together, he points me constellations and planets in the sky and talks about things such as astronomy. We talk about a whole range of subjects, from books we’ve read and snippets of information we’ve gathered to our plans for the house and our future, we talk about myths and legends, music, philosophy, the environment, we cook up wild ideas with no intention of ever actually doing those things. We crack jokes and make bad puns, bounce ideas or simply walk in silence (because we’re Finns, and silence is just something we’re just born with). We sit in the sauna an hour or more every Saturday, we do gardening, take care of our birds, we renovate the house, taste new things… About twenty years ago my friends told me my lifestyle sounds something more befitting a pensioner, but it’s always worked for me. It’s the kind of life I dreamt of when I was a teenager. Relatives warned me I’d one day regret never travelling more or never having kids, but those regrets never came.
Keeping a pause from walking until my feet heal. I tried the method called “use old shoes and plasters” but when I came home, I had to toss my shoes because they looked like an amateur had butchered a pig. Wanted to watch the Perseid meteor shower, but once again we've been blessed with an abundance of clouds and with my luck it'll rain heavily: a bloody ocean taking a vertical holiday over my house.
This is one of my spare time projects right now. The scale in the picture is actually 1:12: that's a dollhouse. My dollhouse room is one of the smallest rooms in our house: it has no windows and all the walls are internal walls. We built small dollhouse rooms inside the wall structure itself. The light fixtures in the room will be built inside those dollhouses, so the only light in the room will come from inside the walls magnified with pieces of polished metal hidden above the small bulbs, the type you'd usually see inside a fridge or an oven). The dollhouse rooms are relatively wide and high, but only about 10 cm deep, with a few exceptions. The walls will have miniature gardens, a large library, bedrooms, a toy store, drawing rooms, a bakery, a sweet shop... in this case we have a flower shop. I've collected miniatures for years, and this'll be a very interesting way of displaying my collection. I'm working on the floors right now, using small strips of acacia and eucalyptus. This floor was stained with dark brown colour, but I'll be using various colours as well as striped designs and unstained wood. I'll probably disturb everyone with pictures as I make progress, though it'll be a while since we'll have to bring in our semi-retired electrician to do the final connections to the wiring.
09.08.2021 (16:05) I also might call you an arsehole, but only with the best of intentions
People keep telling me I'm boring, so I told my newest joke to a train. It derailed instantly.
Sure I called you an idiot, but I meant well.
They keep encouraging critical thinking at work, but somehow I doubt they mean calling your boss a puddle of diluted weasel's urine, your co-workers a bunch of inbred twats and the janitor a dungheap.
Mail today. Friday's mail included several books by authors Niall Ferguson, Nassim Nicholas Taleb, Michael Gazzaniga and Jared Diamond. "Light reading". By the way, if you like Daim, I highly recommend Dolfin's 'Caramel & Chocolat'. This version has almond crunch on top, it's like a luxury version of Daim and each piece leaves me a happy puddle on the floor, where my co-citizens will trip over me and break their necks. I did remember to order hazelnut & chocolate balls and might share if given enough incentive (already promised my brother one, but he'll have to hurry). The liquorice belongs to Mikko. I detest liquorice, and I especially loathe salmiak liquorice. The very existence of salmiak liquorice is a crime against humanity.
08.08.2021 (22:44) Shove that firewall in your pants and right up your...
Stuffed down your pants?
A case of "some girls just like those navy uniforms"?
Kanan lehmänä vai kanan jonakin muuna? (käytän itse sanaa kananhävytön, mutta se on kotoa opittua. Ainoa hyödyllinen äidiltä opittu asia)
Walking is great, I love taking a walk. The daily [oh all right, nightly!] walk is just a part of my routine, the same as spending over an hour lounging in the sauna every Saturday, no matter how busy I am. Two kilometers per night is easy and quick and I can do four or five easily without tiring, so no problem there. But walking two kilometers (1 klick is about 0,62 miles) in brand-spanking-new sneakers is just plain idiocy. Especially since you refuse to turn back and by the time you realize your sneaker is suspiciously wet in addition to the pain, you still refuse to turn back, a strategy straight from the book of Mrs I.D. Iot*. And then you get back home and your husband notices that your previously white sneaker is now red from the back, because it didn't just chafe enough to cause a blister, oh no: you have a total of five blisters and one blister that was torn off and then bled copiously and continuously. This was on Friday, by the way, and we saw a shooting star, so I count it as a “win”. Ah, these halcyon nights of balmy winds, the lovely scent of caraway harvest in the air, shooting stars, bleeding feet and complete lack of common sense.
Now usually getting me anywhere public is a struggle. In 20 years Mikko has developed it to a form of art in bribery**, starting with chocolate and cakes and going to Swarovski crystal figurines by way of new books. Without bribery we’d be facing a hopeless struggle requiring two or three people to get me in a car and keep me from escaping back indoors (through the back door if possible, through a window if necessary). On Saturday there were two(!) events I'd promised to attend: a glass & antiques fair in Riihimäki, and a farmer’s market in Oitti. We came back with four plastic bags full of books, though no Swarovski: my chocolates should arrive tomorrow by mail. The selection of books is wide in range, as per usual: from history to humour, SciFi to sciences and biology and philosophy to behavioural psychology.
*Guess who.
**Don't pity him, he's had over twenty years to learn not to make any really expensive mistakes like "you can buy anything you want, just get in the car". He not only volunteered to date and eventually marry a hermit, he was actually quite adamant that he wanted this relationship***.
***no, you're not allowed to question his sanity. That's my prerogative.
05.08.2021 (11:40) Remember to shave your offspring
Your kid is so hairy you must've copulated with an ape.
We all know ten decilitres equals one liter, but how many puppies fit in a liter? Won't they struggle to get out of the bowl?
I don’t believe in horoscopes. When I meet new people they often remark that I’m a Pisces and make presumptions, which are proven false when I verbally eviscerate them, hit them on the head with a shovel and busy their rotting carcass in a compost heap. Oh yes, tranquil waters, the peaceful fish, and some bastard is fishing with dynamite again.
I did imagine a fish that might represent me: an unholy mating between a barracuda and a shark, perhaps. Unless my husband is involved, because even after over 20 years of marriage I still grope him like an octopus.
Want to see a nice land version of the barracuda feeding frenzy? Serve chocolate and watch me have at it.
04.08.2021 (12:23) The endless parade of mostly useless arseholes
Mooooo!
A long and arduous undertaking involving transfers to multiple prisons.
Was talking with a few friends about racism and the whole "Finland First" -movement, and remarked that racism and homophobia are such bullshite. You can take a homosexual person, a black person, a white cis, a transsexual, an asian... actually, take any person from any country in the world, and after you scrub off all the layers of priviledge, culture, education etc and get to the level of soul and personality, all you're left with is a bunch of mostly useless arseholes. One of my friends told me she’d expected the last line of my comment to be something much more lofty and noble, and I told her she apparently doesn’t know my proclivities well enough. I hate people so much I don’t discriminate based on their colour and ethnicity, and as far as orientation goes, I don’t care how you’re oriented as long as you orient yourself away from me and keep moving at a rapid pace due west (actually, any direction will do, just don’t stop)
(I’m not always that unfriendly, really, but I have very little patience when humans and stupidity are involved.)
Baking bread today. There's no sense in cooking, because fresh bread rolls are just too delicious. I mix caraway seeds into the dough. I adore caraway. Might also do some with rosemary, because I adore the taste and scent of rosemary even more.
01.08.2021 (15:14) S(h)ocking revelations
And won't the chicken be just thrilled?
The first sock is always the worst. By the sixth sock you'll barely flinch.
I felt cheerful today, almost the kind of day when most people would hum a little or perhaps sing a little song. I was kind enough to skip that, and believe me, every time I avoid singing is an act of pure kindness. I tried to take singing lessons as a hobby for a couple of years but gave it up because my voice is just indescribably terrible. For a vague description... imagine a cold day, with temperature well below freezing point. Imagine a farmer and his donkey. The donkey has a severe case of bronchitis. The old-fashioned farmer has a very large metal syringe. Now imagine that farmer giving his donkey an unexpected and definitely unwanted enema with that cold metal syringe: the sound caused by that event would probably closely resemble my warbling. Or, if you want a shorter description, imagine a vulture trying to swallow an angry tomcat. If I went to my balcony and sang a little song to all the little songbirds out there, every single bird would instantly migrate, and the village rumour would suggest I’d been trying to castrate a moose without any pain medication.
(Oh do shut up, will you? I happen to like similes and metaphors, and the regular ones are so boring simply I tend to invent my own. Creative use of language(s) is a form of amusement, and while I'm sure it sounds awfully dull to most others, languages can keep me endlessly entertained. And when I'm not busy writing or reading, I get up to all kinds of mischief, like designing interiors, clothes or jewellery, or obsessive online shopping)
30.07.2021 (21:14) Do not give your hairdresser any shearing equipment
Introducing the new and amazing detachable penis, now with complimentary delivery service. It'll reach your destination long before you do.
A hairdresser looked at me like this once, full of determination and dark purpose. I ended up bald.
A friend suggested changing the Deadwood drinking game to be based on the word "fuck", including all variants. As your token teetotaller I would declare that one of the worst ideas in this century: every participant would be hammered before the end of the first episode and by episode three at least one person would be getting their stomach pumped at the local hospital and another would be enjoying the company of law enforcement for being drunk and disorderly.
Raspberry harvest was miserable this year and we only got two litres of wild raspberries, but our cherry trees made up for it and there's now plenty of cherry jam. It's something I've done for a few years now: strawberry-, raspberry-, apple-, rhubarb-, cherry- and plum jam. I'm a clumsy idiot and manage to burn my hands at least five times every summer, but Mikko loves jam. And making jam saves me from making way too many cakes and pies (though I always preserve some of the harvest frozen to be used in baking).
Jalka kestää jälleen: iltakävelyillä sivuharrastuksena tähtitaivaan katselua, koska Mikko innostui Ursan tähtitaivas-sovelluksesta viime talvena. Lähipäivinä ovat kyllä havainnointiyritykset menneet pieleen koska "tähdet ovat taas aivan pilvessä" ynnä muita hekoti-hee-tason puujalkavitsejä.
28.07.2021 (3:02) The difficulties of removing a camel from custard
Remember to remove any scorpions, snakes and ants carefully. Sift the sands and grind up any and all larger rocks and boulders. Bake until golden brown and serve hot with dry white wine.
We lost two camels in whipped cream and a group of bedouins tried to rob us as we passed the custard.
There's no end to all these desert vs. dessert-gaffes.
Will a whine or a simple squeak do?
They don't make benches like they used to.
Sfeeferi, saksanpaimenkoiran vähemmän koulutettu sukulainen.
There ought to be a game called "cocksucker-bingo" for episodes of Deadwood.
Instructions: write down the names of the main characters on pieces of paper. The names are then drawn among the participants, max. two characters/participant. You receive one point for every "cocksucker" uttered by one of your characters, and with five points you get a bar of chocolate. If more chocolate is required, you can play an easier version; every time someone says "cocksucker" you eat a piece of chocolate. Can be played with other foul words as well. Works best for marathons. Can be done as a drinking game with shots, but one should not expect the participants to understand the dialogue after two episodes' worth shots.
And extra points every time for someone does a Shakespearean monologue or soliloquy. Double if they "do a Hamlet".
I'm keeping Mikko company, you see. It's a good series, but violence isn't really my thing (unless it's me strangling someone who gets on my nerves, in which case violence is very much my thing).
Still enjoying the warm summer months, though the worst heat waves are unpleasant. Considering that usually summer in Finland is a one-day annual event, perhaps I'll try to cut down on my whinging. Especially considering my friends, some of whom are suffering enjoying temperatures we generally call 'sauna' and then go for a swim in a frozen lake or roll in snow*.
*My parents hosted one event where a guest rolled in snow after sauna and accidentally** rolled over a place where the ashes from the stove had been emptied. He emerged from the snow bank covered in ash and soot.
**Very, very drunk. It amounts to the same thing if you're a Finn.
26.07.2021 (13:06) Kicking a rooster during a soccer match means an automatic penalty
The most important task for a referee is to call off any chicken that might wander on the playing field, but when a game goes wrong, not even a turkey on the field can make it any worse.
Stop drooling and answer the bloody question.
Some people just can’t admit they’ve made a mistake...
...and then they get all surly and cross.
FYI: makroni on kielitieteessä pituusmerkki. Kyllä, tunnistin sanan ihan itse, koska joku luki myös muutaman kurssin verran kielitiedettä. Meni ruokahalu (kuka muka oikeasti edes pitäisi makaronilaatikosta? Hyi.)
I was talking with Mikko about languages and the reasons why I'm using multiple languages instead of just Finnish. I'm perfectly aware that I'm basically causing myself a linguistic handicap/disadvantage by using a language/languages I rarely use in my daily life, though I've studied English at university and use it to communicate with various friends in the USA, the UK, Australia and Canada.
A native speaker is instinctually aware of the main rules governing their language: they know how many of those rules they can break while the text still remains legible and the message easily understood. They know which rules they can intentionally break to cause amusement instead of offence, how to use modifiers and break the conventional structures without impeding the message. Their vocabulary is much larger and a native speaker has access to a vast amount of culturally significant knowledge such as literary allusions, proverbs and political or cultural conventions, things that can only be learned by deep immersion into a culture.
My brain is wired to a Finnish equivalent: I instinctually reference Finnish (and occasionally Swedish) proverbs and sayings and allude to things that have no equivalent in most other cultures. I like playing with the Finnish liberal word order and various connotations, and I shy away from trying the same in English (Yoda from Star Wars is a lot less funny when translated in Finnish, trust me!). My English vocabulary suffers from unfortunate limitations compared to what I can do with a Finnish vocabulary.
But then again, using only Finnish feels limiting as well. There are so many things I can express in English. I think differently when I think in English or Swedish. It's the same with German and French, though I read both languages a lot better than actually write them (forming new sentences can be pure hell when you're uncertain). I wouldn't be able to use Finnish to talk with some of my friends (whom I've known since 1999-2001, and not a day goes by that I don't miss many of them). And I hate it when you've always used programs or sites in English and suddenly they're changed to Finnish just because you live in Finland (AAAAAARGH, Paypal, what were you thinking?! The same goes to many Microsoft programs, including certain installation and setup files, because aaaaaargh!)
Using only one language is like being on a diet: it causes a limitation which I dislike immensely. There are times when I tire of using one or the other, and I like being able to switch languages when need be. Not to mention there's nothing like calling someone a Hundsfott (or hundsvott in Swedish) and watching them either flounder or think you're just using a mild offence while I've literally called them a dog's cunt).
23.07.2021 (17:11) Unhealthy attitude towards health and medicine
The worst seizure isn't one that causes your death but one that ends your entire existence. Even your atoms will be eradicated.
Can a person be in a coma many times over? A coma thrice as deep?
It'll take quite an anecdote to wake someone up. It'll need to be a lewd one at the very least.
Tough treatment when all your usual methods of healing fail: hit your patient against the pavement repeatedly.
Limp faster, damn you!
Testing a new way to watermark. These are two newest additions to my Swarovski figurine collection, FYI: Acadia large and Abala rose medium, both 2000-2004.
Kukkotaulu on osoittautunut yllättävän suosituksi vaihdettuaan omistajaa (ottaen huomioon että sen kuvauksen kirjoittamiseen ei oikeasti mennyt kuin muutama minuutti ja koko homma johtui taas kroonisesta halusta vältellä siivoamista). Sain eilen viestin jonka mukaan Savolainen osakunta kaappasi taulun omistajilta, ja pienellä haulla kaverini Maija löysikin kukkotaulun matkan instagram-tilin. Nyt kukkotaulu näköjään seilaa ympäriinsä seurassaan joukko epäilemättä julmetussa jurrissa seikkailevia savolaisia (jotka ovat kansana jo muutenkin epäilyttävää väkeä). Vihjaisin Hämäläisosakunnan kontaktilleni että savolaisilla saattaa olla vakooja ja myyrä heidän riveissään: neuvoin aloittamaan heti kuulustelut, joissa kaikki epäillyt (and then some) sidotaan tuoliriviin pihamaalle ja kuulustelua ryyditetään kidutuksella. Ensin toki alkaen pehmeämmästä kidutuskeinosta: kuulustelijat kiskovat kitusiinsa kiljua, Kabanossia ja kessua kunnes kuulusteltavat kerjäävät armoa ja joku laulaa syyllisen julki.
Niin, ei mulla sinänsä ole mitään erityisesti savolaisia vastaan. Tai hämäläisiäkään. Tokihan mä inhoan savolaisia suunnattomasti, mutta samalla tavalla halveksin hämäläisiä, vihaan varsinaissuomalaisia ja kannan kaunaa karjalaisille. Ei minulla ole edes aikaa olla edes rasisti tai homofoobikko, koska vihaan kaikkia ihan samalla tavalla riippumatta ihonväristä, sukupuolesta tai suuntautumisesta (suuntautuminen muuten mielellään toiseen suuntaan ja mahdollisimman suurella nopeudella, kiitos).
Kysymys: tuleeko henkilön henkisestä hyvinvoinnista huolestua, mikäli hän ryhtyy spontaanisti allitteroimaan? Nimim. 'Just asking for a friend'.
21.07.2021 (12:04) Those shitty mornings when everyone is up to their ears in breakfast
I knew the day would be terrible the moment I burned my feet by stepping in bacon and eggs. Hank had it worse: he drowned in a vat of coffee.
Drunks do tend to be loud. Twice as much if they're singeing something. And if it's a person (or an animal) getting singed, remember to add the sounds of police cars and the fire brigade arriving and a fight breaking out.
The guy wishes his muscles were as hard as a rock, but no, the only hard and solid thing is his skull.
Buzz off.
Laita neitokakadu (engl. 'cockatiel') lasiin. Kaada jaloviinaa päälle. Ota tuleva ote pyrstöstä ja pyöräytä kerran.
Lyhyt ruotsin oppitunti: Kaksi leivosta istui katon harjalla. Och samma på svenska: Två bakelser satt på takets borsten.
When I wake up I've always the worst attitude in the world. I lurk under my blankets like the nastiest shark scouting a sunny beach (haven't bitten Mikko yet, but have dragged him under and used him as a pillow more than once, so that counts). Then it's 'Good morning, give me that cup of tea, thank you, and now goest fuck thyself'(*). After 30 minutes of tea, reading and silence I'm ready for another day of bitter cynicism and sarcasm.
Managed to do a bit of design work. First foray into large-scale design with glass and steel structures and I'll need to work with someone who can calculate the supporting structures (legal things, you know), but looks good... on paper, anyway. Looks phenomenal and there's a good chance it'll collapse and kill someone in a few years if the load-bearing structure isn't good enough, but that's hardly relevant, is it?
(*) I am, unfortunately, unable to pronounce "please excuse yourself from my presence and go auto-copulate in the lavatory" so early)
19.07.2021 (15:24) The collected joys of being a spoilsport
...Thanks, but I'd rather stand...
I hope that you don't.
(If the character had been male, I'd have added that the only way he can make a woman wet is by pushing her into the nearest stream.)
Grammatically this is fine, but either a) the 1st person narrator has tiny tits, because I think even an A-cup would have that man choking to death, or b) the chap has an abnormally large mouth (think 'bullfrog') and the ability to suck like a vacuum cleaner. Possibly both, unless c) the next sentence ought to have been a request to call the police, because the narrator is now in bed with a corpse (and probably has tooth marks on her tit) because the bloke choked on her boob. These things just make me think my sex life for has been ridiculously dull for 41 years, with zero corpses left behind.
Anyway. They're tits and you ain't supposed to swallow them, you brainless twat.
And a bonus from to my own text before I corrected it, because I'm definitely not above making similar mistakes:
Three cheers for the new and improved version of zombies. Brain is no longer a primary requirement.
She choked on the feathers and died. The bird didn't make it either.
Nyt saattaisi olla hyvä aika soittaa hätäpuhelu sekä poliisille että lastensuojeluviranomaisille.
Mikko wanted to buy a new wheelbarrow. Not just any wheelbarrow, mind you: a construction quality one with several wheels and an extra large space able to carry extra heavy loads. I waited calmly as he listed the advantages and joys of owning one. "I'm sure it's a fine piece of equipment," I told him, "and of course you're free to purchase one. Of course we'll also need to purchase a gym card for you, so that you can develop the muscles needed to push one around." After a moment of thoughtful silence he conceded to my point. We'll buy a normal, simple wheelbarrow.
Mikko told me that being funny is a defence mechanism. Perhaps, but it's a really good method. People let you close because a funny person can't be scary, right? Then you can hit them with a shovel and bury them in a shallow grave. I told him as much, but apparently the fact that he's known me since 1997 has rendered him immune to the bone-cutting terror I create in any sane people. That, or he's lost the last dregs of his sanity somewhere along the way.
15.07.2021 (12:51) One return ticket to Idiotland, please.
This means only 45 degree angles, 90 degree angles and 180 degree angles. The rest is unholy trigonometry. There's no space for those others in the heavenly choir of angles.
A miracle without a nice scent is a bit lame. The best miracles need to be perfumed.
I've seen some frightening faces myself. The scariest people don't need any facial scarring: you can just see the madness in their eyes. Actually, I only have to look in the mirror when a new parcel arrives in the mail. That's madness right there!
Seuraavat kaksi olivat ihan ikiomia virheitäni, jotka bongasin :
(Kaikissa) sanomalehdissä ei ehkä tekaista uutisia tyhjästä, mutta ne leivitetään ja paistetaan asiakkaille houkuttelevampaan muotoon.
Poloinen Anders Ramsay. Värikkäitä naisia tosiaan! (Ramsayn muistelmissa 'Från barnaår till silfverhår' muuten mainitaan eräskin aatelisnainen joka jahtasi palvelustyttöä pitkin käytävää veitsi kädessä. Oli houkuttelevaa laskea se väkivaltapääomaksi, mutta en usko että palvelijoiden pelotteleminen henkihieveriin oman julkisen maineensa kustannuksella olisi lopultakaan ollut hyödyksi).
I was exceptionally stupid yesterday. Mikko went to get a new computer from Helsinki, and he meant to do some shopping on his way home. He phoned me when he arrived in Helsinki, and I put the phone on a desk in the hallway and decided to water the plants on the southeast balcony. I went in there and completely forgot that Mikko has a nasty tendency to lock all the doors as he leaves even if I'm home, which is NOT what we've agreed on (he's just utterly paranoid! Nobody in their right mind would dare to attack and try to rob me, because they'd simply end up dead). The balcony was blisteringly hot and burned the bottoms of my feet and I was thirsty, so I quickly watered everything and tried to go back indoors... and the effing door was locked. It's been ages since the last time that door locked itself and I had no idea he'd gone and changed the lock since it's a second-floor balcony and I was home, and I hadn't even pushed the door tightly behind me. So there I was, in the roasting sun, the temperature was over +31°C in the shade (87.8 in Fahrenheit), so you can guess how hot it was in the direct sunlight on a high balcony that had been soaking up the heat and sun since early morning. At this point I might also announce that I hadn't drank in an hour, and that there was no way down, nothing I could use to break the glass on the door, and no cell phone to call Mikko and tell him to hurry home.
Tried sitting with my back to the railing in as much shade as possible for 45 minutes while I calculated how long it'd take for Mikko to pick up the laptop, walk to his car, drive through the traffic to reach the motorways, then an hour drive to Riihimäki, where he'd go shopping... the calculations told me it'd be at least two, perhaps three more hours in addition to the time I'd already sat up there. At last I gave up and managed to call for help, and our lovely neighbour happened to be home. She tossed me a bottle of soda into the balcony, called Mikko, and then worked tirelessly in the blistering heat to get a ladder and helped me down from there. Going down a ladder wasn't easy with the sore leg, but I got down in one piece, and she gave me shelter in her home until Mikko got back.
And yes, a spare key outside would be a good idea. I had placed one there and though there was no way to get down from the balcony to actually reach it, I could have told my neighbour where she could find it so she could have gone in and opened the balcony door from inside. Unfortunately the spare key was removed by my oh-so-clever husband, who said it was a bad hiding place. I told him to put it back or choose another place, but it's been nine years and it turned out he was confused about the whole thing: he had indeed placed a spare key somewhere, but he simply doesn't remember where he hid it, because it certainly wasn't in the place which we'd chosen. I presumed he'd simply refused to put it back so I guess that's a step towards co-operation from his side, but what good is a spare key if nobody can find it?
When Mikko got back home I was feeling utterly miserable. Was severely ill about ten minutes after he got back home, and I'm bloody grateful I was inside my own walls. Severe headache, felt dizzy and disoriented and had to take three cold showers to get my body heat down. Slept like a log even after napping all evening, and didn't wake up around 3 am like I've done lately. Mikko went to do some of the shopping and picked a thank-you-basket for our neighbour, and I managed to deliver it myself without fainting, though Mikko had to pull me out of bed.
So that's my less-than-impressive accomplishment for this week. I had a few words with Mikko about things such as spare keys and locking his wife indoors, because no matter what he thinks, I might have been a naive 19-y.o when we married but I'm a woman of 41 now and enough nasty bones in my body to disembowel anyone who'd attack our house in his absence. We're good now though, and perhaps he too has learned something. I most certainly did.
At least I have a reason to feel slightly smug today: one DB stopped working and it took me 1,5 minutes to find out what was wrong. The correction took two minutes including the upload time. The error was in his settings, not in my input, just so you know.
13.07.2021 (09:54) Welcome to Whateverlandia, but beware of feral humans
Oink oink?
Some might dream of being the heir to the throne of Whateverlandia, but others have much smaller ambitions.
Feral humans are rare and feral mothers even more so. Nevertheless, a feral mom can be useful when rescuing kittens. Use your left hand to scoop up the kittens one by one while using your right hand and both your feet to restrain your mother and keep her from biting you or the cats. Avoid this hobby if your mom is allergic to cats, though.
Change your first name to Wonder and you'll never have another seizure.
Tytöillä on yleisväri.
Had showered this morning and was about to re-bandage my leg when the geothermal heating system turned on behind me. Though it's too hot for it to heat up the rooms, it also heats up water on occasion. I wasn't expecting the sound and jumped, landing my full weight on the blasted left leg, still unwrapped and unsupported. I may or may not have squawked. At times I feel like I live with all the dignity and grace of a one-legged mallard approaching the nearest muddy puddle in a parking lot.
Pie. A simple crust (butter, flour, salt and water), topped with 'whatever you happen to have' (in this case smoked ham, fried onions and portobello mushrooms, blue cheese, a couple of eggs and sour cream, black and white pepper and salt, and a thick crust of pizza cheese). Sometimes simple is better. I'll call it "leftovers-pie".
Monday's incoming mail photographed. A few old humour magazines (our collection has various Finnish humour mags from 1919 to 1974), a SciFi novel and the rest is... history. Literally. Atrociously bad pun intended.
11.07.2021 (07:49) Addendum(b)
Find your own loo. Don't come anywhere near my sofa. (Apparently 'looing' is a game term, but that's not where my mind went first)
Should have remembered to include 'do not carry heavy buckets of water' in the list of 'things not to do when resting a leg'. The muscle let out a crunching sound and now it's even more painful. Now I've a bandage and an ice pack on my left leg. And Mr Idiotica MacIdiot has just been employed by Idiotic Innovations Inc and has immediately won the Dumbest Employee of the Year-award.
10.07.2021 (06:08) The less-than-wonderful world of potato peelers
Most of us either lose our hair or it turns gray. I'm not sure if this is an improvement or not.
Sounds very uncomfortable, and I'm pretty sure your eyes aren't supposed to make any noise. Then again the original expression has always sounded really gory to me. "Keep your eyes peeled" sounds like someone got violent and grossly misused a potato peeler. (I hate gory films, FYI. I like horror, but the neater, less violent kind, and would choose a book over a film any day. And I prefer SciFi, anyway*.)
Remember to respect a grate. They're often made to cast iron and those things can hurt.
When the ten commandments were used against the metal industry.
I didn't take a screenshot of this one because the piece was just too long and it wouldn't have made sense in any shortened form, but the author had written about a Swiss army knife used as a walking staff, as opposed to using the Swiss army knife to craft a walking staff in difficult terrain. I've seen some really fancy Swiss army knives, but one equipped with a walking staff would take the cake.
Koirien suojelukoulutuksen uudet, modernit tuulet.
Pulled a muscle on my leg. And then, because I'm an idiot, I went for a walk. Just two kilometres, no biggie, but it got worse. And instead of doing the smart thing like resting it for a couple of days, I rested for a day and did it again the next night, because apparently I'm not just an idiot, I'm an utter idiot**. At around 1,5 kilometres there was a feeling of something tearing, and after limping for about 30 metres I had to phone Mikko to come pick me up. At 4 AM. I think Mikko should have been annoyed - heck, he'd have been entitled to status called 'really pissed off' - but I didn't get one single cross word or foul look. So, now I'm in bed rest until the leg heals. Next time I might consider being less of a stubborn moron.
We've also encountered a plague of horse-flies. While I have no food allergies, I'm allergic to penicillin, medicinal tape and horse-fly stings. Antihistamines seem to work for the last one, but they make me drowsy, so I've been sleeping between 12 to 15 hours per day. I'm now a sore, irascible zombie. You've been warned.
And as if that wasn't irritating enough, I had to interact with a woman with one of those perky personalities and a tendency to use her grammar and vocabulary in a way that makes me suspect she was sired in an unholy and filthy orgy between Yoda, Gollum and at least one of J.K. Rowling's house-elves (No, don't imagine it. Trust me***).
*Except in some cases where it's just ridiculous: "Captain, the enemy is attacking us using their fleet of flying tables! We've deployed our defence of three-legged stools!"
**More idiotic than Mr Idiotica MacIdiot, who lives in the asylum for complete idiots on the bonnie isle of McIdiot in the United Kingdom of Idiots.
***Because you don't want to imagine someone going "Yessss, dildosies we have, prrrrecciouss, and now punishment will there be with a hot poker up your arse while whack your face with a book you will, my precious..."
07.07.2021 (16:04) Up the creek with no paddles
When you're quietly walking into a bedroom and then there's an unexpected flood and you end up having to use a canoe.
Useful when a hardened criminal gets wounded, though not much good for anything else.
Don't bother with a wedding. Better go face something else.
Sharing the entire first floor with only one colleague sounded really promising when you applied for the job, but turned out the university is just really badly funded and the building is no bigger than an average garage.
Antiikki on vanhaa, mutta pudottamalla yhden vokaalin voi sisällyttää vuodenkin vanhan esineen kategoriaan "antikki". Mutta mikä hemmetti on 'krunu'?
Bought ten kilos of strawberries yesterday. Now there's tons of frozen strawberries for my infamous cinnamon, strawberry & orange-sauce, as well as piles of strawberry jam and rhubarb jam jars. Next stops are raspberry jam and apple jam. Did I mention I love making jam?
People ask me why I'm awake at strange hours. It's not just about avoiding people: it's about animals. I simply see so much more at night. In the last month or so I've seen bats, brown hares (including a group of three juveniles who happily ignored me), a fox (twice), a family of geese, a family of goldeneyes, swans, a common cuckoo, a badger, falcon (F.subbuteo, I think) trying to catch a small bird, and a deer twice. The deer was only about 10 meters away before it spotted me and fled, I could hear her hooves and everything. And while one might spot those animals in broad daylight, one can get really close at night, especially when wearing light sneakers and non-rustling clothes.
I might have possibily ordered more books, maybe.
06.07.2021 (13:07) The time when Luxor was lost
That point in an already pointless conversation when everything just goes down the drain.
How would anyone lose Luxor? A shiteload of people live there. No, wait. They're referring to the instance when a local fish merchant parked his fish cart ["smoked vendaces and almost fresh herring for sale, we take all currencies"] in front of it and everyone was so drunk they didn't know the city was behind the fish cart. Finally he had his donkey move the cart three metres to the left and so Luxor was happily rediscovered. Zahi Hawass wasn't notified, though.
Even if we ignore the lack of a second 'L', the mere thought of a man rolling the eyes of a woman is troubling - to say the least! Let's not go there.
If someone had asked me what's the most dangerous line ever, I'd have suggested one of those cheesy pickup lines (a really lousy pickup line will get you either killed or maimed), but this line is being towed. Perhaps blades attached to a line towed behind a couple of motorbikes?
1800-luvussa tuli piippuja mukana.
I hate surgical masks. I rarely go shopping these days so I have to wear one perhaps once every second week, but I hate them with a burning passion. Every time I have to put one on, I feel like a dog that needs to be muzzled. Oh well, I probably have rabies anyway.
Currently hunting for a bundle of presents for Mikko. Next up is the anniversary of our engagement. It probably sounds silly to celebrate things like "dating anniversary" and "first meeting anniversary", but it works for us. Mostly because we both have our own collections and we both have a long "wish list" we regularly update, and we only buy things the other one would buy anyway. And I'll take any excuse to eat some cake! But as much as I like receiving gifts from Mikko, I don't want gifts from anyone else. Being an antisocial hermit is only a partial reason why I never celebrate anything: I don't want gifts or flowers. If you want to give something, give to charity. Which one? You choose. Your local soup kitchen or animal shelter? World Wildlife Fund for Nature? World Parrot Trust? I tend to favour environmental charities, but I don't really care. As long as you don't donate to converting religious organizations; blackmailing someone to follow your religion by holding their next meal hostage is just foul. I don't want proof that you gave them anything, nor do I need you to tell me that you did. I just don't need presents, and if you want to give, give your money (or time) to them, not me.
Also, a while back (9th June 2021) I mentioned the f-ugly birchbark amoeba-rooster. It received a new home on Sunday when a group of students from Hämäläis-Osakunta came and swapped it for three (unused) condoms and a used songbook. They handled it with gardening gloves, which I declared insufficient protection against the foulness it emitted, and I offered them advice on how to display it lest it be displeased (on an altar, with regular shots of Koskenkorva, Vodka or cold beer offered. I suspect these offerings will disappear on their own, as if by magic). I did neglect to suggest that they might consider burying it in the bedrock and leaving warning signs for future generations. The rooster-amoeba has been terrifically entertaining and has brought us much amusement. Let us hope it shan't curse the entire Hämäläis-Osakunta.
03.07.2021 (10:18) Luca Brasi sleeps with the fishes. Luca Brasi is a very sick man.
When peace lasts long enough, the military needs to find a new threat to practice against. A flying pan might be even more dangerous than a flying saucer. Especially if it's a bed pan.
This bloke believes he's a chicken. He actually laid an egg yesterday. Hell will freeze over before I eat it though.
I doubt the sheep will thank him.
Nice hands, but when he tries to wash them they melt away.
Poikkeuksellinen paska murtovaras.
Mikko likes a cheese called "Le Grand Rustique". I have another name for it. It's henceforth called "The Late Great Rat" because that's exactly what it smells like. Are you really going to tell me there's nothing you can do against the threat of lethally stinky cheese?
This here is called breakfast, btw. Freshly plucked strawberries from the hanging vases in the southeast balcony (my bedroom balcony is due northwest) and wild strawberries from the garden. Vanilla ice cream is part of any healthy breakfast.
We purchased this silly monkey bank from an auction earlier this month. Like I've said, we collect "things".
02.07.2021 (11:19) Too much mascara even for a masquerade
So we'll be in ICU before someone brings up grammar and punctuation.
Darling, you'll be unrecognizable with that much mascara, but you won't recognize anyone else either. Or see where you're going, really.
Things always get more serious when it's quiet.
"I'm just a big roll and imma rollin' around..."
Ruumista etsimässä.
Vi reste till Raseborg igår. The annual Fiskars and Billnäs antique fairs were both cancelled in 2020, and this year they had only the Billnäs event and a smaller-scale antique market in Fiskars, while the main event in Fiskars was cancelled again. A smaller selection of sellers at Billnäs too (I'd guess about two thirds of the amount they had before), and we didn't buy as many things as before, but we did get a couple of nice things. A few of books, of course, and a microscope for Mikko.
Then we found this one. It'll be part of the solid structures of this house.
And when we got home, my shipment of tea had arrived.
When you order tea, you need to order enough. That's 13 x 100 grams, so 1,3 kilos of tea in total, about enough for a couple of months. Black tea blends in a variety of flavours, loose leaf tea (yes, including the lovely strawberries, champagne and cream tea so many have liked, and two of those bags contain the chocolate tea). A parcel of chocolate came earlier this week. Feel free to email me if you want to sample something (although I've a head start with those chocolates and I'll fight you to the death for the ownership of these hazelnut&nougat chocolate balls. I have a meat cleaver and I'm not afraid to use it if you touch my "balls".)
29.06.2021 (10:44) Soul for sale rent for a bag of cherries
I might not be willing to sell my soul for a big bag of cherries, but I most certainly would consider renting it.
Had to make Mikko trim his beard a bit. He's on holiday, and while I'm used to his habit of filtering his food through the damn beard-and-moustache-combo, he currently looks like he'd been trying to eat a haystack.
And no, I didn't nag; as I've said before, it's a disgusting and useless strategy anyway. It's much more efficient to go off like a bomb if your orders aren't followed. In this case I didn't have to do that either (it's too hot to get angry, and he brought me cherries anyway): I simply bleated "baaaaaa!" every time I walked past him until he took up scissors (I count that as voluntary action... more or less).
Feeling lazy, so I'll do only two today:
I have no idea what to think about this. The only thing that comes to mind is a woman having a baby, because a baby is an organism. But because she almost had it but didn't, they were almost done with the delivery before they changed their minds and shoved the kid back in. She might have had some other organism as well, I guess: she might have thought she was having a baby but had kittens instead (ha-ha, pun intended). And what would she have delivered if not an organism? A piece of rock?
They do say life is a battlefield. (I think it's good to have only one opponent at a time, but approaching it as a duel is idiotic. Always hit them from behind when they least expect it.)
No words can properly express how much I love summer. And yes, I do hate mosquitoes and spiders and flies that come with it, but the chance to go to my balcony every morning (even if 'morning' can mean any time of the day from 2 am to 8 pm), pluck a couple of handfuls of fresh strawberries and serve them with vanilla ice cream for breakfast? That's just priceless. I grow strawberries in hanging baskets because magpies love strawberries almost as much as we do. I actually only bought one strawberry plant about a decade ago: I can give away several every year and even now I have five baskets and a big stone vase filled with the biggest plant cluster on ground level. That one is protected by steel netting And my runner beans are starting to bloom. I love growing runner beans. I love harvesting them even more, but that'll take a while.
27.06.2021 (07:26) Rotating eyes and a daily swim in raw sewage
That's a shitload of bread pudding.
Because some arsehole thought that snakes needed a change of scenery, they now live in desserts. Yeah, I'm sure all Arabs with a taste for sweets will give thanks for that.
All activities involving raisins, plums and bilberries must also cease immediately. (But not cherries. Nobody will take my cherries away from me!)
She took one look at me and suddenly her eyes turned completely round and rotated to the sides of her head.
Please don't swim in the septic tank. (Oh blast that indefinite article that clearly marks that as a noun! It'd be much funnier without one. I won't involve sports here. Nothing good ever comes from sports. Unless someone kicked the speaker from a wrong position and was punished for foul play)
Do people really think that feeling an electric zap when you touch someone is a sign of attraction and true love? Because I'd first wonder if someone's running around with an illegal taser and a nasty disposition. Perhaps it'd be a bonding experience of sorts: "I met my husband in a supermarket when some random loon came with a defibrillator and gave us both a nasty shock." I've felt an electric current when I touched my husband, actually, but we'd been married for three years, it was winter and we were both wearing long wool coats and sweaters. Nearly zapped my bloody lips off, the bugger, so it definitely wasn't romantic.
Tried to sell an extra Swarovski figurine on Facebook. It was blocked because "selling animals is forbidden". It's three pieces of glass and a piece of metal glued together to vaguely resemble a mouse, that's what it is! It's not an animal, nor is it racist, sexual (unless you're ridiculously deviant and get turned on by mice, but hey, I won't judge any of you twisted and disgusting bastards), recalled or medicinal, and while I admit it's indigestible (even if you happen to be a goat), it's not an indigestible supplement either. Good gods!
At 9 am I'll wake Mikko up gently (ergo: I shan't shout, curse, hit him with a pillow or poke his warm and toasty backside with cold toes). I'll be making wafers though. I have fresh strawberries, the first ones this season, both wild and normal (I adore wild strawberries with ice cream). Summer, yes! <3
25.06.2021 (6:18 AM) Wildlife, whistling and a wheeled Walmart
I'm pretty sure you oughtn't eat a dessert if it contains wildlife, but hey, that's just my opinion.
Whistling skin, the most painful rash you've ever experienced. Both loud and embarrassing.
Be very careful to only shop in stationary shops. Most of them have wheels underneath, you know. Tesco, Lidl, Prisma, Aldi, Costco, Walmart... they're all movable. Every night the manager locks up and then pushes the whole supermarket a few metres to either left or right. Except Harrods. They need two managers to move it and one of them tends to sprain a muscle every bloody night. They do it to confuse and piss people off. No more shopping in movable shops, people, only buy from stationary shops.
The worst kind of halitosis imaginable. A person's breath stinks so badly the stinking air follows you home and hides in your closet.
1800-luku on ohi, joten sen päälle on laitettu pienehkö kansi.
We've hung up a lot of nest boxes in our garden. A couple of great tits took the one opposite to my bedroom window, and I've been keeping an eye on them since they moved in, so I knew the babies were about to leave the nest last Sunday. They'd been peeking out all day, so I was waiting by the window and even took a few short video clips, hoping to capture the moment one left the nest. At one point I had to go do some laundry downstairs, looked through a window and spotted a great spotted woodpecker trying to raid the nest. Now many people apparently don't know that some woodpeckers kill and eat baby birds directly from the nest. I knew and rushed out like a human-sized and clumsy missile: one of my slippers flew off my foot into the empty pool and I ran outside wearing only one slipper. The woodpecker was wise enough to flee, and the baby birds were spared: they instantly evacuated the nest. All five left within less than 20 seconds and fast. One poor thing flew against the wall of the main building and fell into high weeds (the garden is huge and I hadn't weeded that place in a few weeks). I dug the baby out and let him fly off. Nope, they don't break: I've actually hand-reared tons of great tit chicks over the years (not these days, though. Mikko is allergic). The camera was, of course, in my bedroom on the second floor so I caught nothing of that spectacle, but I'm glad the babies made it out alive... even if I looked like a complete idiot in my dirty and torn oversized shirt, wearing only one slipper and being terrified for poor little baby birds.
This diamond dove passed away in March. A local taxidermist finished the work this week. It's a nice memory: it was born here and it died here. One of the second generation offspring from this bird was actually a red. Before Mikko became allergic, we had over 120 pet birds, some adopted when their owners couldn't care for them and many special needs-birds, but breeding diamond doves was a dear hobby of mine. We only have a dozen DD's now, but I miss the breeding. The babies were always extremely adorable. Samples:
1,
2,
3,
4,
5,
6,
7,
8...
23.06.2021 (22:36. That's 10:36 PM to you heathens) Of senseless violence, spies and lawnmowers
I know that 'beaconing' has many meanings, especially if you speak the language of geeks and nerds. I might be a geek myself, but my first impression was that the bloke lit his own head on fire to guide her home. Who said romance is dead?
Causality doesn't happen on its own.
Had to Google this. Apparently "teres" is a muscle: there's teres major and teres minor. So some psycho cut off four muscles from some poor bastard's arms and baked them in a cake?
Men don't need a shrink. Just a pair of sharp scissors and a good razor will do.
Musikaaliselle ei riitä mikä tahansa vinkuva keinu. Sen pitää nitistä ja narista just oikeassa sävelaskeleessa.
I'm not sure if I've warned people about my flawed programming when it comes to recognizing faces. I've lived next to the same people for over 20 years but if I met them somewhere else, I wouldn't know who they are. I would recognize my closest relatives and my husband, a few best friends, but I wouldn't recognize old school mates, people I used to date, or someone I hadn't seen in a few years. Sometimes Mikko manages to help me by discreetly whispering a name or greeting the person by name... if I'm lucky and he recognizes them. More often than not we're both left floundering about and trying to decide who the heck this person is, anyway. I've made a decision about this, though. From now on, regardless of your gender, ethnicity and age, unless you introduce yourself immediately you are known as Ivan, a former KGB agent from Russia, and how's spying these days?
Ruohonleikkureista tiedoksenne, ihan vaan ettei tule epäselvyyksiä: takaa-ajettava ruohonleikkuri on sellainen jonka äidilläni oli 80-luvulla. Sellainen puutarhatraktorin tyyppinen, joka jäi aina kiinni joka ikiseen kumpareeseen ja kuoppaan nurmikossa. Äiti meni aina sitä pukkaamaan eteenpäin ja unohti lähes poikkeuksetta käyttää käsijarrua hypätessään pois kyydistä, jolloin se leikkuri aina lähti kauhealla vauhdilla porhaltamaan eteenpäin (moneen kertaan kohti uima-allasta tai suihkulähdettä) ja äiti kirmasi perässä yrittäen ottaa leikkurin kiinni. Päältä ajettava ruohonleikkuri on sellainen idiootti joka ostaa epätasaiselle pihalle traktorileikkurin (koska sellaisella körötellessään päätyy kohtalaisen suurella todennäköisyydellä putoamaan kyydistä kymmenen minuutin välein). Tämän kaltaisen tyypin päältä tulisi ajella ruohonleikkurilla.
20.06.2021 (2:28 am) Almost time to announce the roster for next week
Thanks, but you can have my portion. I had a priest for lunch, an imam for dinner and there's still some rabbi for leftovers.
Be the star of your own boring office hours.
This sounds needlessly difficult. Fine, let's not have a drink!
It's not enough that they add your name on the roster. The bureaucracy now requires an announcement. At 3 AM. With a fanfare, courtesy of the brass section of your local symphony orchestra.
On korkeita ja kimeitä ääniä, on matalia ääniä ja sitten myös...
18.06.2021 (01:48 am) Of liars, madmen and voicemail
"Coming soon." No, wait, is that the date for the expected release of George R.R. Martin's 'Winds of Winter'?
Always make sure if people around you have dentation.
Do dragons employ (/enslave) professional liars?
If there's a madman about, always answer 'yes'. Remember to be polite.
Tämä kuulostaa aika karmealta fyysiseltä epämuodostumalta.
I don't have the voicemail turned on in my cell phone, mostly because very few people actually have access to my personal number (if you think you have my number, you most likely have my husband’s number or the number of some poor and innocent civilian who isn’t guilty of being Kat). But I wonder if I should have the service turned on. I could record a personalized message: “You know what to do! Jump out of the nearest window! Do it NOW!” [beep].
This next bit is even more boring, you might want to skip it.
There’s actually a reason why I hate voicemail so much. Back in… December 2000, I think, we still had a landline, and the service provider got this absolutely frickin’ fantastic idea of turning on their voicemail service, which cost extra, to every customer without asking, free of charge, oh and happy fuckin’ Christmas to you too. The biggest problem with this shitty idea was that you couldn’t call or receive phone calls without listening to your voicemail first: there was just no way past it. You couldn’t delete a voicemail without listening to it, either. I tolerated it for a while (about three days), but then came the day I had a minor disagreement with Mikko. We already were married at that point, but he still wasn’t used to the way my family handled disagreements: I’m capable of having a heated argument, then you apologize, forgive and forget. In his family an argument was tantamount to having all ties cut, and that small argument, no matter that it wasn’t our first, sent him into a full-blown panic, especially since he was in Helsinki at the time.
So he calls me and the voicemail picks up before I reach the phone. I listen to the message, but before I’ve actually listened to his utterly ridiculous and teary message, he’d already sent another, and another, and another, and I was stuck to the fucking phone listening to voicemails and deleting them until I just gave up. He came home in an hour, after driving like a madman, having called the bloody damn voicemail the whole way, and found me even more pissed off than I’d been during the actual argument. I had him listen to all his own stupid messages and then called the landline company. I was utterly brassed off, and the customer service agent probably didn’t deserve the things I told her about the company she worked for and their blasted service. We gave up the landline quite soon after anyway.
Vaihdetaan välillä kieltä.
Aina silloin tällöin keksin tehdä kaikenlaista outoa. Sukulaisilta (ja joskus Mikolta) tänne päätyy kamaa joka minun käsketään joko säilyttää ja myydä, ja aina välillä asiaan työlästyneenä teen kaikenlaista outoa... kuten kirjoitan suunnattoman rehellisiä kohdekuvauksia. Eihän sitä tiedä jos vaikka joku haluaisi perustaa kotipihalleen ikioman kaatopaikan naapureiden iloksi, ja toisaalta on paras kuvailla myytävät tavarat mahdollisimman huolella, muuten ostajat olisivat kohta ovien takana sen ostetun esineen kanssa ja vihaisena kuin jääkylmän peräruiskeen odottamatta saanut karhu. En lisää kuvia suoraan tälle sivulle, mutta linkkipelillä toiminee.
Unelmakarttakirja kuvakaappaus 1,
Unelmakarttakirja kuvakaappaus 2.
Kirja idiootille kuvakaappaus 1,
Kirja idiootille kuvakaappaus 2.
Ufox kuvakaappaus 1,
Ufox kuvakaappaus 2.
Ruma puhelinpenkki kuvakaappaus 1,
Ruma puhelinpenkki kuvakaappaus 2.
Julmetun karmea kukkotaulu kuvakaappaus 1,
Julmetun karmea kukkotaulu kuvakaappaus 2,
Julmetun karmea kukkotaulu kuvakaappaus 3.
Hippi-Cthulhu kuvakaappaus 1,
Hippi-Cthulhu kuvakaappaus 2.
Helvetin ruma hevostaulu kuvakaappaus 1,
Helvetin ruma hevostaulu kuvakaappaus 2,
Helvetin ruma hevostaulu kuvakaappaus 3,
Helvetin ruma hevostaulu kuvakaappaus 4,
Helvetin ruma hevostaulu kuvakaappaus 5,
Helvetin ruma hevostaulu kuvakaappaus 6,
Helvetin ruma hevostaulu kuvakaappaus 7.
Lisäksi oli taulu, jonka kuvaus on kadonnut aikojen kuluessa, mutta kulki muistaakseni nimellä "Sisilialainen irtokätinen mutanttiprostituoitu pahoinpitelee Tšernobyl-karitsaa".
Karitsataulu kuvakaappaus
15.06.2021 (04:25 am) Stationary stationery or weaponized stationery?
Things were going well until she shat her pants. (Although as a non-native I can't help it: the sentence sounds like someone squeezed a pair of bloomers out of her anus, but thanks for the correction, G: apparently it's "shat her pants" instead of "shat in her pants".)
Once again local food has disagreed with another tourist's digestion.
When big game hunters can't aim well enough to shoot a rhino or an elephant, they can always aim to hit a bigger and stationary target.
Which reminds me...
Does this mean that the aforementioned stationery needs to be either glued or nailed down, or are they stationary enough on their own? Provided I don't lose my temper and throw them at some (relatively) innocuous co-citizen, at which point the stationery isn't stationary.
Jos mökki kallistuu liikaa, saattaa sen oikaisukustannuksista tulla kallis kuluerä.
Swarovski figurine collection shelf #1 (ext. link Youtube). And then Swarovski figurine collection shelves #2, #3 & #4 (ext. link Youtube). A couple of short views of my collection. I'll have to do the rest later, I have a few deadlines coming up.
I’d actually written a really long rant about my mother and her alcoholism as an explanation to why I’ve been so quiet and depressed for the last several days, but the habit of never talking about it is almost too deeply ingrained. I wrote the rant, took a day, cut it down in half, and then took another day and cut out three-quarters. Short: didn’t attend my grand-aunt’s funeral, because mother is hiding her alcoholism from our relatives. She drinks at least 10 litres of wine a week and probably more; she lies, manipulates, ignores and hurts. Apparently she blamed us for not “being able to attend” the funeral (I’d reserved flowers and Mikko agreed to drive the whole five hour round-trip just so she could). Heard from my brother that she’d lied and told everyone that I broke her leg a few years back, when she was, in fact, utterly wasted and fell in the loo, and received a nasty phone call from one of her friends, who accused me for the poor condition of her home (she doesn’t clean, she just drinks. No, she’s not in pain, you idiots, she just doesn’t care.)
After over two decades of steadily worsening and relatively well hidden alcoholism, it’s just easier not to talk about it. But it is the reason I don’t only use alcohol when I have to flambé a dessert or make a nice wine sauce.
On a happier note, Mikko asked me to do one of my specialities: a slowly cooked pot of chicken breasts in a buttery sauce of freshly squeezed lemon and orange juice and cloves, with rice pilaf. Right now I need to cook a lot. I was also thinking miniature pies filled with smoked ham, thinly sliced bell peppers, blue cheese, sliced olives, fried onion, and hmmm, sourcream, topped with a nice cheese crust? It's also called "leftovers plus whatever I had in the freezer". I'm not a good baker (though I love cakes and sweets), but I can deal with salty foods.
I've blogged over 200 commented mistakes and non-mistakes in the series "Häme oli ennen pienempi", just so you know. Feel free to beg me to stop. I might accept bribes in white chocolate and black tea (but I won't promise anything).
13.06.2021 (Past 5:30 am. No, haven't gone to sleep yet) Of strange foreign customs (and swans)
Hari Kari is very different from the traditional Seppuku (i.e., Harakiri). Instead of being allowed to kill yourself to regain lost honour, you'll be accused of irredeemable stupidity and sentenced to clobber yourself to death with a rubber mallet. It'll take a while.
When you're utterly broke and you've already sold everything you own plus your kidney, half a liver and most of your blood. They only take large noses though.
Imperial families have strange customs. The Japanese Emperor spends most of his time playing hide and seek with the rest of his family, and Russian imperial dynasty built their palaces for the sole purpose of having enough closet space for everyone to hide. The Chinese Emperor was killed because he was just too bad at hiding. And Napoleon hid on St Helena and was never seen again.
Bazaar, the strangest place on earth.
Minäkin haudutan talitiaiseni, varpuseni ja harakkani pihalla pienessä kulhossa.
I may have mentioned my opinion about the famous ballet ‘Swan Lake’ before. It's just that it’s a wildly and annoyingly inaccurate representation of swans. First of all you should remember that swans are bloody aggressive animals. You try having a flock of 'em and you'll end up with a flock of fighting and squabbling oversized white geese. And, well, they do everything wrong. Take your normal, casual swan and compare it to a white-clad ballerina. Now imagine the ballerina wearing huge black flippers instead of pointe shoes. Every twenty minutes or so the ballerina defecates without pausing her dance and prances around in her own excrement, which will give a whole new overtone to her dance. Above the waist she'll be poised and steady, but under the waterline the black flippers are flopping around in the dirty, soiled water. To represent a swan's voice the ballerina should periodically let out a loud nasal squawk. When the other ballerinas sail to the stage a fight should break out, and down and feathers fly like in a pillow factory encountering a disastrous programming flaw. Dirt and muck fly when the group of ballerinas battles for the possession of the soiled stage and the loaf of bread an old woman from the audience has tossed in. And when the prince finally swaggers in, at least one of the ballerinas should attack him, bite him and – to exemplify the sheer force of a swan's wing when it hits you – hit him with a shovel.
12.06.2021 (Past midnight) Caped heroes, goths and the unavoidable daily dose of sarcasm
Forget Superman and Batman. Here comes Cape Able, the best of all caped heroes. (Meh. Villains and antiheroes are usually much more interesting and complex anyway)
That's twice as defiant, then.
Don't worry, sweetheart, you're not alone. That's how many Goths felt like before they purchased their first box of cheap black dye.
Do I want to know where? ...no, I don't.
Nyt on Ylen toimittaja taputellut itseään selkään taas niin kovasti että on olkapää mennyt sijoiltaan.
Trying to curb my sarcasm is such a pain sometimes. A good example are those idiotic automatic questions when you try to join Facebook groups. A local group asked, "Do you live in [place]?" and I struggled to keep from typing, "No, just moved into the second ring of Saturn." The next hobby group's admin enquires whether I am a fan of [thing the group is about], and I really should have told them that I frequently join groups to show my support for causes I utterly detest. The submission form to join a group about a certain collectible asks, "Do you collect [name of collectible], and of course the right answer is "No, I like to eat them, especially fried in butter and sprinkled with pepper, yum yum."
09.06.2021 (10 PM, which is afternoon for me, because I woke up after 2 PM) The rise of the birchbark amoeba-rooster
The person who wrote this was a wannabe inventor. I think that step #2, right after inventing something new and interesting, might perhaps be learning the difference between a patent and a patient. Unless you've invented a new type of patient.
When somebody has no patience and then you're left wondering if you're about to read some really lousy hospital porn.
The use of socks as a coping mechanism in depression.
The lousy bugger was disturbed. He ate a sock now and then, but the thick alpaca-wool sock was just too much for the poor bastard, and he suffocated.
But through this all we shall remain... clam. Apparently either slimy and submerged in a body of water or dead on a plate and covered in garlic. Not much of a choice, is it?
I made two sales-posts. Those who speak Finnish can see the first one in screencaps in
part 1, part 2, and part 3,. For non-Finns, I'll do a quick and unprofessional translation (because I tried going through Google translate, and it translated the word "kukkotaulu ["artwork depicting a rooster"] as "cockroach":
For sale we have one of the world's ugliest decorative(1) items: a garishly ugly picture(2) of a rooster. Built(3) on an ugly piece of plywood we have a rooster made out of birchbark (possibly; it might also be a representation of an extinct protozoan whose entire species disappeared off the tree of life when the individuals became too ugly to breed with each other, or one of the Great Old Ones(3). Shoggoth, is that you?)
This amoeba-rooster is one of the great crimes against humanity. It was made by my current spouse during the 70's in school handcrafts lessons (I'd have sued his old teacher for it, but the person has most likely passed away since then and suing your spouse without intention to divorce is apparently considered unethical), and my late mother-in-law hung it proudly on a wall in her house. At this point I must point out that my spouse moved out as soon as he could, and that I severely question my late mother-in-law's sanity.
This piece of 'artwork' kept potential overnight guests away quite well: even those who'd have slept in other rooms would have reconsidered twice in the fear that during the night the rooster-amoeba would sliter off the plywood and into their beads. It would most certainly have caused horrible nightmares to anyone who'd have slept in the same room, and would have been a better guest-repellent than the rickety and half-broken bunk bed with its moth-eaten blanket. Similar results might be achieved by remarking that the house has bedbugs and cockroaches that have been breeding to create a new super-race, and that the last guest who slept in that bed also got crabs.
So, my mother-in-law died. As far as we know, the birchbark rooster-amoeba was in no way involved in her death, or if it was, we cannot prove anything. The house went for sale. The real estate agent ran away. We hired another one. He ran off too, through a window and scarpered over the fence and into the woods beyond, never to return. We bought a new window and hired a half-blind real-estate agent. Interested buyers came and then fled, though politely through the nearest door. Finally we removed the rooster-amoeba, and the house was sold.
Now the rooster-amoeba on plywood is in our house. We tried to take it to a local landfill, but they turned us away and told us they don't take hazardous waste. We tried to give it to our neighbours, but they moved away the next day. We can't sink it to the bottom of the nearest lake, because killing all the fish in one go would most certainly be illegal. My own mother won't visit us as long as the rooster-amoeba is here, and this makes my spouse all too happy.
Feel free to offer us anything, starting from an old half-penny coin(5) or a piece of coal. Or money, if you're desperate enough. The plywood artwork will strike terror into the heart of any co-citizen with a modicum of taste. it may cause interior decoration-bloggers to die of a shit-stroke(6). It can be used to silence loud children ("Shut up, brats, or I'll bring out the rooster-amoeba!"), or to avoid visits from in-laws (just like my spouse is currently doing). On the other hand the owner will lose their ataraxia, sanity and, in the end, their will to live.
(1) Although I think the word "decorative" is just terrible. As far as I know there's no equivalent in English for things used in the interior that aren't actually pleasing to the eye, but feel free to correct me.
(2) In Finnish there's one word for all kinds of things hung on the wall, and the word "taulu" encompasses paintings, prints and framed photos as well as all kinds of other travesties except fabrics.
(3) Another thing impossible to translate. "Askarrella" would mean to craft, but to add the p in front makes the first part resemble the word 'Paska' which means 'shite', so basically I'm telling someone has “shat-crafted” the thing. Ah, the joys of Finnish language.
(4) Yes, Lovecraft. Deal with it.
(5) Finland no longer uses pennies.
(6) "Paskahalvaus" is a relatively common turn of phrase in Finnish. I know, Finns are weird.
I've been told I have the strangest sense of humor, so don't worry: I know. And don't get upset for poor Mikko: he was sitting right next to me when I wrote and kept egging me on. If and when I write something he doesn't laugh at, I erase it, apologise and start again.
07.06.2021 (Past 1 am) Misfortunes and misadventures in the kitchen are not only a thing of the past, mind you
Someone whose lobe is everlasting. How romantic.
How long does a minuet last, on average? I'm not gonna prance around like some buffoon every time you need a timer! Can't you just use your watch or an hourglass or something?
He might not have sailed the seven seas, but nevertheless he's the hero of many a wet place. Ho ho ho and a bottle of lube.
Either we're dealing with one of those wackos who believe in astral planes and spirituality, or some rich arse just upgraded his private jet.
#1 on 'list of things you shouldn't do with your past'. Coincidentally it's also #8.
Made wafers. Served them with home-made jam (strawberry for me while Mikko chose raspberry, though we also have apple, cherry and rhubarb. Hey, I like making jam!) and Bourbon vanilla ice cream (pH7 Bakery. My favourite when it comes to vanilla, though I usually prefer whipped cream). The wafers turned out particularly well, especially when one remembers the soggy mess I managed to create when I was a couple of decades younger and had my first encounters with a waffle iron. You wouldn't think anyone would be capable of losing a battle against a waffle iron, but I most certainly managed. Other culinary 'miracles' were born when I first started cooking: sweet-cinnamon-buns-with-curry-powder-instead-of-cinnamon, bread so hard it could've been used as a murder weapon, and a sauce so spicy it was inedible. Still not a culinary genius, but we survive and frequently even enjoy my cooking. (My speciality and own invention is a nice piece of lamb with caramelized vegetables, bacon cubes and portobello mushrooms slowly stewed in red wine and herbs. Ridiculously delicious, unless you happen to be vegetarian or you hate root vegetables. Some others prefer my fruit-filled chicken on a bed of baked fruit, also my own invention, or the modified family recipe of a roll of chicken steak wrapped in bacon and puff pastry and served with a sauce made of onions, portobello mushrooms, blue cheese and sour cream).
But let us never mention the time I was learning to flambé desserts and lit the baking paper on fire while doing a modified Bombe Alaska. We'll never mention that one, yes? And not a word about the first attempt at rice pilaf which was forgotten on the burner and resembled gravel. Never mention that one either.
05.06.2021 (Almost 2 am) The great escape special (includes a firehose and a rocket launcher)
"I bought all these hills just so I could have some peace and now there's a bunch of guards all over my hills and I've no idea why."
Another chase that failed.
"Fido, fetch cure for cancer! Good boy!"
Baaaa!
And anyway, when you're on the lam with guards and chasers and what have you hot on your heels, it's important not to be... scene.
What is it about people and this... how'd you call it, car crash porn? I read one where the couple is shagging on the table, and the moment of orgasm is described (and I'll quote loosely since I don't have the source material [read: porn] in front of me), 'he drove her off the edge'. What the hell? That's probably at least a broken tailbone right there. So there you are, happily shagging a bloke, and then he shoves you off the table and you get a concussion for your troubles, how's that for porn? There was also one where the woman was 'filled with explosive pressure'. So she just explodes in a shower of gore and guts?
That's not the worst, I guess. I've read pieces where the male protagonist ejaculates five times in an hour (honey, that's a penis, not a firehose), and fics where the woman reaches an orgasm simultaneously with her mate when he tells her to come with him and then does a countdown (yes, 3-2-1, honestly! what is she supposed to be, a bleedin' rocket launcher?). A young woman who loses her virginity to a man whose equipment could rival an elephant (a bull elephant, thank you very much), and she instantly gets an orgasm from vaginal penetration without any further stimulation; and not only that, but she repeats the act four times during the same night, orgasms every times and doesn't feel any discomfort whatsoever. Good gods! Either my sex life has been inordinately disappointing, or someone needs some informational pamphlets.
People keep telling me that Mikko never gets angry. I wish they could see him like this: he's absolutely bloody furious.
SCS Online event is this weekend, and they opened the orders for 'Kali the Oxpecker', so my order was sent in. Here's a link to Kali, the SCS Event excl. 2021. And while I was at it I also ordered The Zebra Baby Zuri, SCS excl. 2021. Utterly adorable. And no, they're not why Mikko's angry, trust me.
And just to counterbalance the lewd things and to be completely and senselessly random, I might mention that a badger scared the living sheiße out of me. My fault though: I'd have heard it sooner if I hadn't been listening to music as I walked. The badger was probably just as thrilled about the unexpected encounter (=not at all).
03.06.2021 (Afternoon or evening? It's 18:44 so you decide) S[h]ocking revelations
Someone ought to inform Lancelot and Merlin about the new arse parked on the throne.
No, don't tell me. I don't want to know. I really don't.
I guess everyone needs a hobby.
I don't think I've ever told anyone about our family sock. There's only one, but it's big enough for sixty-five people to wear it simultaneously. We don't have that many relatives, of course, so my uncle uses it to cover his yacht.
Very few people know about the vast sock Stalin had commissioned for himself. The construction work took 46 Russian babushkas doing three months of knitting 'round the clock. He crawled inside it every time something shocking happened and emerged like one fraggin' huge, ugly and rabies-infested... I was first going to say 'butterfly', then erased that and typed moth, and then realized that Stalin was a maggot, not a caterpillar. Never mind.
02.06.2021 (14:37) A good threat or not, you still shouldn't eat your cat
Since it's highly unlikely that anyone would think they could sic a cat on anyone (a dog, sure, but a cat?) and equally improbable that she'd have meant to say "--before I [intentionally thus written] my cat on--", I can only deduce that the speaker ate her cat and is about to puke the remains on whomever she's addressing. That's a valid threat though. You don't want bits of half-ingested cat on your clothes, do you? And, of course, it's also possible she fed her cat something terrible and now expects her companion to hold still while she has the feline puke all over the aforementioned mate.
Sounds like getting a stiffy was a really grave error.
When even spiders get tired of optimism.
Hey, if he's surly, I think he does mind.
80 cm pitkän vanhuksen vaivoina ovat nukkepalstan mukaan kodittomuus sekä kuluneet varpaat.
Mikko brought me a pipevine and a climbing hydrangea, as well as cakes, croissants and a lovely breakfast roll, so he definitely exceeded my expectations. And my lovely is faster now than ever before. The repair shop did excellent work with it. And oh, people, Mikko bought me the new Rhodo-hybrid 'Pinguin' I've wanted for a while!
The price was about twice the amount I usually spend on a Rhododendron, and especially since it's a relatively new hybrid and I have no idea how well it can stand the Finnish temperatures, which can go down to -30°C easily during winter (that's -22F for you foreign wonders, since I know you can't be bothered to calculate it on your own), but it was such a thoughtful present and I'll certainly do my best with it.
When planting my newest plants, lost another battle: mosquitoes 2, Katte 0. I fought valiantly but in vain.
Cake!
In the mail today: a parcel of books (probably nothing you'd be interested in. The craziest piece was a small humour and cartoon magazine published in 1921, and mostly history and science books again, but feel free to browse the
Fågeltorp library DB mobile version), and couple of DVD's:
I rarely watch TV when I can read, but some things are just too awesome to pass. Mischief Theatre is one of them.
01.06.2021 (Past midnight) What aspiring despots do while waiting for a breakthrough
Oh look, it's the return of the BDSM bathing aids. New version for your added comfort. Rejoice!
Is this some weird way of referring to a liquid diet?
Even the worst despot has to start small. Never mind the sentence structure and linguistics: don't hire an aspiring despot, at least not if you're hiring staff for a restaurant or a pub. Despots make terrible servers, you know.
You can dye your hair and your ugly shirt and whatever else you want. Just don't expect this person to be happy about it.
Biologian oppikirjat on nyt kirjoitettava uusiksi. Tai lisättävä uusi aikakäsite nimeltä "käytännössä ikinä".
Tried to plant Lewisias. Fought a battle against a million mosquitoes. The mosquitoes won.
Going nowhere. (Yes, that's part of our garden. We've been slowly [and I do mean s-l-o-w-l-y] working on that part for a couple of years now. We take down a few trees every year for firewood, and we're slowly replacing some of the wild vegetation and planting shrubs, perennials and vines. The favourite trees are allowed to stay and given more space. The path leads down the hill to a small area with wetlands and a small "semi-river" that leads into the lake. In a few years I'm hoping we'll start with the swamp-area, after the hillside begins to look tolerable.
When I wake up in the morning (somewhere after 12 PM, possibly around 11 if you're being [too] optimistic), my favourite computer will be gone to get a new SSD drive installed (I'll try not to imagine them pulling the guts out of my sweet T430). I'll be very moody and extremely irascible until I get it back. Mikko received some good advice on how to deal with that: 1) buy a big cake, preferably with chocolate, 2 ) place the cake on a plate, whole, 3) add a spoon. 4) Make tea, 5) place the tea, cup and cake by the bed and flee as fast as you can, 6) return with the repaired computer and no sooner, and receive kisses from your happy and relieved wife. I'm not expecting him to follow that, of course. He'll deliver the usual breakfast-in-bed and he'll share it with me, but there will be croissants and probably a slice of cake for us both. He'll be smug and think he's gotten off lightly and I get what I actually wanted, which is croissants and a slice of cake. I've known him since I was sixteen and he was 34: I know which string to pull.
30.05.2021 (Afternoon) Of smugglers, whelps and policemen
This is how you become a policeman: you get turned into one. It's just like magic! (You may, if you wish, imagine this said in a high-pitched, irritating chirpy and cheery voice. I hate squawking like that, but whatever irks you the most... ;D )
Personally I'd suggest scarpering before some bastard makes you eat the entire effing Kalahari.
The dangers of illicit liaisons.
I'm not sure if this is less unnerving than being covered by red welts.
Välillä jotain suomeksikin. TMI, Yle, TMI! We really don't need to hear about your adventures in the arsewipe-land. (Nykyjournalismilla tosin voisi yhtä hyvin "pyyhkiä puonsa", kuten jossain päin Suomen peräkorpia sanottaisiin)
The key to finding the best mistakes and errors is spending a lot of time online and having a quick screen cap tool at hand at all times, because more than half the time the authors get notified of their mistakes and correct them (I prefer Snipping Tool simply because it's easier to capture small areas without having to edit them). Having very little social life, a tendency to get obsessed with things, bad sense of humour and an undestanding spouse are also useful. And a few friendly assistants who enjoy trading screencaps back and forth for mutual amusement (along with other friendly banter).
29.05.2021 (Night, though I can only tell that by looking at the clock. Finland, duh!) Crash course to snogging, high velocity salivation and other strange things
I know there are no grammatical errors in this one, but I'd still say at least one of these parties will also have a broken nose and both will receive extensive bruising. Sounds more like an unfortunate accident than snogging.
Yech! I'd suggest either a bucket over this bloke's head or a simple gag, but those suggestions wouldn't be received well.
Time by the sea is sacred.
The speaker doesn't just want some random geezer called Manuel, oh no: this is THE Manuel, the most Manuel of all Manuels (and the author just forgot to capitalize the first letter). Or, because according to Google, "manuel" is a horse breed, perhaps this person wants a horse?
Autobiography with the subtitle "Living With Debilitating Bellyaches"
An old friend asked me who I thought was "the hottest male celebrity today". I wouldn't know. I haven't actually gone around the world shoving rectal thermometers up their arses, but I'll let you know if that ever happens.
Also heard the an extremely untrue statement today: "a pessimist is never disappointed". I'm sorry to say this*, but anyone who believes this is an optimist. Every real pessimist knows that no matter how shitty things are and even if you expect the worst, things tend to go awry faster than you can say "oh shit", and there's just no end to the utter fuckery and someone is bound to bollocks up an already shitty situation miserably. No matter how badly you expect things to end, you're bound to end up disappointed anyway.
The winds tossed my Alstroemerias badly (yes, I was an idiot and forgot to take the hanging plants down). I guess the best one can do is try to salvage some little happiness from everything.
Other things: less than 5 hours of sleep, got my first Covid vaccination (and now my arm is sore and only now I realised I ought to have made Mikko bribe me with cake), and I reserved a new SSD drive for my favourite laptop for next week. I'm using a Lenovo T430 (most of the time), and I know it's old but I get attached to my laptops. I've never held similar attachment to a tablet or a phone, so having the SD card changed will do for now. I do have other laptops, but letting the T430 go would feel like giving up on an old friend. Yes, I can be ridiculously sentimental. Bite me.
*Not really sorry at all.
27.05.2021 (Afternoon) Nice weather here, about as charming as encountering an unexpected rotten haddock on your pillow.
A friend told me I have "an expressive voice". That's the nicest way anyone has ever told me that I sound like the unfortunate consequence of a dalliance between an Irish wolfhound and a faulty general alarm system. It's a pity I usually just use my voice to express my distaste and disliking towards humanity in general and people anywhere in my close vicinity in particular. Though I'm just glad my voice doesn’t go shrill like my late grandmother’s voice (she sounded like a waterlogged and indignant rat, but twice as spiteful). I growl. When I’m angry enough my voice sounds like it doesn’t just come deep from the belly, oh no; it has burrowed deep underground and is heading straight towards the center of the Earth. And when I’m angry enough? Then I just hit ‘em on the head with a shovel and bury ‘em in the backyard.
That means very slowly, or preferably not at all.
Ouch.
Who the hell is doing the cooking? Hannibal Lecter or Chucky the Murder Doll?
You try getting sheared by big and dumb Australians and you'd damn well panic too.
Despite being grammatically correct this is one of the most disturbing sentences I've ever read. Men, if you experience a localized earthquake in your nether regions, seek medical assistance ASAP. It's the same advice I gave earlier to women who had a fusion happening in their knickers. Trust me, it's not natural.
26.05.2021 ( 1AM, tyst i huset, det är natten nu!) Häme oli ennen pienempi, osa 28
Morning from my bedroom balcony (ext. link Youtube). There's also another, unlisted, and a lot more cynical and tired version, because my cynicism and sarcasm are hard to curb for long, and doubly so when I'm tired. But hey, there's now recorded evidence that I can spend almost two minutes without calling someone a moron, a berk or a twit (however deservedly). The second (unlisted) version contains a load of foul language and insults everyone in the darn village (including myself), you can email me for the link.
Because even in a crowd there's rarely more than one gentleman.
He was great, but schizophrenia did him in.
This narrator was describing the physical appearance of a male character. But apparently the man wore a thick bear and the bear lost a lot of weight, because it was only thick initially. Men, do not wear a bear. The bear will suffer for your vanity.
Either someone got hit on the head with an ornamental plaque (cast iron would probably do it), or someone had really, really severe dental hygiene problems.
No niin kaikki pikku kullannuppuset, tämän päivän jaksossa hankitaan saatanaan uudet mukavat lepotuolit sekä opitaan kuinka saatanaan saadaan kodikkaampi tunnelma kokolattiamatoilla.
25.05.2021 (2:30 AM, the traditional time for the worst ideas)
The straight male character, who actually has just visited a female prostitute, suddenly changed his mind.
...I can’t think of a single thing to say about this. Except that I don't think I want to have an organism.
Probably way too much makeup.
This confuses me. Either it’s about some soft violence (eg. mild spanking, handcuffs with no padding and such) or suddenly the entire available airspace has become occupied by floating, soft violins.
For some kinky shower bondage, of course.
Busy day. Managed to do some gardening, mainly planting, in addition to other things. Although I must admit any and all physical labour involving insects and dirt usually involves employing a wide vocabulary of which not a single word should not be repeated among civilized or uncivilized* people.
*Yes, also uncivilized people. D'you really want to give them any more ideas?
24.05.2021 (Afternoon, or thereabouts)
Swarovski Peony 2020. This is about the size of my fist. A present from Mikko on the 25th anniversary of the day we first met.
And this came in the mail today. Mikko has the first dibs for reading it, more's the pity.
I'll only give you one of these screencaps today, because I'm baking doghnuts and can't be bothered to do more:
Usually one expects any desert to be hot enough to bake on its own and they rarely require any additional baking, but I'm really not sure how fresh they are.
23.05.2021 (evening) Häme oli ennen pienempi, osa 26: The failed intercourse-special
I'll skip the screencaps this time and just talk a bit.
I've been reading badly written porn for a few years. Hey, I'm over 40 and I'm not taking it seriously: I'm actually having a blast with this. Here's a hint: if there isn't one single grammatical error within the first three sentences, you move on. I don't have screencaps of these, but I've made notes of things I've found over the years. Let's have some examples here:
Example #1: Our hero is preparing to expose our heroine's "glowing, luminous skin" (I suspect she used glitter, sequins and glue, but hell if I know) but, according to the author (whose native language wasn’t English, btw) the male protagonist wanted “--to skin her--”. My libido fell like a Boeing 747 straight into the Ocean of What The Fuck, which can be found between the Oh You God Damn Moron-continent and the Buy a Dictionary-continent, and due north of it is the freezing Yeah I’m Going Back to Bed-continent, where permafrost covers everything that isn’t under the mile-high layer of ice. Although I guess it’s also possible that the author wanted to write porn for Hannibal Lecter.
Example #2, which I encountered when I should’ve been working to analyse a pile of Swedish newspaper articles from the early 1900’s: two fantasy heroes have given in to their passionate feelings, and the author decided to use the euphemism "--together they fell off the edge". What the heck? These heroes just raided a cave full orcs using just a swords and a bow with a handful of arrows, but when they get to sex they fall off their bed? What the hell do you need, some duct tape to attach you to your bunk? It gets worse, because later the male hero gives her an extra orgasm and, I quote: "--he pushed her off the edge and quickly followed--". Poor gal. She’s getting laid properly for the first time in months and then the muscled adonis shoves her off the bunk and as if that wasn’t enough, comes crashing down on top of her? That's just plain rude.
Example #3: "she shattered" or "they fell apart". More euphemisms. Oh, the sex was great, but now my right arm is on the floor, my foot rolled under the bed and by the way, have you seen my left thumb? "Oh luv, I lost me head there for a sec..."
22.05.2021 (As if I'd bother to check the time. It's Saturday afternoon and I don't have to work) Häme oli ennen pienempi, osa 25
I'm sure you could do this. You just need to either find really, really tiny camels for your caravan, or purchase about twenty truckloads of jam and meringues and one frickin' huge vat of whipped cream.
Please check your pulse.
Well... uh. Glad it's only temporary, I guess? I'm sure someone would be devastated if you died permanently.
Yes, I was made in a factory, and they produced two hundred identical misanthropic hermits that day. D'you want to check my serial number?
Kun ukki kuolee, se voidaan muuttaa vaikkapa käteväksi lisälämmönlähteeksi. Lisäksi sana "aina" on nyt saanut uuden merkityksen.
My grand-aunt Hilkka died this morning. She was my favourite among all my grand-aunts, a huge woman, tall and big and strong, and when Mikko saw her the first time in Helsinki (in 1999), he said she resembled a battleship on full sail. She carried two big bags with ease, a load which made poor Mikko's hands and back ache for a day. She also had the kindest and gentlest soul, a generosity of spirit and someone who supported my mother when even grandmother turned her back on her. Rest well, Hissu, we loved you.
A squirrel tried to nest under the roof, it made a hole between the weatherboards. Getting the bastard out required me to beat the walls with a 3,5 meter wooden pole until the little bugger took off like a rocket. I'll have to order a set of sheet metal cover plates to stop the little furry rats, because the population here has grown immense. Local owls, hawks and foxes aren’t efficient enough to cull their population. I probably looked like a complete twit as I whacked the walls of my house with a stick... And yes, these are red squirrels, so they're much cuter than the grey ones found in the 'States, but they can cause big problems in the interior structure of a house.
I have a jar of Confit de Canard and I think I'll also make doughnuts. Just because I've no work to do today.
22.05.2021 (Night, I hope. I might be wrong, but then something would be terribly wrong) Häme oli ennen pienempi, osa 24
You don't know the meaning of the words "awkward tension" until you've spent a few weeks sitting in silt, buried up to your neck in it and with no idea why. The idea obviously came from someone higher up in the chain of command but nobody dares to ask whose bloody idea was this anyway, because whoever invented this stupid idea will probably have a conniption at the mere hint of someone disagreeing with the idea of sitting buried in silt, and if anyone complains, you'll all end up sitting in cow dung and it'll be called teambuilding. So there you sit in your pile of silt, avoiding eye contact with everyone else and wondering why you're actually doing this stupid shite. (And this is the point where 87,6 % of you realise that this is what your actual job feels like. Good luck with that!)
I've always said birds are fiendish villains.
I've heard many fathers describe fatherhood as either pure joy, or exasperating, exhausting and tiring (depending on who they're talking to), but 'father business' sounds like someone has invented a way to earn a lot of money by being a father. I think most men on this planet would like to know how.
I can sit on my own hair by accident. My husband has actually sat on my hair more than a few times. But if you sit in your visitor's hair, you're just way too close. Have you never heard of personal space, man? And if they meant pubic hair, yeah, let's not go that way. Fy fan!
Lautaset ovat ruokapöydässä niin passé. Nyt syödään levyiltä.
We're now coming to what I call "The White Summer Season", when all the white flowering trees and shrubs blossom. Bird cherries, garland spiraeas, plum trees, cherries and apple trees are all flowering simultaneously. Bird cherries and spiraeas both have a lovely and strong scent. Unfortunately the weather's miserable right now, with strong winds and heavy rainfall for days, so they're losing petals fast. I just hope the bees will do their work, because I love homemade cherry jam and always spend a week or so eating nothing but fresh plums come autumn*. I've already planted runner beans, we had so many strawberry plants I actually gave some away, and there'll be herbs again. Summers here are short but oh so sweet, and when the rain stops, I'll be taking full advantage of my bedroom balcony.
*Seriously. I do have a tendency to get obsessed, and fresh plums from my own garden are one annual obsession.
21.05.2021 (Midnight...ish, about approximately, maybe) Häme oli ennen pienempi, osa 23
Peeling skin would feel uncomfortable enough, but 'pealing' skin sounds both painful and embarrassing. And loud.
Sorry mate, but if you want her naked I can suggest several less painful methods to get that frickin' frock off.
How did that work? You walked on all fours, growled, and stopped to eat a dead moose, climb some trees and raid a beehive on your way?
I agree. Let's not wait for desert.
Kokoelman nimen lähde, melko hiljattainen poiminta, vaikka olen keräillyt näitä virheitä pari vuosikymmentä. Häme oli ennen huomattavasti nykyistä pienempi.
Other things:
Boooooooooooks! <3
20.05.2021 (About 1AM) Häme oli ennen pienempi, osa 22
Beacon, the breakfast for Real Men™
Currants also need to be governed.
But the currant president is doing a berry good job! Oh gods, please don't tell me I actually used that utterly atrocious pun. [insert facepalm here]
Do not put your hand on some random bloke's lamp. Oh heck, do I really have to explain this to you? Wait, no, I don't.
Tasavertaisuus kielletty.
19.05.2021 (About 2 AM) Something completely different?
I did the first one (and a poorer-quality version of the second) as a favour to a good friend a while back. Now I remade the second one more to my own liking and with a slightly better camera. I'll probably have to add more light, though. The lighting is bad, but when the light fixture is six meters high in the air, changing light bulbs is not a simple task.
Why am I writing in English now? All the better to piss you off, my dear.
19.05.2021 (1 AM) Häme oli ennen pienempi, osa 21
HC BDSM strikes again.
Something is limp, and I really don't want to know what those limp things are and why they're bonded.
According to Google, a 'wonton' is a dumpling. So this girl is pretty but very pale and needs to be cooked or she'll be bad for your health. You should also consider using sauce.
The most dangerous tapestries can be found underground.
Koirien tuominen S-marketin koiraparkkiin on OK, mutta sikojen omistajien on etsittävä eläimilleen joku muu paikka.
I could make a music recommendation right about… now. Nicolai Gedda performing "Je crois entendre encore" from Bizet’s Les pêcheurs de perles, please do look that one up. I’ve loved that one since I first heard it (I was eight or nine, I think?). Or, if you absolutely must have something just a bit more modern (but not too modern), the best I can do at such short notice is to recommend “Hurricane” by Thirty Seconds to Mars. You’ll find them both quite easily.
I do listen to other things, but classical music and opera are the greatest loves of my life, followed closely by modern soundtrack and movie score music. When I was a kid, I considered my mother’s tastes in music (50’s music onwards) to be inexcusably and appallingly modern, but as I’ve aged, I’ve learned to forgive and forget. Take this from a person in a relationship with a large age gap: age is really just a number and time has no meaning.
Oh wait, let me amend that statement: time only has meaning when an eBay item is about to close and you need to ‘snipe’. And, of course, when you’re expecting a parcel, at which point time gains a whole new meaning.
(Expecting several parcels now, actually. Books (oooooh, booooooooks!), some Swarovski figurines (though I’d rather jump from the roof than be caught wearing any of their jewellery), a big delivery of chocolates and tea, and I even ordered a couple of DVD’s.)
18.05.2021 (Night) Häme oli ennen pienempi, osa 20
Let's face it: when you're sitting in a wheelchair because of a cracked spine you'll rue the day you ever decided to have children.
Barley, the smallest measuring unit for vocals.
Polite blackmail. You'd better go home or Luca Brasi won't be the only one sleeping with the fishes. (Luca needs help. I've heard of people who shag sheep or their dogs, but with a fish...?)
If a fusion happens in your knickers, seek immediate medical assistance.
Heinola, Suomen ihmisystävällisin paikkakunta. Mikon mukaan kilpien järjestys oli aikanaan erilainen: reumasairaala ensin, sitten ampumarata ja kaatopaikka vasta kolmantena. Ikävä kyllä omista arkistoistamme ei löytynyt kuvaa siltä ajalta.
My favourite laptop’s been reconfiguring updates and restarting for 45 minutes so far. Ben merde alors! I’d be a lot more miffed if I didn’t have a secondary one. I took off automatic updates ages ago so there's a lot to install.
16.05.2021 (IP) Häme oli ennen pienempi, osa 19 (The unwarranted food special)
Made a batch of doughnuts, so a food topic is probably appropriate. Although I admit I absolutely detest the smell of frying oil.
Did they attach the scones with glue or were clotted cream and jam enough to make them stick?
When sticking scones on the wall isn't enough and you make it worse by setting them on fire.
Definitely stop eating retched chocolates. Yech.
Who needs sheep, anyway? If green woolly stuff grows on your sarnie, remember to shear it.
Snacks with a bite.
Joku etsi kardiologia mutta nyt meni kilometrin verran hutiin. Onneksi on piirakka.
16.05.2021 (Yöllä) Häme oli ennen pienempi, osa 18
Apparently heroin is useful in luring costumers. But why would anyone require a large amount of costumers in a shop that sells herbal remedies is beyond me. I seriously doubt their cashiers required costumes from multiple designers.
The person doesn't sing, so it's quiet, and that's just lovely. (I suspect this person has a voice like mine: If I sing, I sound like someone trying to strangle an angry hyena, and I have it on highest authority* that the human rights commission in Brussels has considered declaring it illegal. The last time I sang, Japan suspected EU of developing a sound-based weapon and threatened them with a complete embargo)
...I think I'll pass, thanks. Suddenly champagne feels less than tempting.
Do not call people traders. That’s a terrible insult and much too harsh. Use insults like “twatsickle” or “ballsack”, but "douche-canoe" might also do.
Sikaa tulee mietittyä usein.
Waking up is much easier with the proper tone in your alarm clock. I have mine play Thomas Bergersen's 'Dragonland' (link to Youtube). It's much more pleasant to wake up to something other than annoying beeping. My phone's ring tone is 'Skyworld' from Two Steps From Hell. I'd link that, too, but the version on Youtube has atrociously bad sound quality. It's much better on the actual cd.
*Me, of course.
14.05.2021 (IP) Häme oli ennen pienempi, osa 18
When I was a kid, my mother used to tell me about a poem she read when she was expecting me. It was about how a mother should shoot her child into the world and thus be like a bow that shoots an arrow (it was supposed to be poetic, and it probably is to someone who has a better attitude and more parental feelings than I do). I'm now over 40 and I still can't get over the feeling that mum might've misunderstood the birthing process ever so slightly. I might be wrong, of course. It's entirely possible that the midwife failed trying to catch me and I ricocheted off two or three walls. Which would actually explain quite a few things.
Rabies-ridden furry-suit cosplayer. That, or someone just took a bite out of a dead squirrel.
It's OK if you want to say a little prayer to silk or lace, though. Goths aren't fashionable these days, so satinism is a new trend. But are they called 'Satinists'?
Not sure if they mean Bach or Pachelbel, but my money is on the latter. Apparently while composing his fabulous canon (D major), Pachelbel also used to fire a cannon for sport.
I won't say a word against people who kiss with the same attitude that Hitler had when he tried to annex the neighbouring countries (seriously though, it's supposed to be a gentle moment and here's this person impersonating Stalin assaulting his enemies, except it's aimed directly against their partner's opponent's tonsils [although a person who drools more than a rabid St Bernhard is arguably worse]) but just for the record I'd like to state that if you use tongs in bed, it's probably only foreplay if you're into really hardcore BDSM.
Kansaa on edustettu.
13.05.2021 (Yöllä) Häme oli ennen pienempi, osa 17 (The return of the son of the pyramid strikes again II)
Once again a friend asked me why I won't try something new with my hair. A nifty colour or something, she said. Easy and quick, she said. I think not! Any hairdresser I allow anywhere near my head will cause a disaster: there was, for example, the incident about ten or so years ago when I spent an hour and a half in a chair, while a hairdresser was making tiny braids. When the braids came off a few hours later, I ended up looking like I'd shoved my hair in a blender filled with something crunchy and sticky (possibly wallpaper glue). Or the terrible, terrible instance when I was... what, ten or eleven years old? I wanted a few waves in my hair, that's all, and so my mother took me to a hair salon. I was reading (well, duh!) and when I paid attention to my surroundings again, I had a perm. An honest-to-god, horrible, terrible 80's/early 90's perm. My head looked like a pyramid for a week and I fully expected an Egyptian funeral procession to approach me with a mummy to entomb. If I were insane enough to try something like that again, I know exactly what’d happen: I’d have an excited Zahi Hawass and his entire team (plus camera crew) on my doorstep and demanding the rights to excavate my head.
So, no. Absolutely not.
I'm not sure what to think. Either, A) monsters carve whole mountains up like apartment buildings and take over whole layers because a simple lair is for pussies anyway, B) monsters live in cold climates and these adventurers accidentally walked straight into Yeti's woolly underwear (yech), or C) something about monsters also keeping laying hens and adventurers who walk straight into (or inside?) a broody hen (also yech).
Just in case the bride gets hungry on her way to the altar. And while the pears take the pride of place, the apples are glued under her petticoat and a banana stuck in her garter.
The person in this story was making soup and used some leeks. Though someone ought to have told her the soup bowl isn't supposed to have holes in it.
Joululahjojen oletettua lyhyempi historia. Lisäksi vuosi 1948 on saanut ylennyksen vuosikymmeneksi.
Varokaa irtonaista. Ja lasikuppia, joka on jopa vaarallisempi kuin se vahingossa irti päässyt nainen.
12.05.2021 (Yöllä) Häme oli ennen pienempi, osa 16 (welcome to the wondrous world of homophones)
When time travel gets really confusing. [The set scene was a memorial, just so you know.]
Do you really, really want the whole world to know you're a world-class, championship-level wanker?
I think at some point one might consider shaving. Or the use of an epilator.
Her face was... a bucket?
Pyörätuolin aukioloajoissa on jonkin verran epäselvyyttä.
11.05.2021 (Yöllä) Häme oli ennen pienempi, osa 15
Walking around with a gate can be stiff and painful. Next time you should just leave the gate home.
My Vivaldi tried to run away but I finally caught the bastard.
I like to do my weeding looking like a meringue-encrusted five-tiered wedding cake. But when I mow the lawn I prefer a red cocktail dress and crimson stiletto heels because my lawn mower's colour matches.
Oh look, another war and the law of causality has failed again! A bomb dropped in Prague causes a massive migration of silkie hens, a bombing in Afganistan will produce a choir of singing castrated camels about half an hour before the first bombs hit ground zero, and an nuke dropped to Warsaw will bring forth in sixteen tons of fudge and a rubber dildo. (BTW, I use Notepad++ to write html, and since this thing doesn't have a spellchecker, I first typed that "a bob dropped in Prague--". I wonder what Bob would say about that?)
Mutta tuottaako tämä kissa pissaamalla linoleumia, parkettia vai lautalattiaa?
Suomalaisille ei riitä oma juoppous: alkoholisteiksi on pakko järjestää myös kotieläimet. Mutta nämä lampaat on marinoitu viinissä jo ennen teurastamista.
Kicked and poked my Swarovski collection page around a bit. This here, for example, is the shelf of Swarovski crystal birds, although the butterflies took over two of the lowest right-hand shelves. It's all genuine Swarovski, no other brands in there. My whole collection has over 760 Swarovski pieces in total now (and a lot more if you count individual figurines, because some 'items' actually consist of two to four separate figurines). The shelves are work in progress, missing moulding, paint touch-ups, and we'll need to build doors.
 .
More pictures of shelves on my Swarovski collection page.
And folks, remember: if you "walk down a dark ally", remember that it's best to wear very sturdy boots.
10.05.2021 (Yöllä) Häme oli ennen pienempi, osa 14 (The Big Bastard Bustard Edition)
You think your pet parrot is sneaky? Try bustards. They're the sneakiest birds in the world.
...although this particular bustard just died. Or maybe it just tipped over a bucket. Knowing the bustard, the bucket probably contained something acidic and lethal. That damn bustard!
The third bustard sank his beak and claws into somebody. Help help.
Someone basted something that wasn't supposed to be basted. Probably not a bustard, though. They're too sneaky to be basted, you see.
Oh, wait. They did baste a bustard and there'll be a hell to pay.
Oh all right, enough about birds, they're all bastards anyway. We'll try mammals next. Not goats though. Who gives a f* about goats? Unless you skin them to make a coat, which can then be thrown off.
Baaaaaaaa!
Jos on olemassa suurten vääryyksien kokoelma, lisätkää siihen listaan johonkin kuudensadantuhannen paikkeille sellainen kuin "Predestination-elokuvan soundtrackia ei ole koskaan julkaistu CD-levyllä". Kokoelmani ei kiitä. Nyyh.
07.05.2021 (Ilta) Häme oli ennen pienempi, osa 13
Had to euthanise one of our diamond doves last night. While loosing a bird has gotten easier since the days of my childhood (I bawled for days when I lost one of the mallards my grandmother gave me, cried a whole day over a dead hen, and when I lost my first 'tiel [she got egg-bound when we weren't home and had died in the nest box] I had red eyes for a whole week), I don’t know if I’ll ever really get used to it.
Onwards.
The author was referring to a penis, believe it or not. I know some men are idiotic and egotistical enough to want to name their bits. I've met a few blokes of that type and disliked them all immensely. But this? Who on this bloody planet would call it something like that? Is the bloke supposed to bonk the woman or gut her? And what about the men who have less delusions about their size? Do they call theirs 'the frankfurter of moderate success?' No, wait, we're using weapons here. 'The pocket-knife of moderate success', that's it!
A seller on eBay forbids embroidery at home. Or perhaps just this one particular technique.
This sounds like a bird who detests hair. But launched – did it use a special launching platform and rocket boosters?
(I can testify that getting a bird out of your long hair, when the bird doesn't want to let go, is a task in on itself. I once fell asleep on the floor next to one of the parrot aviaries, and my galah had dragged most of my hair through the bars and nested into it. I woke up with my head attached to a cage.)
Kun pankin tiliotenäkymä lyhentää kalusteliikkeen nimeä, ja ensimmäinen hämmentynyt reaktiosi on ihmetellä sitä, onko normaalisti heteroseksuaalinen puoliso käyttänyt yllättäen gigolon palveluita vai onko Hausjärvelle avattu seksivälinekauppa.
Kevätaurinko paistaa ja pervoset puistoissa lepattelevat.
06.05.2021 (IP) Häme oli ennen pienempi, osa 12
In today's incoming mail: Swarovski Secrets Tulip flacon (1997-2002).
The law of cause and effect functions mainly as expected during the war. During peace, you can get shot to the head at point blank range and you don't get injured or die: you do, however, sing a nice song in falsetto and grow a flashy sample of handlebar moustache regardless of your gender. That, or you get shot to the head because you died, you silly little wanker.
This person obviously never bothered to tell their new housemate about their collection of 159 cast-iron pans, 327 teflon pans, 768 stainless steel pans and the thirty-six unpacked boxes of miscellaneous pans.
Goose bombs. Either A) a goose shat on this chick at a high velocity, B) someone invented a bomb that contains a huge amount of angry geese, or C) someone REALLY dislikes geese and decided that the war against them must be brought to a whole new level.
Muualla prätkäklubeilla on siistimmät nimet, mutta täällä nekin ovat useamman asteen verran juntimpia. Tästä pahemmaksi pistäisi vain MC Lantunpurijat tai MC Sontatunkio.
Oi voi voi, särkylääke on loppu ja haavasidepaketit tipahtelevat ja aspiriinikardioista on käyttöpäivä mennyt vuosi sitten, voi voi.
05.05.2021 (Ilta) Häme oli ennen pienempi, osa 11
Still convinced that “spare time” is an imaginary concept made up to taunt people who work. Nevertheless, this one (photo below) shall be officially called my next “spare time” project, because I don’t get paid for it (it’s mine, and I’ve yet to find someone who’d pay me to do strange things in [or to] my own house) and needs paint touch-ups. Don’t worry, I had a master mason do the hard part, I’ll just be doing cosmetic work. Guest bedroom fireplace.
[Gods have mercy, I’ve fallen straight into that modern "people can’t read so let’s just post a shiteload of pictures”-phenomenon. Excuse me while I go sit in a corner in shame for a while.]
Angry mops can truly be terrifying.
Ew. Just... ew.
Honey, I'm pretty sure whipping won't work.
No hyi hitto. Luultavasti väite pitää paikkansa, eivät taitaisi päästää sisälle äänestyspaikkaan.
Pistetään melkein tonnin paino penskan päälle niin siinä rauhoittuu pahintakin meltdownia saava autistikersa.
04.05.2021 (IP) Häme oli ennen pienempi, osa 10
Everything was going fine, but now there's a well and at the bottom of it you either have a donkey or someone's arse, and you're not sure which one is worse. Or whose ass it actually is.
When you're trying to have sex and suddenly, wait, why are all these bloody coatis in here?!
(How'd you call that one anyway? Instead of 'coitus interruptus' you've got 'coatis interruptus'?)
Walking is really, really hard these days.
Hausjärven kirjastossa luetaan lapsia. Jopa koirat kuuntelevat.
Viina ja pilvi ovat niiiiin passé.
03.05.2021 (IP) Häme oli ennen pienempi, osa 9
Kokeilen jotain uutta: sitruunainen maustevoi kokonaisen maustamattoman kanan päälle leviteltynä ja sitten uuniin. We'll see. (Jos joku tässä vaiheessa miettii elävää kanaa voihin dipattuna, voin suositella että syöksykää sementtiin).
When KGB moles were ordered to find all about plants in the genus Allium.
*facepalm*
40-luku on vielä aivan hyvässä kunnossa, vaikka 50-luku onkin jo varsin elähtänyt ja 30-luku jo aivan kuollut. Jännä homma.
Naisten iholle voi kirjoittaa erityisellä työpöydällä.
Kaikille ikäluokille sopiva ratkaisu kaikkiin elämän pulmiin.
02.05.2021 (Ilta) The Sahara Special
Oh yes, please! I'll take a bit of fried Kalahari. Make sure it's piping hot.
Sicily: the place where you'll never starve because there's always mousse.
For the rich kids: a mahogany sandbox filled with the best imported desert sands.
If you're rich enough to have a desert full of chocolate, you can bloody well afford another spoon, you skinflint arsehole.
Dark chocolate needs to be... deserted, anyway. Bad pun intended!
You're not good enough to earn a bonus but I'll give you some anyway:
So, just to prove a point, the good old US of A used a squadron of jet fighters to drop thirteen tons of vanilla fudge sauce, half a ton chocolate flakes and three packs of wafer cones on a pacific island. True story!
The driver never noticed when the truck heading from the ice cream factory towards a supermarket sprung a leak in the middle of a road...
...and then down a street. I'm not shitting you here, ask anyone!
30.04.2021 (Ilta) Häme oli ennen pienempi, osa 7
...waste of a perfectly good text...
Crowing hair and other rooster-related health issues.
Muusilaaksossa Muusimamma ja Muusipappa yrittävät turhaan kasvattaa löysää ja velttoa poikaansa Muusipeikkoa.
Muistakaa kuitenkin testata lihan kypsyys.
Ja vapun kunniaksi vastalöydetty näkymätön munkkirinkelinreikä. Iltasanomat: munkkien tunnustelua käsikopelolta jo vuodesta 1932.
Tänään: vappumunkkeja kotitekoisena. Ei simaa (hyi helv...). Huonoa vappua teille kaikille. Toivottavasti sataa tai joku eksyy heikoille jäille.
30.04.2021 (Yöllä) Optimismin kannattamattomuudesta (taas!)
"What about we stop raping our victims and use rap instead? They'll suffer anyway."
When an emo goth sends a letter.
Myydään persin. Sillä voi persiä ikkunoita. Osta heti.
Hikiällä saatetaan harrastaa wiccalaisuutta.
1800-luku oli oletettua pienempi.
Peuratuhot olivat tänä vuonna alppiruusupuolella lähes katastrofaaliset. En laittanut verkkosuojia (näin jälkikäteen ajatellen raivostuttava idioottimaisessa) optimisminpuuskassa, ja nyt viidestäkymmenestä alppiruususta on jäljellä enää kolmisenkymmentä. Olen tehnyt pelastustöitä sen mihin kykenin, ja muutamasta yksilöstä elättelen vielä toivoa. Lisäksi ne perhanan elukat olivat syöneet muutamasta pensaasta juuri ne kohdat joissa oli kiinni tunnistelappu. Myrskyt tekivät lopun, ja nyt on kourallinen alppiruusuja ja atsaleoja joista en voi tietää mitä lajiketta ne edustavat. Tänä vuonna niiden muovilappujen kanssa arpominen loppui, ja tilalle metallikilvet. Syökööt ne maasta irti, penteleet. Jos jotakuta kiinnostavat rhodot, tämä sivu on olemassa, vaikkei mitenkään huolella tai rakkaudella tehty. FYI: alppiruusut eivät ole missään nimessä tärkeä tai edes kovin kiihkeä harrastus. Ostan mielelläni uuden kasvin jos sopiva tulee vastaan ja varsinkin keväällä kuokin niiden parissa mielelläni, mutta teen kaiken kokeilumielessä ja nk. 'perstuntumalta', ilman mitään suurempaa tutkimusta tai tavoitteita.
Uusi hankinta oli ruusumanteli. En halua olla optimistinen sen(kään) suhteen.
29.04.2021 (Yöllä) Häme oli ennen pienempi, osa 5
Warning: walk over dark allies at your own peril.
...What?
Asiakakat liukuradalla.
Onko myytävä vaasi heitetty kasvimaalle josta asiakas sen voi noutaa, vai tuleeko pyttyyn integroituna oma puutarhapalsta?
Kun vessapaperipula iskee, löytyy hätäapu kukkakaupasta. Vinkki: vältä ruusuja.
Aina vähintään parin viikon välein joku pyytää syystä tai toisesta käyttämään Whatsappia. On vaikea selittää, että minulla ei ole Whatsappia (tai muita chat-sovelluksia) nimenomaan siksi että joku kuitenkin haluaisi kuitenkin keskustella kanssani niiden kautta. Samasta syystä en ole ikinä siirtänyt tätäkään blogia trendikkäämmille kommentit ja feed-seurannan mahdollistaville alustoille. Sellaisissa pitäisi olla valmis paitsi vastaanottamaan kommentteja ja mielipiteitä, myös vastaamaan niihin. On maailmassa varmasti mielenkiintoisiakin ihmisiä, sellaisia joiden kanssa olisi kiva keskustella kirjoista, rakennuksista, leivoksista, siitä millaista on olla kroonisen ihmiskammoinen, tai vaikka parhaasta tavasta rakentaa mekaaninen kello tai sähköimpulssikanuuna. Ja sitten tulee suunsa avaamaan joku rokotekriittinen, rasisti, enkeliuskovainen tai reikiparantaja, ja uskoni uppoaa nopeammin ja pysyvämmin kuin kolmen tonnin teräskontti Välimereen.
28.04.2021 (Yöllä) Häme oli ennen pienempi, osa 4
All right, no broom, fine! What about a vacuum cleaner?
Few things are more urgent than a missile.
Note to self: selvitä mikä on syöpätvä ja miksi sitä pitää tutkia.
Lasten askartelun toinen nimitys on tarkoitushakuinen heteroyhdyntä.
Älä avaa ovia.
'Häme oli ennen pienempi'-kokoelma on myös nimeltään 'sekalaista'-kansio koneellani. Se sisältää sekä omia screencap-nappauksiani että parin kaverin (Salla, Noora, Leena, Kati, vilkuti vilkuti heipä hei) lähettämiä. Kansio on lievästikin sanoen suuri, ja olen julkaissut siitä vain muutamia hauskempia otteita muualla.
Mikon lahja huumorin värikkääseen maailmaan oli todeta, että Romania ei kuulu kirjallisuuden merkkimaihin. Niin huonosta sanaleikistä olisin normaalisti rankaissut heittämällä asianomaista irvileukaa joko kädessäolevalla esineellä tai, mikäli ko. esine on harvinainen, särkyvä tai muuten arvokas, lähimmällä muulla käteenosuvalla objektilla. Tällä kerralla Mikko oli valinnut sanaleikkimispaikkansa huolella: vitsi tuli laukaistua kun olin itse kuuraamassa aviaariota A1 ja Mikko taas teki samaa aviaariossa A3, kummallakin ympärillä lentävästä esineistöstä takuuvarmuudella panikoivia timanttikyyhkyjä, joten huono sanaleikki jäi rankaisutta. Olin jo saanut sen työnnettyä mielestäni, mutta nyt se muistui mieleen kello 1 aamuyöllä, kun Mikko jo nukkuu autuaasti.
Toisaalta avuttomassa tilassa nukkuvaa aviomiestä voi kätevästi rankaista käymällä lyömällä navakasti tyynyllä muutamaan kertaan.
27.04.2021 (AP) Häme oli ennen pienempi, osa 3
Olemme menossa hoitamaan äidin asioita, ja totesin Mikolle, että "--joudun sietämään sitä vitun myyjää...", kunnes tajusin että kyseisen ammatin harjoittaja olisi prostituoitu. Yritin uudelleen: "--sitä saatanan myyjää..." ja tällä kertaa Mikko alkoi nauramaan samaan aikaan. Markkinalähtöinen satanismi olisi mielenkiintoinen uskonto. Seuraava yritykseni olisi ollut "helvetin myyjää", mutta onneksi tajusin lopettaa ajoissa, muuten olisi tullut vakavaa kilpailua taivasosuuksia kauppaaville kristityille.
You know the bloke's obsessed when he doesn't want to let go of your shit.
Osta oma dosentti. Tulee halvemmaksi kuin lääkäri.
Beer is for pussies.
Hyvää ruokahalua vaan teillekin.
Who needs a reindeer and a sleigh when they can reign deer and slay?
26.04.2021 (IP) Häme oli ennen pienempi, osa 2
Do not merry.
One does not simply drink wine from a cup.
Rintaneuleeseen on kudottu kätevät tekorinnat. Tissibaarien ykkösasuste tämän sesongin aikana.
Ruhon yli on ajettu katujyrällä säilytystilan säästämiseksi.
People live far too long, anyway.
25.04.2021 (IP)
Suomesta löytyy yhdistys joka hemmetin asiaan. On harrastusyhdistyksiä, kannatusyhdistyksiä, sairausyhdistyksiä, keräilijäyhdistyksiä ja eläinyhdistyksiä, ja kyläyhdistykset ja kuntayhdistykset änkevät päälle siihen jo muutenkin rivoon ja rumaan pinoon. Mutta, oi rakkaat (ja kaikki muut, paljon vähemmän rakkaat) ihmiset: minä en halua liittyä niihin. En halua edes kuulla niiden olemassaolosta. Voin harrastaa tiettyjen antiikkilelujen keräilyä, alppiruusuja, kirjoja, outoja sisustusjuttuja tai mitä tahansa muuta, mutta minua ei todellakaan kiinnosta kuulla yhdistyksistä joita joku urposakki on idean päälle kyhännyt, ja vielä vähemmän minua kiinnostaa liittyä sellaiseen. Olen aivan varma että Suomessa, yhdistysten luvatussa maassa, on jossain rekisterissä yhdistys ihmisille jotka tunkevat rutiininomaisesti kanankoipia anukseensa, mutta minä en halua kuulla siitä. Ainoat minua erakoituneemmat ja enemmän ihmisseuraa vihaavat ihmiset maapallolla elävät todennäköisesti jonkin pylvään nenässä jossain aavikolla ja varaavat sinne mukaansa kiväärin jolla ampuvat kaikki näköetäisyydelle tulevat aavikkolannoitteeksi. Millä hiton logiikalla on siis järkevää suositella minulle yhdistykseen liittymistä?
Suomessa ihmisvihaajat ja erakotkin luultavasti perustavat yhdistyksen, jolla on useita kertoja vuodessa hapan, vihainen ja tappeluiden säestämä jäsentapaaminen, jossa puheenjohtaja eroaa dramaattisesti ja hallituksen jäsen myrkyttää tilintarkastajan korvapuusteihin kätketyllä strykniinillä. Menkää muualle yhdistymään.
Koska mulla ei ole juuri nyt halua tehdä mitään tuotteliasta tai järkevää, aloittakaamme ihmisten piinaaminen toisten virheillä. Nämä ovat suljetulle yleisölle julkaisemasta laajemmasta sarjastani "Häme oli ennen pienempi":
"So anyway, suddenly this bloke starts pecking seeds and then he laid an egg!"
When you're hungry enough...
Mörkö kuivataan pyykkinarulla.
Never trust a musician, especially those who play brass instruments. Or be prepared to be stuffed inside a saxophone.
Hävetkää, koiranomistajat!
20.04.2021 (IP)
Tänään saapui Swarovskin 'Stallion'. Voitin tämän online-tapahtuman kilpailusta (tietovisa-tyyppinen). Suunnittelijan signeeraama, ihana esine.
15.04.2021 (AP)
Äiti oli joutunut LämpöLux-nimisen firman vierailun "kohteeksi". Arvattavin tuloksin. Onneksi broidi keksi huomauttaa asiasta minulle. LämpöLux koki monella tasolla sen että olen suunnattoman suojeleva rakkaitani kohtaan, eikä rakkaitani todellakaan yritetä käyttää hyväksi. Jos moista yrittää, voi varautua siihen että helvetti puhkeaa kukkaan maan päällä. Eipä saanut kyseinen firma kynittyä.
Minullakin on pehmeät ja herkät kohtani. Ne yleensä liittyvät lintuihin sekä rakkaisiin ihmisiini, ja paras keino päästä hengestä ja terveydestään on uhata, hyväksikäyttää tai vahingoittaa jotain mitä rakastan.
14.04.2021 (Ilta)
Tuli tarpeen korjata yöllisestä merkinnästä mahdollisesti aiheutuva väärinkäsitys, koska lukijoista se optimistisesti arvioitu 30 % ymmärsi kannibaalivitsin ja keksi olevansa fiksumpia kuin loput eli 70 % kansasta. Ihan vaan väärinkäsityksen oikaisemiseksi todettakoon että ette ole. Te 30 % olette aivan samanlaisia rasittavia persiöitä kuin muutkin, ja jos Global Shitting Program olisi saatavilla täällä Suomessa, postittaisin teidät kaikki jonnekin siinä hartaassa toivossa että hukutte kansainvälisen postilaitoksen hellässä huomassa jossain Latvian tai Liettuan tienoilla ikuisiksi ajoiksi.
14.04.2021 (Yöllä) Huumori on vaikea laji, mutta idiotismi turhankin helppoa
2000-luvun alussa sähköpostini signaturessa oli lopussa pieni, ärtymyksen ja huonon huumorin yhdistelmäpuuskassa kirjoitettu pätkä, jossa ilmoitettiin että sähköpostin lukijan koneeseen on juuri tarttunut idioottivirus, josta eroon päästäkseen asianomaisen oli (muistaakseni) maalattava ihonsa siniseksi, mäjäytettävä näppäimistöään kahdesti vasaralla, korvattava emolevy kaljatölkillä ja poistettava päätelaite lähimmän ikkunan kautta rakennuksesta ulos. Signature oli pelkkä tekstikenttä vailla mitään hienompia muotoiluja. Jouduin poistamaan sen, kun kyllästyin ihmisiin joihin idioottivirus selkeästi tarttui; kruununa silloisen palveluntarjoajan aspa, jonka kanssa olin yrittänyt vääntää ("miten niin ei muka tue javascriptiä?!") ja joka soitti hädissään että sähköpostini levittää kauheaa virusta.
Huumori on vaikea laji. Nykyään käytän kaikkialla vanhaa tuttua "Hello, this is the cannibal hotline. We will serve you as soon as possible." Optimistisesti arvioiden noin kolmasosa kanssakansalaisista tajuaa jutun, mutta ainakaan kukaan ei tähän mennessä ole soittanut paikalle poliisia tutkimaan suomalaisen ihmissyöjän tapausta.
Sain myös Mikon kiinni väärästä Tolkien-triviasta. KOLME KERTAA. (FYI: tarkistin kyseiset faktat verkosta, en kirjoista. En koskaan väittänytkään olevani Tolkienisti. Sitä paitsi on ihan hiton paljon tärkeämpää todistaa toisen olevan väärässä kuin olla itse oikeassa.)
11.04.2021 (IP)
Mikko on vakaa Tolkien-fani, sitä ihmistyyppiä joka on lukenut kaikki liitteet ja valtavan määrän oheiskirjallisuutta (mutta onneksi ei sitä fanaattista lajia jolta tulee kuin apteekin hyllyltä vastaus jokaiseen pikkuiseen triviakysymykseen). Olen kyllä lukenut perusteokset pariin kertaan ja tunnustan sen ansiot klassikkona, mutta emme luultavasti koskaan tule olemaan aivan samaa mieltä asiasta. Lähinnä siksi, että hahmojen pääreaktio kaikkeen tuntuu olevan "Minäpä pidän puheen!" Olisi sota voitettavana, mutta nyt onkin hyvä aika vääntää leukoja. Kohdataan vaara? Puhutaan pitkään! Tavataan uusia ihmisiä pelastusreissulla? Jos hahmot olisivat aitoja ihmisiä, joku mutisisi että saatana, siinä tulee seurue Rohanilaisia ja kun Aragorn pääsee vauhtiin niin tässä seistään seuraavat kolme tuntia, annas se lembas tänne niin syödään kun nuo kälättävät. Ja Gandalf? Gandalf tarvitsisi joko pikaliimalla kiinnitettävän suukapulan tai mahdollisesti napakan iskun lapiolla päähänsä ja kaksi metriä syvän maakuopan. Onko jossain kampanja, jolla voisi äänestää Gríma Kärmekielen Keskimaan kuninkaaksi?
Ja täten on näytetty keskisormea myös Tolkien-faneillekin. Ketäs seuraavaksi loukataan?
Vuorokausirytmin muutos meni aivan pieleen, ja heräsin juuri kello 13 jälkeen. Toisaalta yövalvomisessa on se ilo, että saan useammin yllättää Mikon yöleipomisella. Vääntämäni korvapuustit voivat olla rumia ja kaikkea muuta kuin Instagramin esittelykuvan arvoisia, mutta ne ovat hyperpehmeitä ja niistä suorastaan valuu kanelia, sokeria ja voita.
Onneistuin saman vuorokauden aikana astumaan lattialle jääneeseen metallinpalaan, saamaan tiilen varpailleni ja litistämään sormen kahden tiilen väliin alle tuntia myöhemmin, polttamaan käteni kiuasta lämmittäessäni ja lopulta iskemään kinnerjänteen vuoteeseen nukkumaan mennessä. Kun idiootti puuhastelee kotona...
09.04.2021 (AP)
En tiedä pitäisikö olla tyytyväinen vai harmissaan siitä, ettei Mikolla ole enää juuri koskaan niska- ja selkävaivoja. Vielä 15-20 vuotta sitten sain hieroa kipeää niskaa tai selkää lähes viikottain, mutta nykyään se on jo todella harvinaista herkkua. Toki siihen liittyivät laadukkaammat patjat, parempi työtuoli sekä ryhdistä huomauttelu, mutta koska pidän hieromista rentouttavana ja rahuhoittavana kokemuksena (sekä itselleni että Mikolle, joka torkahti usein kokonaan käsittelyn alla), tulin potkaisseeksi omaan nilkkaani näillä parannuksilla. Äidillä on kyllä iän tuomia niskakipuja, mutta äidin mielestä pitää hieroa kovempaa, eivätkä käsivoimani riitäsiihen runteluun jota äidin niska kaipaa. Lisäksi välimatkaakin on paljon, enkä ole enää kyllin sosiaalinen tarjotakseni hierontaa vieraammille.
Olisiko moraalisesti väärin sabotoida aviomiehen patja päästäkseen hieromaan? Olisi? Niin olisikin. Huoh.
01.04.2021 (IP)
Oppitunti, jonka olisin voinut oppia jo kauan sitten; ei, Katte, älä aloita Windowsin versiopäivitystä kello yhdeksän aikaan illalla. Iso versiopäivitys kun vie reippaasti yli neljä tuntia pelkkään lataukseen, jonka jälkeen seuraa kahden tunnin edestä koneen restartteja (onneksi automatisoitu sarja, mutta voi kirosana). Ja kun vihdoin saa koneen kiinni kello neljältä aamuyöstä, nukahtaa hetkeksi ja sitten herää aamuun ankeaan, pääsee käymään läpi kaikkea sontaa mitä Microsoft keksikään päivitykseen ympätä. Aivan ensimmäiseksi "suukapulan" sai Cortana, jonka disabloiminen registry editorin kautta oli armollisen nopea toimenpide, koska uninstall ei nähtävästi kelpaa.
Miksi, voi miksi valitsinkaan Windows-koneen kakkoseksi? Windows muistuttaa sellaista parvekkeella koko syksyn ja talven oleskellutta tuhkakuppia, johon joku vieras on tumppinsa karistellut, ja jossa on sitten talven ajan sadevedessä muhinut ties mitä ötökänraadosta puunlehtiin, ja sitten se kuppi pitäisi saada asialliseen käyttökuntoon.
29.03.2021 (IP)
Kello on 16:05 ja heräsin juuri. Hyvää vapaavalintaista unisyklin ja vuorokaudenaikaa vaan kanssakansalaisille.
Meillä heräsi pieni erimielisyys tavastani tuijotella tyhjään kun olen sosiaalisesti väsynyt. Mikon mielestä se on nimeltään 'meditaatiota', mutta haluaisin oikeasti parempia todisteita siitä että buddhalaismunkit, ituhipit ja maailmanparantajat käyttävät aikaansa toivoakseen että kanssaeläjät tukkisivat joukolla turpavärkkinsä ja hyppäisivät kalliolta*. Ainoana poikkeuksena Mikko, mutta yli kahdenkymmenen yhteiselovuoden jälkeen olen lähes immuuni Mikon sosiaalisen vaikutuksen aiheuttamalle väsymykselle.
*Kallion korkeus vähintään 12 metriä, materiaali graniittia tai liuskekiveä, ja kaltevuus EU-standardin AGH198A5-/2004 mukainen. Tietenkin. Idiootit.
26.03.2021 (IP)
Aina silloin tällöin Mikon kyky tulkita pieniäkin eleitäni on hämmentävä, eikä tarvitse useinkaan sanoa kuin yksi sana tai yksi ele saadakseni kaipaamani suukon tai halauksen. Ilmeisesti sanaton viestintäni on aika avointa, ja esimerkiksi henkisen väsymyksen ihmisseuraan näkee siitä, että jään tuijottelemaan tyhjään näkemättä oikeastaan mitään tai ketään. Nykyisin väsymystilan saavuttamiseen riittää jo muutama tunti vieraita ihmisiä nähden, eikä vieraille tarvitse edes puhua väsymystilan saavuttamiseksi.
Alakerran vierashuoneeseen on nyt vihdoin työn alla se kaakeliuuni. Huone on edelleen seinät muovin peitossa, lattia peitettynä levyin ja täynnä tiiliä ja laastisäkkejä sekä uuninosia, mutta nyt ilona on myös reipas kerros laastipölyä ja tiilenmurua. Fågeltorp ottaa vieraita vastaan todennäköisesti vasta huhtikuun puolesta välistä eteenpäin.
Takkaluukku on hiukan pölyinen ja osissa odottamassa kiinnitystä, malli on kuulemma Högforsin 'Koru'. Kaakelit kuvassa uunin vasemasta alalaidasta (kuva otettu muutama päivä sitten, uunissa on jo valmiina muutama kerros).
23.03.2021 (Ilta) Keräilijätaloudessa on harvoin tylsää päivää
Päivän lisäys mekaanisten esineiden kokoelmaan oli soittorasia-nukke, mekaaninen automaton. Nukke saapui maahan Saksasta vaatimattomalla pahvilaatikkokyydillä. Soittorasian soidessa nukke laskee ja nostaa häkkiä pitelevää kättä sekä kääntelee päätään. Video toiminnassa. Toinen kuva lähempää.
20.03.2021 (Yöllä)
Purppuraperäkottarainen muutti parveemme vuonna 2005 kasvattajalta, joka julisti sen liian vanhaksi pesityskäyttöön ja eläkeikäiseksi. Sillä piti olla elinaikaa vain muutama vuosi, mutta aika tästä linnusta jätti vasta joulukuussa 2020. Sen puoliso kuoli muutama vuosi aiemmin, kun se oli päässyt aviaariosta väärään tilaan ja tanimbari puri sitä niin ikävästi että lintu kuoli verenhukkaan matkalla eläinlääkärille. Ikävöin näitä lintuja erityisen pitkään: vaikkei tämä yksilö ollut koskaan yhtä hellyydenkipeä kuin ruusukakaduni, se oli aina tulossa katsomaan mitä uutta ruokakuppiin sillä kertaa tuotaisiin. Loistokottaraiset ovat nk. pehmytnokkia, joiden ruokavalio koostuu laajasta valikoimasta hedelmiä, marjoja ja eläinproteiinia. Sotku oli myös sen mukainen. Tämä kulta rakasti erityisesti jauhomatoja (ja voitte kuvitella miten suurella innolla hyönteisfoobikko niitä kasvatti ja annosteli) mutta se piti myös mm. Beapharin universal-ruoan kaivelemisesta annoskupista aviaarion lattialle, omenanpalasten ontoksikovertamisesta, sekä banaanirippeiden viskommisesta laajalle alueelle. Marjat, btw, jättivät kivoja värijälkiä ympäristöön kun niitä puristi nokassa. Pehmytnokat ovat myös aivan loistavia horisontaaliulostamisessa, ja koska ne syövät paljon erilaista ruokaa, se ei ole mikään pieni kuiva ja helposti poissiivottava koppura.
Kaipaan silti lintustani. Täytätimme sen muistoksi. Jonkun mielestä se voi olla outo tapa muistaa rakasta lemmikkiä, mutta meille se sopii.
19.03.2021 (IP)
Yleensä Mikko on tässä taloudessa se, joka kolhii itsensä (useimmiten päänsä) remonttitöissä ja minun työkseni jää laastareiden tai perhosten kiinnittäminen. Ilmeisesti taktiikkani on hankkia useamman kerran vammat kerralla. Tulin siis leikanneeksi pienen palan lihaa kädestäni. En perkele mene tikattavaksi, perhoset riittävät. Arpi jää, mutta saahan näin vanhalla jo niitä ollakin.
16.03.2021 (IP) Se Bukowskis-ostos
Laulava lintuhäkki-pöytäkello-kombinaatti käkikellosoinnilla. E. Scheckenbecher. Toinen kuva lähempää. Video kellosta "kukkumassa".
Mekaaniset linnut (ja muut mekaaniset lelut ja kellot) eivät ole yksi pääkokoelmistamme, mutta uudet hankinnat ilahduttavat aina. Mikolle taas voitin Helanderilta yli viisikymmentä MAD-pokkaria. En viitsi moittia huonosta mausta, sillä kyllähän kunnon aviomiehellä pitää olla paheita ja huonojakin puolia.
08.03.2021 (Ilta) Asioita
Viime viikon torstai oli karmea päivä.
Logistiikkapalvelu toimitti tiiliä ja sementtiä sekä laastia. Kuljettaja oli (Mikon luvalla!) jättänyt koko kuorman keskelle pihaa. Siis samalla myös keskelle ajoväylää. 41 säkkiä laastia ja sementtiä (yksittäisen säkin paino 25 kiloa) sekä viisi letkaa tavallisia tiiliä ja 200 tulitiiltä, yhteensä 680 tiiltä. Auton edessä. Kun huomioi että jääkaappi oli tyhjä, tämä ei ollut hyvä asia.
Mikko sai päähänsä yrittää siirtää kokonaista tiililetkaa kippikärryllä. Ei auttanut selitykseni fysiikasta ja koko ajatuksen mahdottomuudesta, eikä edes se, että huomautin että koska yksi tiili painaa 3,9 kiloa ja yhdessä letkassa on 96 tiiltä, letkan pelkkien tiilten paino, huomioimatta kuormalavaa ja muoveja, on 374,4 kiloa (sanoin 370, koska en ole koskaan loistanut päässälaskussa, enkä varsinkaan loista siinä kello 19:00 illalla pakkasessa, kun koko päivän ateria on koostunut kahdesta palasta ruisleipää ja kahdesta kupista teetä). Tämä ei riittänyt arvon aviomiehelle, vaan hänen piti kokeilla. Varustauduin kiskaisemaan Mikon pois alta, mutta myönnettävä on silti että elämäni pelottavimpia hetkiä oli se, kun letka kaatui ja alta lentävä kippikärry kolkkasi Mikon nietokseen ennen kuin ehdin kiskaista kunnolla kauluksesta. En yleensä siedä ihmisiä jotka sanovat "niinhän minä sanoin," joten tyydyin solvaamaan miestä useilla törkeysrajan ylittävillä ja julkaisurajan alittavilla nimillä.
Kannoimme siis tiilet ja laastin käsityönä. Kaikki 41 laasti- ja sementtisäkkiä (yhteensä yli tonnin verran tavaraa), kaikki 200 tulitiiltä (kappalepaino 2,6 kiloa eli yhteensä 520 kiloa,) sekä 480 perustiiltä (480 x 3,9 kiloa eli 1872 kiloa). Yhteenlaskettu kannetun tavaran määrä siis kahdelle yleensä tietokoneiden ja kirjojen ääressä viihtyvälle nörtille 3417 kiloa. Olihan se kippikärry käytettävissä, mutta sen kanssa oli turhaa edes yrittää jääkerroksen peittämältä maalta ja muutaman portaan kautta sisätiloihin, jossa on korkeita kynnyksiä joka huoneen välissä. Oli helpompaa kantaa käsin.
Saimme urakan päätökseen puoli kymmenen aikaan illalla, koska Mikko ei päässyt duunien vuoksi aloittamaan kovin aikaisin. Toisaalta eipä olisi ollut juuri ruokahaluakaan. Tulikuuma kylpy ja puolikas särkylääketabu helpottivat lihasväsymystä ja kannullinen teetä ja lisää leipää auttoivat yön yli.
Joudun muuten pyörtämään puheeni siitä ettei croissantissa saa olla mitään sisällä, sillä maistoin tänään Lidlin salty caramel-croissantin ja muutin mieltäni salamavauhdilla.
Muita asioita:
1) Kettu bongattu viime yönä puolen yön aikaan sekä pyrstötiaisia edellisenä päivänä. Myös haukka tuli bongattua, onneksi eri päivänä kuin pyrstötiaiset.
2) Mikko keksi hyvän konstin kertoa epämieluisia uutisia. Tästä esimerkkinä se, että herra oli ottanut valvontavuoron juuri sille päivälle jolle oli vuorokautta aiemmin neuvonut varaamaan syntymäpäiväkakkuni noudon. Tämä uutinen oli turvallista toimittaa puhelimitse autosta, joka eteni sadan kilometrin tuntivauhtia luoteen suuntaan. Veikkaan että sadatteluni kuuluivat silti luurin kautta koko Hämeenlinnan kaupunkialueelle. Onneksi Mikko sai myös korjattua virheensä.
3) Voitin Bukowskis'lta jotain todella hauskaa. Esittelen kunhan se saapuu. Ei, kyseessä ei ole Swarovskin esine.
02.03.2021 (Ilta) Vaaratilanne
Fågeltorpissa hallitsee kaaos. Normaalien remonttialueiden lisäksi oli tyhjennettävä alakerran sininen vierashuone, jonne muurataan takka. Tiilikuorma ja sementtilähetys saapuvat pian, ja kellohuoneessa tilaa vie vierashuoneen purettu katossänky. Tuoleja ja irroitettuja verhoja on pitkin alagalleriaa ja ruokahuonetta, ja yläkerrassa pitäisi tehdä ylägallerian seiniä, mutta tiellä on koriste-esinelaatikoita ja lipastoja.
Tällä hetkellä on vakava suositukseni sellainen, että asianomaiset henkilöt varoisivat viimeiseen asti käymästä hermoilleni millään tavalla. Olen jo normaalitilassanikin herkkä polttamaan päreeni ja tinttaan nokkaan vähemmälläkin yllytyksellä: tällä hetkellä olen niin lähellä räjähdystä että ärstttävä henkilö voi pelkän nopean nenäverenvuodon ja murtuneen sääriluun sijaan päästä hengestään.
24.02.2021 (Yöllä)
Yksi suuria heikkouksiani on hyvälaatuinen ja tuore croissant. Siinä ei saa olla sisällä tai päällä mitään. Ei voita, ei margariinia eikä marmeladia, eikä varsinkaan nakkeja, juustoa tai suklaata. Pelkkä croissant, sellaisenaan, sivussa kupillinen teetä, ja sulan silkasta onnesta lätäköksi lattialle. Toinen on nougat. Esimerkiksi Niedereggerin nougat-sydämillä voi ostaa aika paljon kärsivällisyyttäni, tai Lidlin Pick 'n Mix- minipääsiäismunien nougat-yksilöillä (ei tummaa suklaata, kiitos).
Mikko kuorsaa taas kuin katupora. Unirytmimme on perustavalla tavalla erilainen: roikun itse valveilla aamuyöhön, Mikko taas vaatii iltateen viimeistään kello 22 ja kuukahtaa heti sen jälkeen vuoteeseen. Tänään herra oli hereillä vielä lähempänä kello yhtätoista, mutta silmäluomet melkein ummessa. Olisin laulanut kehtolaulua, mutta jos aloittaisin moisen ulinan (joka kuulostaa ehkä hieman vioittuneelta palovaroittimelta jota säestää kevätkiimaisen kollikissan äännähtely), kimpoaisi Mikko välittömästi lakanoista ja yrittäisi evakuoitua lähimmän ikkunan kautta pihalle. Ehdotin kyllä että voisin herättää arvon herra puolison kello neljän aikaan aamuyöstä järjestämällä Talon Parhaat Kattilankannet-paraatin, joka kulkee reitillä keittiö-ruokahuone-pääportaikko-ylägalleria-päämakuuhuone-kylpyhuone-yläeteinen-takaportaikko-alaeteinen-keittiö. Keittiössä vaihdetaan seuraava kattilankansipari ja paraati jatkuu.
Ei ole kuulemma tarpeen.
Järjestä sitä sitten viihdettä perheessä. Kiittämättömyys on maailman palkka.
16.02.2021 (Ilta)
Eräs ystävä löysi kirjasta (ja käytän nyt tätä termiä pitkin hampain, sillä oikeampi termi olisi 'kasa kierrätykseen sopivaa paperia') kohdan, jossa mieshahmo imee naispäähenkilön nännejä kunnes ko. nainen kirkuu. Nyt ihmettelemme sitä, onko tällä miehellä imuri piilossa poskessaan vai olisiko hepulle yksinkertaisesti pitänyt kertoa ettei nännejä oikeasti kuulu puraista irti.
(Kello oli puoli kaksi yöllä ja olemme molemmat väsyneitä. Ja hulluja. Facebookin chatti pitäisi sulkea yön levottomiksi tunneiksi.)
15.02.2021 (Ilta)
Swarovski-kokoelmaan tulevia esineitä en ole jaksanut enää blogata pitkään aikaan, etenkään koska muuttelen kuvien sijoitusta koko ajan, ja kokoelmasivulta löytyy joka tapauksessa aina parin viime kuukauden päivitysloki. Sen sijaan esimerkiksi mekaanisten "lelujen" kokoelmaan tulee uutta paljon harvemmin. Tässä ballerina-herätyskello, jonka nukke tanssii soittorasian soidessa. Sattumalta vastaantullut esine ja päähänpistohankinta, mutta hauska.
07.02.2021 (Ilta)
Hävisin hiljattain Bukowskilla huutokaupassa olleen yöpöytäparin. Ensin suhtauduin asiaan aikuisen tapaan eli murjotin, äkäilin ja kiroilin, mutta lopulta huokaisin ja nimesin vanhan gramofonikaapin (vailla grammaria) uudelleen kantamaan nimeä "Katjan Uusi Yöpöytä". Sisään mahtuu mukava määrä tavaraa ja koska pöytä on korkea, ei ole edes ongelmaa siitä että tulisi pyyhkäisseeksi teekuppinsa lattialle yöpaidan helmalla.
(Ilmapuntarihylly päällä on irti ja pitäisi kiinnittää seinään, mutta olen toistaiseksi laiska, eikä minulla ole tarvetta availla ja sulkea yläkantta)
Torstaina saapui paketti miniatyyreja. Olin pyytänyt Mikkoa tilaamaan paketin sisällöstä nurmikkomateriaalin, laattamateriaalin, ulkoseinän tiilimateriaalin (kuvassa rullilla) sekä yhden nappiparistokäyttöisistä seinävalaisimista (ulkovalo), mutta muut olivat Mikon valintoja ja osa seurustelun vuosipäivälahjaani. Lintuhäkki on erityisen viehättävä, sen sisällä on pikkuruiset, n. senttimetrin mittaiset linnut orrella). Sain lisäksi kolme Swarovskin lumihiutaletta sekä Flower Dreams Orchid large'n, mutta niiden kuvat tulevat myöhemmin Swarovski-sivuille. Näiden lisäksi postikusti kantoi kotiin pari lehteä (Joulukärpänen vuodelta 1936 sekä Arijoutsin Syyspippuri v. 1954)
01.02.2021 (Ilta)
Ja tämän päivän kirjapaketti:
Ehkä hieman lukutaukoa tämän jälkeen. Muutama yksittäinen kappale vielä tulossa, mutta toisaalta lukeminen on suuri ilo. Kyllä, olemme jo kuulleet että meillä on sekalainen kirjamaku. Deal with it. Kuvakoko on pieni, joten uteliaille todettakoon, että vasemalla ylärivissä on Katajala-Peltomaa & Krötzl & Meriluoto-Jaakkolan 'Suomalaisten vaellukset keskiajalla', 'Suomalaisten taistelut'-teoksen on toimittanut Ohto Manninen, ja 'Fibula, Fabula Fact'-opuksen alaotsikko taas on 'The Viking Age in Finland', pääkirjoittaja Joonas Ahola. Tai hittoako minä niitä listaan: asiasta kiinnostuneet löytänevät tiensä Fågeltorpin kirjastotietokannan pikakäyttöliittymään (tarkempaa versiota ei ole julkisena, ikävä kyllä.
Charlotte Russe laiskuripaskiaisen tapaan on ryssälotta kaupan valmiskääretorttua pinnoitteena käyttäen. Kakun sisälmyksen vatkaaminen ei kauan vienyt, ja sitä paitsi pakastimessa on liikaa vadelmia. Nyt on hieman vähemmän, vaikka käytin seassa myös persikkaa.
29.01.2021 (Ilta)
Eilen saapuneen kirjapaketin sisältö:
Kirjat joista kansia ei näy ovat Giovanni Guareschin 'Isä Camillo ja ne nykynuoret' sekä pakinoitsija Ollin 'Pisteet lopussa : 42 juttua meikäläisistä, hölmöläisistä ja ryssistäkin'.
Laitilan Leivän perusversio runebergintortusta oli melkein yhtä karmea kuin manteliversiokin. Mantelin puuttuminen häiritsee minua aina, ja lisäksi tämä "leivos" oli kuiva ja happaman hajuinen koppura. Maku oli ehkä aavistuksen verran vähemmän pistävä kuin manteliversiossa, mutta jouduin silti pistämään poskeeni useamman Wiener Nougat-palasen saadakseni maun suustani. Hyh, ei enää ikinä!
28.01.2021 (Yöllä)
Vuosittaisen runebergintorttuvertailun kärkikolmikko tällä hetkellä:
1) Leipomo Laurell
2) Ullan Pakari
3) Kartanon Leipä
Paskimman tortun titteli kuuluu tällä hetkellä Laitilan Leivän manteli-versiolle (tämä on kamalin runebergin torttu elämässäni, hands down. Tämän tortun valmistaminen pitäisi määritellä rikokseksi yhteiskuntaa vastaan). Muita jumbosijalaisia sen kummemmin järjestykseen laittamatta (kategoria 'ei enää ikinä'): Fazerin Runeberginpiirakka (huom. ei Fazerin runebergin torttu vaan nimenomaan piirakkaversio), Kulmakonditoria, Laineen leipomo, Leivon leipomo, Porin Leipä.
Testattuna 25 tuotetta (osa moneen kertaan, toistuvasti ja kärkikolmikon tapauksessa myös mahdollisimman usein). Huomena joudumme testaamaan Laitilan Leivän toisen version. May gods have mercy on our souls.
25.01.2021 (Ilta)
Kirjapaketti taas! Ei kannata ihmetellä sitä että kirjat eivät näy välttämättä heti kirjastotietokannassa, se päivittyy välillä hitaammin.
22.01.2021 (Ilta)
Olin aikeissa sanoa etten voi sietää epäjärjestelmällisiä ihmisiä, mutta kirjoitettuani kyseisen lauseen tajusin etten oikeastaan voi sietää ketään muutakaan. Never mind.
Päivän kirjapaketti postissa, antikvaari.fi-sivusto ei pettänyt taaskaan. Viikonlopun aikana ei kannata häiritä, urakkalukeminen alkaa.
17.01.2021 (ilta)
Yläparvekkeelle useamman metrin korkeuteen asennettu riistakamera on tuottanut ison kuvasadon. Linnuista ei jää jäljelle kuin tyhjä kuva ohilentäneen siivekkään kunniaksi, mutta sen lisäksi on muutamassa viikossa tuotettu melkoinen kasa kuvia etenkin öisin liikkuvista rusakoista ja peuroista. Pidimme kameraa väliaikaisesti alempanakin, ja yhdessä kuvassa oli peura tullut aivan lähelle, vajaan metrin päähän linssistä. Latasin kuvista otoksia verkkoalbumiini, ja otsikoin ne "tehtävä: etsi kuvasta rusakko", "tehtävä: etsi kuvasta peura" "tehtävä: etsi kuvasta kaksi peuraa" sekä viimeisestä, "tehtävä: etsi kuvasta pikkuinen ja kevyt lumisade".
Selatessani palvelimelle latautuneita kuvia (joista tällä kertaa pääosa esitti poistumassa olevia eläinten takaosasia) totesin Mikolle, että peurojen ja rusakoiden persauksien kuvaaminen parvekekamerasta on ehkä maailman turhimpia ja tyhmimpiä harrastuksia, ellei mukaan lasketa muurahaispesässä istumista, suopotkupalloa tai jääkiekkoa.
05.01.2021 (Yöllä)
Koneella vuorokauden ympäri jumittaminen voi olla nörttiä, mutta aivan eri tasolle mennään kun joku(™) menee ja luo mobiilitietokannan runebergintortuista. Jep, vuosittainen makuraati alkaa taas työnsä. Runebergintortut ovat Mikolle ja minulle aivan erityisiä sentimentaalisista syistä, ja noin kuukauden ajan metsästämme eri valmistajien tuotoksia ja teemme niistä makuvertailuja.
03.01.2021 (Ilta)
Fiktiolöytö: lohikäärmeen juuri kukistanut sankaribarbaari harrastaa seksiä haltianaisen kanssa, ja ko. naishahmo saa orgasmin joka saa maailman "räjähtämään monivärisinä tähtinä". Mitäs helvettiä, panevatko ne nyt joulukuusen alla?
Hyvää vuodenvaihdetta kyynikolta. Paskaa tästä kuitenkin tulee, mutta ette te parempaakaan ansaitse.
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