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The Dictatorship of Lahtistania
Beware of Flying Similes
In English: Hello. This is a diary, or something like that. This is not a page suitable for minors, so if you're a child, go away. I use either English or Finnish depending on how I feel. I'm a pessimistic, sarcastic and cynical hermit with trust issues. There are no like-buttons or comment whoring (because you won't be able to comment, mwahahaha!), cookies, sponsors or subscribers. I won't try to sell you anything either. English isn't my first language so I'll most certainly make mistakes: pointing out an error in my text doesn't make me flip my lid. My contact info can be found on the main page. You can placate me by sending me more funny homophones, (barely) (in)comprehensible sentences and other silly mistakes, I collect those. I also collect my own mistakes.
About times and dates: I'm a Finn, so my time zone is GMT+3, we use the 24-hour system, so 1 PM is 13:00, and date is DD.MM.YYYY (02.01.2022 = January 2nd, 2022). Adjust your mindset accordingly, you foreign heathens.
Disclaimer: tämä on pessimistis-aggressiivisen naisihmisen verkkopäiväkirja, useimmiten nimeltään Lahtistanian diktaattorin kootut sadatukset. Sen lukemista ei voida
suositella edes pääosalle aikuisista ihmisistä. Sisältö ei sovellu lapsille. Sarkasmivaroitus! Täältä ei löydy evästeitä, mainoksia, tykkäyspyyntöjä tai kommenttihuorausta.
29.01.2025 (20:54)
This hoax certainly wasn't orchestrated.
Is this whole community sitting in a hole, or is the community a hole in some allegorical way, or involved in holes?
Harold?
Many Christians believe you can sell your soul, so it makes sense you can inherit one too.
When things go random enough.
Rollaattori niille mummoille ja papoille jotka tulevaisuudessa ajelevat sillä tahallaan toisen jalkojen yli jne.
There are times when you try to work and negotiate with someone and that someone tells you that they think you're on a different page. And you desperately want to tell them that you're also in a wrong book in a wrong library in a wrong country and a wrong fucking continent.
There's an injured roe deer in our garden daily now. We finally managed to ascertain it was, in fact, limping, and called some local hunters to come and end its suffering. I hope they'll manage it soon (unless they already did, since I haven't seen it tonight though it usually mades its appearance around this time). It's not starving, mainly because we fill our bird feeders daily - I'd been wondering why the seed containers were being emptied so quickly. Usually I have to fill the container of oats once a week, and now I've been filling it daily, while the big millet mix box goes empty also once a day even in warm weathers, while it usually lasts two or three days if it's now well below freezing. I wonder where the rest are though? We've usually had a group of several, and this winter we've only seen this one.
21.01.2025 (21:46)
Don't worry, your boat isn't stolen, but there's a chance it's made out of German pastry and you'll drown if you try to use.
Instead of a straight beeline you move in a B-shape circle.
Working in a civil manor involves less of a mess than working in an uncivilised manor. Uncivilised manors are inhabited by artists and hippies.
I prefer people who wonder about things to people who just let their minds wander.
Perhaps things being platonic is more sensible.
Sukupuolielimensä menettäneelle taiteilijoille on nyt tarjolla puusta valmistettuja vaihtoehtoja.
A grey-headed woodpecker tried to examine my balcony door. I was expecting to encounter a squirrel, because they like my balcony more, and small birds, though they sometimes like to check the frames for any hiding bugs, aren't so noisy. Neither one of us was very impressed with the encounter.
Poor Mikko, who sometimes has to watch movies with me. I usually let him watch and just keep reading, but sometimes I join him and contribute... by making sarcastic remarks. There's a series (Stargate Atlantis) where tribal people greet each other by pressing their foreheads together, and I suggested they're sharing their population of head lice. Mikko almost choked on a truffle.
There are days when the depression tires me, and I sleep for hours on end. I'm fine, I'm alive, and I'm coping in my own way.
09.01.2025 (11:01) Goldilocks and the Three Barristers
I think I prefer the threat of braking to the usual melodrama of this author.
I was expecting two people to battle with weapons, but maybe this means double-weapons. You can shoot your opponent while they try to duck away from your sword?
The long-anticipated double-party became quite bloody.
The psychedelic tales of Goldilocks. She takes three doses and then ends up testing three police cars and three cells until three barristers arrive.
You owed him, but now you apparently own him. At least partially.
Kuppari myydään kilohintaan palasina.
Käsityöläisten uusi pituusraja sorsii pidempiä kanssakansalaisiamme, mutta lapsityövoimallekin tuli yllättävää kysyntää.
We had a bit of a tiff last night about tools left out in the dining room. Cleaning his stuff away is something he's never learned completely, even after almost 26 years of sharing a home, though admittedly he's gone far from what it was: back in 1999, when I first entered his bachelor flat in Helsinki, my initial impression was that a tornado had collided with a flea market and then deposited a circus monkey in the middle of it. I think having a large house helped - I grew up in houses like this, with ~500m2 of space (I think that’d be about 5382 square feet to you foreign heathens), not to mention my temper. I've never learned to nag: I told him to do something once, and if he didn’t, I’d immediately get furious and proceed with threats of vivisection and castration with blunt instruments (incl. soup spoons) unless his stuff made its way into its proper place instantly. I’ve gotten better with age, I swear: now I might give a second stern command before I proceed with threats, and I always keep my soup spoons sharpened.
The important thing is that the tools made their way to the storage once again, and Mikko is alive, well and still in possession of all his bits.
05.01.2025 (05:12)
Was going to ask you to run errands but I can see you're busy...
Bet being left alone feels easy now, doesn't it just?
And wait until you hear what they've replaced the usual scolding with!
Thus far we've encountered burning scones on a wall, bronze scones and now crystal scones*. Seriously, are all British stomachs lined with stainless steel and filled with battery acid?
Sounds less and less appetizing.
Näissä tapauksissa toivoisi edes jonkinlaista ikäeroa.
It's yet again one of those days when I feel like I'm a far more ill-tempered version of Attila the Hun, except without the charisma, horses and booze. Oh, and you also need to replace the desire to rule with an overwhelming desire to enforce a law of 'Kindly Shut the Fuck Up'. To be quite precise, if you crossbreed Vlad the Impaler with a rabid alligator, the result is probably something close to my current personality and mood: getting on my nerves is easy and you won't know if you end up losing your left leg or having a stake driven through your hindquarters.
We're going through bureaucracy to settle mum's estate. It was awesome to see my brother though. It helps that he and I fought all our fights when we were kids, and we're both trying to make sure the other one is OK. If Kat aged 13 had been told that thirty years down the line I'd adore my brother to bits, I'd have called them a complete loon. He and Mikko are the only family I’ve left now. But bureaucracy irks the heck out of me, and every time I need to do major paperwork I dream of filling the Finnish governmental offices with scrap paper and watch the bureaucrats drown in paper while I quickly empty all paper shredders and toss the shredded paper like confetti on them. Thank all imaginary deities for Mikko, because I'd have lost my bleeding mind weeks ago without him.
*A fellow Finn asked about this. In case you don't want to pick up a dictionary**, a sconce is a light fixture and definitely not something you want to eat, while a scone is edible. It confused me about two decades ago, because in Finnish the word "skonssi" means a scone, while a sconce is "lampetti" and goes to prove that the Finnish language is stupid. Mixing the two up will result in hanging food from your walls and lighting them on fire***, and trying to digest pieces of metal with alternating additions of wire, plastic and/or glass.
**Shame on you, you lazy bastard.
***Or connecting them with electric wires, in which case they'll become a lot less edible and a lot more of a safety hazard.
02.01.2025 (21:02) Forget finding needles in a haystack: find actors in one.
Ick. A humble bow of your head would've sufficed!
Peaches only grow in deserts?
Are you an actor? Be prepared to finish your career in a haystack.
Your tray of Hors d'œuvre has been replaced and my appetite is down. Go and enjoy.
See? A horse.
Your time by his side is illegal: you forgot to pay snuggling taxes!
Sordid affair is better, this one is a lot more painful.
Onnettomuus oli vähäinen mutta sairaalasänkyrallin ketjukolari aiheutti vakavat vahingot.
Mikko knows I hate calling strange people. It's the high social anxiety x 10. A while back he thought it'd be a good idea to phone a person from our car and then force me to take up the call by just shutting up and refusing to speak, leading to several moments of awkward while this innocent person wonders if someone is prank-calling her and I'm battling my anxiety and finally forced to be polite and take over the call.
So, the next day he asked for my help in moving his new aquarium from the car outside to indoors. I might've told him to go outside and prepare everything and "I'll be right with you, I'll just go and get some thicker socks from upstairs."
He was outside "preparing and waiting for me" for a while. What did we learn from this? Thou shalt not annoy thy petty wife.
Renovation: the lower gallery hallway is now almost done, missing a bit of moulding from two doors, one window and the floor. We then did a bit of work upstairs: namely, we attached a carpet to a ceiling (don't ask). Next we'll be going back to the swimming pool room and building frames around two bird paintings we commissioned from a talented artist (they feature waterfowl and they're infinitely lovely), but soon we're going to start pulling up the temporary floor in the dining room. The new design will feature three different colours and the floorboards will also be going in three different directions - that'll be a decent challenge, but don't worry, we know what we're doing. It'll look awesome, and infinitely better than the thin red board we installed temporarily years ago.
Joskus tulee kirjoitettua esimerkiksi "kielioppi ontuu", mutta taas tuli vastaan tapaus, jossa tulee mieleen pikemminkin humalainen, skolioosista ja nivelreumasta kärsivä merimies vääränkokoisella puujalkaproteesilla.
01.01.2025 (04:02)
You were waiting for a head massage and then he took out a pen and it went downhill from there.
And if you were hoping for broad shoulders, you're bound be very disappointed.
More acceptable than an illicit affair.
Some people are such little suck-ups at heart.
Hell was expecting to break loose, but the end result was a dud.
Yleisö nautti lätyistä mutta paistetut mehu ja kahvi eivät monelle kelvanneet ja paistetut nekut pilasivat pannun.
A friend received one of those annoying spammy PM's from someone unknown, asking what the schedule for the night was. They were considering making up an elaborate event schedule, but just decided to report and block. I thought the schedule would've been even more hilarious if it contained an elaborate plan to rob a police station and kidnap a policeman (preferably a simple constable), including several get-away cars, ridiculous pre-planned car chases, useless pit stops in very public places and disguises with sets of fake moustache and yellow raincoats, one guy dressed as a Canadian goose and another as a mountaineer.
The English-speaking world has 'Auld Lang Syne'. Ukrainians have 'Shchedryk'. Finland has a traditional New Year's song as well, but nobody knows the words or the correct melody or tune for it, because those singing are always completely wasted, plastered, pissed and completely, utterly boozed, and they won't remember singing it the next day anyway.
I'd wish everyone a happy new year, but that sounds just way too optimistic. Perhaps I'll just say "good bloody luck, now bugger off!"
(And FYI, I know that the "cup of kindness" you take has more percentages than moonshine and works through your gut like drain cleaner. Probably tastes the same too.)
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